iM a moRMon, yES, i AM, if YoU waNT to StUdy a MorMoN, Im a LiVINg speciMen
it's about time
LDS Humanitarian Services Current Needs
When You're Finished Changing, You're Finished.
...a crazy day and a half on an airplane coming home from Japan. Silly boy.
'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?
I remember the day I took Jeremy to first grade. My very last to begin their first day of first grade. I was fine, really. Until I walked past the kindergarten classrooms and looked above the door to his classroom from last year, and read: Butterfly Factory.
The tears, the flood of emotion. I ran to my car, it couldn't have been seconds before I was crying uncontrollably. I should be able to handle this. I have done this three times. But alas, this was the worst.
Gavin started 7th grade that day as well, I remember when it was he who was beginning his venture in education, public at that. I knew that he was no longer all mine. I had to put aside all the selfishness that I was so good at, and let others enjoy this creation, the beauty of his life.
There would be no more snack, nap, caterpillars in the classroom. Why did I blink?
What happened that I was sending my fourth off to first grade, it all happened so fast.
Okay, time to re-enter the world of sharing what little sense I have about life.
I love life. I have had some of the most awful experiences, which means that my most wonderful experiences are even sweeter than most. My tears have been full of salt and sweet. I have loved and laughed, and landed on my feet.
I have written books, burned them, paid way too much for therapy, and gone back to school.
Now I find myself discovering what all the broken pieces laying at my feet mean; and I have found that when I choose how to put the puzzel together I like what I see before me.
I am a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a grand-daughter, a student, a lover, a future lawyer, and I like me. I have a past, but more important I have a future.
I like dancing in the rain, watching movies, going out with my man, taking pictures, reading, watching football, art and music of all kinds, especially drawing/painting/photography, traveling, Fish Lake, native people, history, family home evening, playing games with my kids. I love writing. I have one publication, which honors my grandparents. I don't like war, but I understand it's necessity. I love politics, and don't like government. I am my own dichotomy; in so many ways. I am getting to know me.
I am extremely restless. Can't really describe why. It's like my mind is rushing with all my regrets: my impatience with my kids, not celebrating each day, gritting my teeth, forgetting to breathe, and to smile.
I wonder if they know just how delighted I am with each of them. How much I love them, and how I wish that instead of being grumpy and expressing my irritated feelings, how I wish I was better at letting them in on the pleasure, happiness and peace they bring into my life. I love them.
Absolutely and so much. May I learn to enjoy each moment, and better show my delight in each of them. My gratitude for Gavin, Clarissa, Samuel, and Jeremy. The warmth that fills my soul at the sound of their names, each name chosen specific and with a love between their daddy and me.
Speaking of Brian, oh how can I ever express just how much he means to me. How I love him and my absolute enduring appreciation for him. He is my amazing friend, my life long eternal love.
He is worth working for an eternal promise. He and my four beautiful children; how blessed I feel.
“You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences.” ~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley