iM a moRMon, yES, i AM, if YoU waNT to StUdy a MorMoN, Im a LiVINg speciMen
it's about time
LDS Humanitarian Services Current Needs
When You're Finished Changing, You're Finished.
...a crazy day and a half on an airplane coming home from Japan. Silly boy.
'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?
i have been trying to tough some things out for far too long now.
how are you?
i'm fine, i'm great, all is well, swell, perfect, sometimes just okay.
and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well, or pretty well, sometimes swell, not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects, and generally i am okay. i mean, i have an abundance of gratitude, and my attitude reflects gratitude, and happiness, and even laced with some cheerfulness. plus i am good at smiling and pasting on a happy face. i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B. really. poor people who have to hear all to many times that i don't feel good, i am stressed. i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out. yep, that sounds about right!
this diatribe is not meant to make anyone feel they have to swoop in fix anything. we don't really have anything that needs fixing. we don't need dinners, maids, therapists....haha...now I sound a little pathetic. like: relationship issues, i am fine, i don't need anything, etc...when i am really dying inside for you to read my mind and there are a billion things you could be doing differently. haha. really, that is NOT what i am intending here.
i just need to write.
writing heals me.
i have about 100 journals to prove that my writing process is cathartic, and i have years of personal social improvement to show that i do overcome.
right now just need to say it out loud.
we have been toughing it out, and where it all looks fine it really is harder than i am showing it.
so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago and started talking about how we are really doing....first in prayer, then to random people who asked "how are you?"....help arrived. in the form of peace, and interesting phone conversations, and direction to some helps that can really help us. and then prayer again, thanking Him for more blessings in abundance.
we really are going to be okay. we are pretty tough actually, and all will be well.
Today is my GRANDmothers birthday. I love January ninth! I don't think much before January 9th of the end of holidays. They don't end for me until I have celebrated her birthday. Some years I have visited her, then in her passing I have had to be a little more creative in celebrating her. No matter, I always think of her. Last year I believe I visited my Grandfather, her husband and as GRAND as she. We had ice cream! Another year gave bags of clothing to the consignment store. My grandmother loved good will shopping. She loved giving to others...and getting herself a good deal! So that worked, I needed to share anyhow, so it may have served me more than another. Anyhow....it is her in my thoughts often that make me a better me. This year for her party she will celebrate with my mother. I think of them together and smile. That is my hope of heaven.
Last year I was fretting about my mother, her declining health, and my son, his head injury. This year is about moving forward. A mesh of old and new, renewed.
I began school today. A fitting celebration. At a school my Grandmother once danced and educated! I thought of her, the sun shone upon my new venture.
As I walked up to the ST building, the brisk cold air and warmth of the sunshine basked me in memories -- walking to work at the U nearly 19 years ago, pushing a new baby in a stroller, one child, then two, three and finally a fourth wonderful being born of me. Running after them on a warm summers day, teaching them to ride their bikes, crunching in the fall leaves, years later taking pictures of my oldest as he threw tricks on his skateboard. Many a play to be seen, holding the hand of my student husband. His eventual graduation.
I approached the building with one last breath before entering. I remembered a particular jump my son made during a skate sesh! I recall thinking of the courage it took for him to try something so big, a jump so high, not knowing how he would land it.
I found myself in a similar leap. At this moment I would cross a threshold into a new old building and become, officially, a student again at the University.
Like the building I was about to embrace this new old experience in a new to me old building and I felt comfortable - as I crossed the threshold of the building and my eyes embraced the newness to me of the old building, the smells, the sounds, the sights, embraced me back. The musky smell of old smoke, refreshing, like making a memory. Walking me to my future in the past. In the foyer as if the past hadn't passed at all, time standing still, my evolution certain. I can see evidence of my own evolving over the past 20 years, and now - in my first course back in this venue I ponder -- who I have been, who I am becoming, my human nature, my evolution, my moment.
“You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences.” ~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley