Thursday, February 28, 2008

33rd Ward Idol results are in!

Your looking at the winner of the 33rd ward Idol right here:

okay, no, it's not me.....Jeremy was told to drop his mom and he had it in the bag.

and no, it was not Clarissa, although she did get some great points for being the big yellow bus that ran Gavin over, and she LOVED getting to take her brother out without getting into trouble.

and the kids puppet show only got an honorable mention...

So JEREMY took first place, we are so proud!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Great time with the Girls!

I thought that I would have a few weeks to think about this new calling, but no....there I was with the twins, Zoe, my four, Gavin's friend, and three neighbor kids, squished into the front row at church....and somehow holding it together because we were singing as a family....when they released me as Primary Chorister and sustained me as Relief Society 1st Counselor. Okay, so if looks could kill.......

Sheri picked up the girls today, and although this has been a weekend/month for the record books, I felt as though I have a fresh opportunity. To work on myself, and to appreciate the opportunities I continue to be given to grow UP.

In all reality, I am filled. I can't stop writing in my journal. The thoughts just keep flowing through me. Maybe I will heal just a little more with this new experience.

And for Clarissa, thank goodness she has her cousins....A great time with the Girls has much more meaning than you might expect. And for me, Relief Society, a new venture having never attended a Relief Society meeting in the past (excluding the one lesson that I was asked to teach)....maybe for me it will be "a great time with the girls". Is RS ready for me? Ready or not, here I come!

Monday, February 25, 2008

One from the Archives

Go along with me here. I remember when I was little I did something REALLY seriously BAD, and I knew I was going to get it. I thought that if I spent the entire day in the bathroom, going to the bathroom, I would avoid corporal punishment in the form of a good spanking. To no avail. My dad came home several (felt like 10) hours later, and walked right into the bathroom, gave me a good whopping (bare buns and all) and walked right back out. I hadn't avoided anything.

SO here I am, minding my own business. Rebelling and avoiding any conviction to my beliefs, (besides the raising my children in the very way I wish I had been raised), but only doing it for them.... WHY do I get asked to serve in the Relief Society.

I will tell you why. Because our kind Father in Heaven is willing to reach into the very depths of our own hell and personally grab us by our failings, and suffering, and lift us up. I may bark about it, but my bite isn't anything.

I am thankful for very dear friends who know what is best for me, when I don't know I need a licking. For their very willingness to love me through my self-defeating behavior, and give me the gumption to rise above my insecurities and grow where He would have me.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

A meeting with the Bishop

Okay, I spoke too early about Faith and Prayers. Why, when I am being so rebellious and seriously contemplating ... does the bishop have to extend a calling to me. ARRRRRRGGHGHGHGHGHGH

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A song for our Anniversary

I have been looking for these lyrics to post, and finally I can get this one done.

Jack Johnson - Angel
I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything
I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home
She could make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You gotta be careful when you've got good love
Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying
But you're so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh

We went and got a new guitar for me. And Brian picked some music that he liked for Guitar. He picked a particular song that he wants to enjoy hearing. Lyrics below.

Paul Thorn - When the long road ends:
Who were you loyal to?
What were your passionate about?
What did you believe in,
Beyond a shadow of a doubt?

Who were your teachers?
Did you have one true friend?
These are things worth knowing,
When the long road ends...

I look down at my children,
And, they look up to me,
Each day I pray for wisdom,
To be the father I should be.

When they grow up and move away,
I hope they'll think of me as a friend,
Then I will feel successful,
When the long road ends.

When the long road ends,
we will rest for a while,
I'll hold your hand,
And we'll share a smile,
Then we'll both look back,
Over where we've been,
We will have no regrets,
when the long road ends.

When you find somebody,
To walk with you through life,
You will laugh together,
But, sometimes you will cry.

When the storms of life come raging,
Just hold each others hand,
the sun will shine forever,
When the long road ends...

(Repeat Chorus)

Our 15th year....

Happy Anniversary to Brian and me! What an exciting celebration we have had; making it 15 years. Not many would understand what it means to me.

Thank you to my Brian, for the absolutely wonderful time we always have together on our anniversary.

Yesterday was no different. Always a grand day that we have together. Some of the things that we have enjoyed on our anniversaries, including this year...Boston, dinners, the Anniversary Inn - thanks to our children for that one (probably most memorable of our dates!), horseback riding, helicopter rides, snowboarding, antique shopping, bookstores, looking at art, symphonies, taking walks, massages, movies, picnics, long rides, talks, and loving. I often can't imagine ever being more blessed by one amazing person and many amazing memories. i love you brian.
a song for you:
Better Together- Jack Johnson

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Jeremy's Test Results

Test results negetive for Cystic Fibrosis, negetive for an enlarged heart, negetive for all the horrible things that the physicians have been looking for.

