Sunday, November 30, 2008
Uncle Bill. What a man. A hard working gentleman. What memories each person holds dear who knew him! Wonderful, wonderful.
Grandma used to say things happened in threes. Uncle Bill, our number three. I wish that I could somehow ease the pain of his family, the kids, grand kids, those who loved him the way we do Grandma. And yet, so did I, so many of us do.
My mind is quiet, more calm, and the flooded thoughts are for me personally.
Our children wanted to remember the laughter, the fun of helping Uncle Bill to find his dog. Running through the yard and getting a quick hug and hello. We will miss you being there.
I just want to say, love you Uncle Bill, thanks for taking my hand after Grandma was gone, and giving me one more glimpse of her through your eyes. I could see you longing for her, and that you thought you saw her in me. I guess that is what happens, with the loss of those we love, we look to see them in someone else. I know I wanted a glimpse of her and I felt somehow you wanted me to be her, looking at you one more time. Now you are with her again. I will cherish that minute with you always. Thank you for being such a great brother to Grandma, you always were her best friend. Peace to you both now, see ya again.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Me: Yes, not real happy about it.
Gavin: Yeah, I heard.
Me: Dad should have let him have the mullet.
Gavin: I don't know about that.
Me: What's the harm in Jeremy having a mullet?
Gavin: Having to look at him!
ouch! point for dad.
See next post for the dramatic events of haircut day! The hits just keep on coming!!
Jeremy and Brian come home, Jeremy is shaved, perfect future missionary haircut, except that he is 7, and has 11 more years to have hair before the days of balded bliss.
Brian brings Jeremy in: Mom, check out the new cut.
Me: I can see who won that debate.
Brian: I think he looks good.
Jeremy: Yeah, well Olivia C. wont think so.
She told me she wanted me to grow my hair out.
[Now we know the method behind the madness, always a girl involved.]
Brian: You look good buddy.
Jeremy: THATS WHAT YOU THINK!
(as he runs to his room, at least he hasn't learned to slam the doors, YET.)
Me: You should have just let him get the mullet.
Brian now is desperate to heal the broken heart of his child.
Brian to Jeremy: You look cute buddy.
Jeremy to Dad: That's because you don't have any hair,
Dad to Jeremy: It will grow out.
Jeremy: Not in one day.
(thanks Suzanne, for the Mullet fisherman info. Jer now has fact behind the folly.)
Dad: Sorry buddy.
Jeremy: Tell that to Olivia C.
will EVER go with you to get a hair cut again!
Dad: We can always go get you the wig!
Clarissa: He will thank you guys someday for not letting him do that. ☺
Sorry everyone who voted yea; we are months away from the mullet now.
And Jer's love life is on hold. I guess that's not a bad thing, right?
Friday, November 28, 2008
THANK YOU BUTTERFLY KISSES, FOR THE AWARD!
...with this award i have to post 10 HONEST things about myself.
and then pass it along to 10 people.
1. i really am not good at keeping up with my house. i save EVERYTHING. i want to de-clutter but don't have the courage to do it. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I have a hard time having people over. I never used to be like this. A year ago I had my idea of PERFECTION.
Somewhere I crash and burned, and we are all suffering for it. My kids are on board to organize, they have the energy so it will get done.
2. Instead of food storage, we have toys and chocolate. I stress that we don't have enough to provide in time of necessity. This goes along with number one. De-clutter, and get food storage in order. And with number three, as you get the feeling that I am making a list: TO DO
3. I make crazy lists. I write everything down that I need to do everyday. Without the list I can't seem to function. I spend more time making the list than it would take to do have the things on the list. I reorganize my list; for efficiency, which requires rewriting them. I live by the list. I also make my kids live by a LIST. A checklist: home from school, wash hands, check, snack, check, pet care, check, chore, check, practice piano/guitar, check, homework, check, help with dinner chores, check, dinner, check, scriptures, check, journal, check, brush teeth, check, pajamas, check, prayers, check, 30 minutes reading, check. [compulsive behaviour passed along to the kids, another need for therapy when they get older.]
4. I can eat a half a gallon of ice cream during one movie.
5. I am writing a healing journal to try to break free from the pain of abuse and abandonment in my childhood. [that was a hard one to write, and not embelish or minimize, just honest] I wont ramble about this one.
6. I blog in layers. One for family, private, one for cyber friends.
7. I blog too much. (ouch, that was hard to admit.)
8. I know that there are some people reading this that will talk about me behind my back. I know who they are and it does hurt my feelings. This was not easy for me to be honest about. How about we just try to be nice?
9. I love serving in my church. I may be a broken mess about my gospel, but I believe in it with all my heart. I love the Savior, he is my friend, my partner in healing, my guide. I am thankful.
10. My kids are my delight, they are my everything. When I am with them, and with Brian, all is well; laughter is present, sometimes tears, we may not have it all together, but together we have it all.
Amen to all these honest revelations about me. It is more than I wanted to know, so I can imagine how you feel. I just have to remind myself that this exercise is good for me, and that it is for ME. So there I have it. And what have I learned, oh, the growing pains of being honest about yourself.
I NOW AWARD:
If you are not happy to do this, don't. You are welcome to the Award. Just try the exercise. You learn a lot about yourself when you work past the surface stuff. Happy writing, pondering, reflection to you all. and thanks for being here to read our ramblings.
Have a happy day! ☺
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Jer wants to grow all the back of his hair and keep the front short.
i write for...
i beg anyone interested to check it out. not for me, but for you.
be inspired by something and join the cause.
do something with your WONDERFUL,
move people to do something that you care about.
the courage it took for me to ask anyone who reads this.
my Thanksgiving hope is
give the gift of your moment.
write about something that you care about,
and submit it to Women Doing More.
YOU, my family, friends, cousins.
PLEASE. and thanks.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
no rebellion, no transgression,
no apostasy, no crime exempted
from the promise of complete forgiveness.
That is the promise of
Boyd K. Packer - Ensign, Nov. 1995, 20
Friday, November 21, 2008
This is probably my funniest moment EVER, in picking up Gavin.
I get to his school. He is hanging with a group of boys, the girls near by giggling. I am always thinking I wish that I could come in disguise and just watch, it is so cute. But I drive the MAV, four wheelin, sleek mommy vehicle.
Gavin crosses the street.
[details will be important here]
he smiles, nods a bit of an acknowledgment in the direction of his peers.
stay cool, dude.
He gets into the car. From his smile I can tell he was enjoying whatever banter he happened to be engaged in only moments ago.
Still floating, he looks at me, suddenly the smile disappears. I wonder if I have spinach on my teeth, or something....has to be out of place.
He is looking at me like I really have a problem.
"What Gavin?" I say.
Me: How was your day?
I start my drive going South, toward the younger kids school.
Him: pretty good.
And then the freaking out begins.
Him: AAAAUUUUUGGGGGG, I have dog poop on my shoe.
You would think a swarm of bees was attacking him.
Me, starting to laugh, and helping him to move backpack
and coat away from the scene of the crime, while continuing to drive.
The SMELL, it is becoming unbearable.
BUT, Gavin is still aware of his peers. I start to pull over.
He is yelling at me, "NOT HERE MOM".
I immediately know why. The girls are just behind us, opposite side of the street.
"Gavin, I HAVE to pull over, the smell is awful!"
I pull over.
He gets out, begins to wipe the poop off his shoe doing some kind of jig I have never seen. Wiping, gagging, [me laughing, rolling the windows down].
He is really having a horrible time. His shoes have tiny crevices.
I tell him to use some leafs. He is dancing, grabs some crunchy leaves.
DOESNT WORK, I tell him, "not those, use the green ones."
"MOM YOU SHOULD BE DOING THIS"
"GAVIN, I DIDN"T STEP IN IT."
Rolling down more windows. "Mom, not yours."
Oh, I see, hide me from the girls, who are now horizontal to the car.
Gavin is still trying to wipe it on the grass. I can just see him falling in the poop that he has gotten off, so I slowly begin to drive forward. JUST A BIT, and really for his benefit. RIGHT, except I am laughing so hard because he is hopping to keep up with me, all while trying to hide this situation from the girl group.
He wants to know if I have any water. NO.
He wants to know if I have any baby wipes. again NO
He begins to break up little sticks to clean out his shoes, except that when he is done with one he drops it, then he ends up picking it up again, with the unlucky end. (at least he is still standing.)
I give him a straw, he starts to clean out each crevice.
Please mom, a rag, a napkin.
Not being fast food people I have no "extra" napkins in the car.
So he gets busy with the straw. WHERE IS MY CAMERA?
