Monday, March 1, 2010


To get why I am writing what I am going to write you would have to read where I became inspired today: Leftovers, by Stakerz Xposed.

The day Bronson nearly drowned a friend of mine told me to PRAY for Bronson.
I prayed for Bronson, but I prayed harder for his Mother, and his Father.

And I prayed even harder for Me.

Don't get me wrong here.
I didn't pray for me because I was being selfish.
I prayed for me because I realized that I was letting my kids drown.

I felt an overwhelming pain and guilt and shame,
that in such a equal lateral way
I had done what she was suffering.

I had walked away when my kids were in the middle of something.
Something really important to them.
Something crucial to their well being.
Something that needed attention.

I had become distracted thinking that
what I was going to do was so important.

...So necessary.
In that moment...mattered MORE.

Blinds that needed to be dusted.
Blinded me from what was really important.

Floors that needed to be shined,
over-shadowed the shine I could create
in my children's eyes.

Clothes that needed to be washed,
seemed more critical than the
cleansing of my families soul.

I get distracted, by so many things,
be it physical, mental, emotional...
worldly pains, worldly aches
turmoils that stirred a tsunami in me.

It seemed that there were so many things
...keeping me distracted.

And so, the end of January, beginning of February,
I found myself consumed with these feelings.

Feelings of inadequacy,
of turmoil that I was doing
that kept me from what was
really important....


And today, those THINGS that MATTER are clearer to me.
And as I read her blog post on Leftovers....I got it!

I too give Leftovers....


How often in life am I giving those that matter most, my Leftovers?
These boys, who are my heart and soul,
often get whatever is '"Left-over" of me
whenever I think I am done with the rest of my commitments.
They get the little blob of energy that's left of me,
after running around all day.
A cold slab of minimal effort,
because I just want to be done already.
The crumbs that are left of my patience.
(Well, any that haven't already crumbled
from dealing with other people's children.)
And if they are really lucky,
I might even top it off
with the tiny little dollup of fun
that I might actually have left.
But more often than they deserve,
they get the frantic,
task-oriented Drill-Sargent Mom
who is running short on time.
Or the exhausted,
Do-It-Yourself Mom who is ready to collapse.

I am not beating myself up. I am just pondering. I know that I am doing better today than yesterday. I know that I have come a great distance from my past, and yet I have learned through forgiveness to see my past as a blessing, a direction and framework for the best future that I could possibly have. I am thinking...I like to do that.

And sometimes I do my best thinking here. Because it feels a bit accountable. Someone will read it. Sometimes it is only one person, and she gives me wonderful advice. Yet, it feels like I am not alone.
When I leave it here it makes me naked;
in my thoughts, and my feelings,
and I know in a worldly sense I am not alone,
and I remember that in a spiritual sense I am NOT alone., I celebrate the beginning of March!

...I MARCH forward, offering my Family a FEAST of me. May I have the desires and strength to GIVE more of me to them, in every day, in every way, and give it peacefully and with a sense of fulfillment that what I am doing is what MATTERS MOST!

1 comment:

Liz said...

I think that there is something special about leftovers, they just need a new name for her. She is really going through a rough time in the process of forgiving herself. I love that some evenings that the day has been too big that there are morsels to be cherished again. She is analyzing all factions of her life and even in her sleep/not sleepless nights. I just pray that she can find peace and sweet forgiveness. It was an accident that could happen to many mothers as they busily take care of a large family. He will bring her peace and He has forgiven her.

my happiness!

Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers
“You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences.” ~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley


awarded by amysplash