The only positive thing is the relief that we are feeling right now. Jeremy is still ours, and will be for...well, forever. We are just needing to be patient with what we are facing. But it is not the worst.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Magic Shows and 33rd Ward Idol

We have so much fun sometimes. My school does Family Nites, which my kids have loved for the past 2 years...This time it was a Magic show, which was absolutely fabulous. Clarissa (with a tiny prompt from me) raised her hand and was chosen to participate. The magician changed a piece of paper into a 50 dollar bill, and it was hers. It was absolutely fun to see her delight, and a real 50$. I guess we will be going to the bank! She is so excited.

Next, Jeremy decided to enter 33rd ward Idol. He has been very serious about this. He is doing a piano solo, then a duet, with me and my guitar. Wish us luck!

Friday, February 8, 2008

forgetting things

With all that has been happening with Jeremy I seem to be forgetting so many things. And not one bit of it is bothering me. What happened to my obsessive compulsive everything. We have an appointment up at Primary Children's Hospital today for Cystic Fibrosis testing for my baby Jeremy Bear. Prayer is the only avenue for peace now. Not cleaning, not perfection, not one thing can offer what we need right now. Just faith and prayers.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

A Scare with Jeremy

(excerpts from communication while we are trying to figure out what is going on with Jeremy)

"Gosh, how does Jeremy feel? I think he is confused about what is happening, but mainly he knows he doesn't feel well. He just can feel that he catches his breath. Yet he can run and play sometimes, and other times he is just not able to. He tells me a lot that he can't breath, it's hard, and it makes me sad.

When we learned about the Iron yesterday Brian started giving him a tablespoon of natural molasses. Jeremy says its yucky but he wants to get better and he believes it will help. The heartwrenching reality is he knows how he feels and how bad it is. I have tried to protect him from the frightening diagnosis that we are waiting on. I really have protected him and been very positive, so the following took me by surprise. This morning after having the Molasses he was walking with Sam to their room and said to Sam, "Know why I have to have that stuff? Because if I don't fix my Iron I have to go to heaven." I was shocked.

Brian started to tear up and left the room. Jeremy came to me right after that and said, "Mom, if I go to heaven can I have a birthday every day?" I just knelt down and took both his hands and looked at his face. He had such a look of courage I can not even describe. Like he was trying to be so brave asking me. I answered "Yes, Jeremy, you can have a birthday every day in heaven, and Grandpa would be there with you, You and Grandpa would be best pals and do so many wonderful things together. You would be our angels and watch over us."

Then he said, "Can I have a star just like Grandpa?" I said, "Yes, the biggest one....but Jeremy you are going to pick a star for me long before you get to heaven." I told him that he had so many things to still do. Learn to play the piano (I started him in lessons today, no time to waste), go on a mission, marry your best friend, be a daddy, play sports, go to work, go to know. I was pleading with him to know that he was going to be okay. I told him, "Jeremy, Daddy and I are going to do everything possible to help you feel better, and it is going to work, and you are going to grow up and be strong, and have all the fun in the world before you ever go to heaven." And then he said, "If I do go to heaven can I paint the sunsets with Grandpa." I nearly lost my pretend happy composure at that moment. I just said, "You can paint sunsets, Jeremy, and rainbows, and butterflys, and beetles. You will have so many important things to do and heaven will be wonderful. But Jeremy you have many things to do here first."

I reminded him that Bishop blessed him and that we would help him and he will get better. The look on his face said it all. He heard what I said but he bravely holds on to his wonder, "what will heaven be like for me".

...why is he even thinking such things. I am so scared. I feel so destroyed, my heart is aching and breaking at the same time. He shouldn't be thinking these things. I am protecting him, or so I think, from the worry and concern. But he knows how he feels, and he is frightening me. After I talked to him I went into the kitchen and Brian was in tears. I have seen him cry only a few times, when his dad died, and today. He is mine, my Jeremy. I feel so stubborn. I don't want to let him go. Last night he woke up and was clammy everywhere. He was having a night terror and wasn't really awake, shaking and really upset. I put him in a warm tub and bathed him, he gently woke up. Then I held him in the bathroom on the floor for hours, with tears streaming down my face, while he slept in my arms. I can't stand worrying. I just want to know so that we can fix it. He seems like he is just fine most of the time, but if you watch closely he doesn't breath very well. If he has an enlarged heart, and has had it since he was at least 2 years old, it is a very scary diagnosis. I don't know how to do this. Everything about him has always been different, from the beginning. But everything about him is "Just Jeremy". That's what I always say, he is Just my Jeremy, different but perfect in every way.

About a month ago I had a strong feeling that something was going to happen to him, I thought maybe he was going to die....dreams about him getting hit by a car, or something. I told Colleen to watch him carefully, I called his teacher at school and pleaded that she be really aware of Jeremy because I had such bad feelings. I made the doctor appointment a month ago because I noticed his breathing was getting worse, he was more agitated by it. I just thought it was asthma. None of this is what I planned. How selfish is that, thinking that I can plan everything? I realize that I am in the middle of some refinement for me and my family, but this just really sucks and That is the bottom line, it sucks.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

my happiness!

Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers
“You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences.” ~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley


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