The Elementary kids begin to walk past, staring.
I say to him when a little guy comes past, "there's a shirt!" (me Totally kidding, and actually if he had said it he would have been reprimanded, "be nice to the little kids.")
But me, I can't seem to help myself. Uncontrollable laughing, another kid comes by, "Hey Gav. Another shirt coming..."
Gavin looks at me, looks at the kid, looks at his straw, which is now ready for (spit wad war just doesn't sound very nice, but pretty much that describes it.)
If I weren't laughing I would responsibly say, knock it off. But laughing doesn't help to enforce my wisdom and maturity as I try to say, don't, not cool buddy. He brings the straw up to his mouth. I just know what he is going to do as he eyes the little kid.
Instead of blowing, because he is desperatly trying to survive this incident, he nearly sucks on the straw, yes the dog excrement weapon. His new weapon of choice, except that he forgot to blow. The look on his face is priceless.
Oh my, that was so close. He is laughing, I am laughing, except that my floor mat is still stinking up my car.
After Gavin gets control of the situation, himself, and the clean up, he plops in the car. I give him the M and M bag to cover his shoe, seal it shut.
He looks at me and says. "I thought it was you."
"The smell." He says, "I thought it was you. I thought you farted."
Oh my little big Gavin. Thank you.
Second to this, the M and M's that I poured out to bag up his shoe.
He begins to throw them out the window.
Yellow ones give you cancer, he says, plopping a blue on in his mouth.
"Gavin, you remember that you just used those hands to clean up dog poop."
He smells them, plopps another blue one in, "Yep."
Chucking the orange ones at the girls, he says those have some dye or other...idk. then the green, he starts to pull out the green. I'm Scared! I know what the green ones meant when I was a teenager. What is he thinking? These ones, mom, I definitely don't need these ones, as he tosses one in the direction of the crossing guard. Ping, it hits the sign. The sign. He is a teenager, wierd. And sometimes I don't want to know what he knows.
So, How was your day?
step in anything today?
"... When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God. (Mosiah. 2:17.)
"In this way our Thanksgiving will be first thanks, then giving."
- John H. Vandenberg, November 23, 1965, "BYU Speeches of the Year," 1965, p.8
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I am thankful for ….
…The mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
…The taxes I pay because it means that I’m employed.
…A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
…Dirty dishes in the sink because it means I have enough to eat.
…My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
…The spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
…All the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.
…My huge heating bill because it means I am warm.
…The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
…The piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.
…The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I’m alive.
Me: Thankful to be going to school and having the support of Brian and the kids. (2006)
Gavin: I am glad I am of good health. (2006)
Me: I am happy Grandpa and Grandma called today...Grandpa Cecil feels better. (2005)
Sam: (2004) I am thankful for family, and for church, and my friends that come over.
Jeremy: (2005) I am thankful for my home.
Clarissa: (2006) I am thankful for my wonderful family and for my life and who I am. I love my life.
Aunt Col: Thankful to be an aunt. (2006)
Granny Kathy: Thankful for family and grandchildren and to have Thanksgiving dinner with them. (2007)
Brians Dad: Thankful for Brian and Stacie and their kids. (2003) We are thankful to have this in Grandpa's handwriting, and the memory of thanksgiving with Dad. Miss you Dad.
Me: I am blessed that Brian is so patient with me. (2003)
Brian: Early mornings when the streets are quiet.
Gavin: (2003) grateful for my dad and family.
Gavin: (2007) thankful for the wonderful opportunity to be a part of my family and for the opportunity to earn an education.
Grandpa Cecil and Grandma Nina: (2007) I am thankful that Nina is still with us and that the Lord has enabled me to love her and to care for her. We are thankful for having each one of you as part of our posterity and being able to pass our family heritage on to you.
Grandmother: Thankful to still be alive. (We miss you this year Grandma.)
Mel: Thankful I still have a nose. (the year he had major skin cancer surgery.)
Mel: Thankful for Colleens good mood, even when she is sick.
Jeremy: (2003) Jeremy loves his daddy.
Gavin: (2003) Thankful for freedom.
Brian: Grateful to be able to sit around the table and eat with my family.
Me: I am thankful for Jeremy's smile, Sam's help, Clarissa's sweet notes to me, and Gavin's humor.
Gavin: I am thankful George got a job. (2005)
Clarissa: I am thankful for Grandma Nina and Grandpa Cecil. (2005)
Anonymous: I am thankful for my Heavenly Father.
Brian: I love the cold nights of the winter.
Me: I am thankful Gavin is so tender and for his best hug today.
Brian: I am thankful for my beautiful family. The memories and traditions in the past, and the ones to come. I love talking about the fun times that we enjoy as a family.
Clarissa: I can learn more about Jesus and his commandments as I receive the scriptures. As I follow Jesus my faith grows and I know I can receive answers to my prayers.
What fun each year to pull the blessings out of the box (an old tissue box), and read what has grown gratitude in us. As it sits on the table this year I am anxious for Thanksgiving Day, to read what has stirred and moved our family with Thankfulness. Happy Thanksgiving to you each.
What if everything we didn't give thanks for today was taken from us tomorrow?
C.S. Lewis, "We ought to give thanks for all fortune: if it is 'good', because it is good, if 'bad' because it works in us patience, humility, and the contempt of this world and hope of our eternal country."
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
In losing two Grandmothers this last month,
So often we send someone a bouquet of flowers
Elementary Schools across the nation are taking children along the path of reading every day. They take privileged and underprivileged alike; hungry, hopeful little people and nourish them with words. Some of these children will only ever experience reading in the hands of educators trying on a dime to make a difference in their world, and therefore in our world. These little people are the future of all our lives, and what is done with them today determines the world we all live in tomorrow.
They need to be read too, read with, and the only way that can happen is if every one of us asks ourselves, did I do something today that will matter tomorrow. Reading with a child matters. In lieu of something else you could be doing, read with a child.
What you can do:
Call up an elementary school in your area,
Every school needs volunteers;
Age, monetary status, beliefs, discriminations are not an issue.
So, In lieu of....READ with a child.
This is dedicated to Sam and Jeremy!
Boys will NOT be boys.
No secret, Clarissa and I both want a sister, still.
Not that that has anything to do with this post,
but we do have some great dress up/future girlfriend
photos of the boys in bows and frills. (link later.)
Back to Samuel and Jeremy and HOMEWORK, take two:
Losing two Grandmothers, Great-Grandmothers, things have not settled yet.
Truly Laughter and Love are the best medicine.
As I mentioned in Series One,
my rant of surface cleaning did not put a dent in the chaos.
So the following morning was Saturday.
music gently playing...
"Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get ready for Sunday..."
Here we are, working diligently on our projects,
after my rant and pleading for forgiveness.
I am going through my STACKS of papers,
looking for some semblance of order
and trying to find anything that is critical.
I come across three WEEKS of school notes, important papers, and HOMEWORK.
What happened to us, three weeks of untouched homework. DUE THREE WEEKS CONSECUTIVELY AGO!
I came home from my week vacation in Arizona.
and what do I have here,
the following three weeks HOMEWORK.
WHat happened to me.
I guess I was still on vacation.
I have lacked in order, lacked in discipline,
lacked in RESPONSIBILITY.
But, I have honored,
cherished, grieved and
and losing them both has not been easy.
Not that excuses are necessary; for all you moms out here and there,
be nice to yourself.
Ask me! I am certainly not perfectly perfect, nor am I trying to be.
What would you do? Plead guilty, or insane. I think I will plead insanity.
Parent teacher conferences are coming up.
Do I act innocent? Who me? My kid?
Smiling works, pleasantries. Oh the joy!
Coming next: Homework Series, take three: my homework FLUNG up on me (for the finale, Gavin, all Gavin.)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
First post in a three post series.
With 5 of us in school we have a TON of homework at our house.
I found it ironic that so much Homework Drama could come up in one week.
You will get this in three parts.
First, because I really want to portray the DRAMA, like seriously; Soap Opera worthy.
Picture me, Friday….[in this case the dot dot dot does not indicate FUN]
Minding my own business, in the morning, getting the kids off to school.
I have FOUR hours to take an excel test, which I have to go to campus to do. I think I have it in the bag. I will take the test, then come home and shower before I get the kids.
I am logged in; I haven't studied, because like my kids, I think I know it all.
So, plenty of time, open book, should be no problem; I can probably stop at the Arctic Circle for those great Sweet Potato Fries on the way to get the kids, and even air the car out so I don't give myself away.
[When you raise kids with no fast food, they think it stinks, and they can smell it out, and they rat you out to dad SOOO fast you wont be able to blog it.]
Here I am taking the test, minding my own business. Thinking all is well.
NOT WELL. I finish, sweating bullets, the test is so temperamental that it doesn't let you finish answering the question before telling you that you are WRONG.
Now I know how Brian feels. I am always RIGHT, and giving him the WRONG que before he finishes.
So, back to the test; I FAILED.
Me, a 4.0 student, FAILED an excel test. Yes, 40%, I am not exaggerating.
So frustrating. I sit through an hour of training modules, now I have it, I can retake it. Optional retaking up to three times. Highest score counted. I can do this.
My dark tunnel has a light.
I have to call and have Brian pick up the kids. I won't make it with having to retake the test. I tell him, I have calculated my class grade, projecting what I will get on the final test (power point, got it in the bag, maybe.), and with my homework I will have a 93.4%.
I can just bag it, come home, get the kids, …..or retake the test.
Of course he wants me to retake. I should be home by 1:30 now.
AND SO AM I.
Now this is becoming personal. I am cussing the computer every time it screws up. People in the computer lab are actually getting up and leaving the scene of what might become a crime.
Test over, failed again. I can't BELIEVE it. Now I am really done. I can beat this. It is just a machine.
I call Brian, I won't be coming home, I am going to win, if it takes me all day.
And it did.
Second time through the training modules. I have this memorized now. I have done it twice, I will win.
Now I am keeping score. I am tallying, got it, right, one for me, oh, another one for me. I show the computer, see I am winning.
More computer lab junkies are leaving the scene. I am getting looks, and words I don't normally say are coming so easily. One student who had asked me to do a survey now comes up to me and says, "it's okay, I am just going to take this (unfilled out), you don't need to do it, I don't want to bother you." Very apologetic, as if I would through the machine, or make lewd statements on the survey. Please.
I am winning, take that, heh heh.
Now the computer is mad and it starts to fight back. I am getting kicked out of questions, this is so wrong. I really think it was OUT TO GET ME.
5 questions to go, suddenly I get a machine prompt that in 120 seconds the computer is going to reboot.
Not kidding. I am so shocked as I try to beat the time. This really is a game now.
I lose. The computer reboots. My entire test was taken, ripped from my control.
I think, maybe I can check, it will be there. But the computers have quit for the day. Time is surely up.
I come home defeated. I sit in the car crying. Hopeless, totally frustrated. Worn down, tired, sad, hungry, thirsty, and I forgot my fries.
I check my phone messages.
Gavin has called every half hour: WHERE ARE YOU? YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE HOME THREE HOURS AGO.
It is 5pm. My kids have been tending to themselves. Absolutely not okay with me. School is not supposed to interfere with my kids, my family time.
As I come through the door, the crying becomes uncontrollable. So much for keeping a brave face, for being the strength, the all together mom that I am trying to be.
I cry through doing the dishes, Jeremy tries to help, I keep crying.
I am not saying nice things, blubbering something to the likes of, "I do everything around here, I can't be gone, nothing gets done." So pathetic.
Here are my four children, alive, being kind to one another. The three younger built a fort; they want me to come see it. In stead I sweep the floor, I vacuum in a tantrum. I do a load of laundry. My punishment for not being home for EIGHT hours. My inflicting emotional pain upon myself.
And all my kids wanted was for me to be okay. Gavin wanted to know I was okay, "mom, when I don't check in every hour you get so mad." "I was just as worried as you get about me."
The kids: "come see our fort, play, lets read some library books in it. Look we have a flashlight."
And me: Move that so I can vacuum there. Bring me up the broom. Gavin, get the basement vacuumed. Kids, I want the Halloween stuff put away, ITS NOVEMBER, for all my crying out loud!
Wow, from funny to really sad. As I said; Soap Opera Drama.
That night I looked at my chaos, still all there. The sweeping, vacuuming, and dishes didn't put a dent in it.
Then I looked at my kids, happily tucked away by their dad, in the fort to spend the night.
And me, crying in my room, remembering when I made the forts with them, they didn't come down for seasons. It was our hideout. I played, and laughed.
What has happened to me?
With the new day, we made a plan. A plan that began with me asking them to forgive me. To please know that I wish I could take it back. I love school, learning, one test shouldn't crush me so terribly. Really, it was that I had missed being with them. I had missed being a better mom. I miss the mom I used to be. And onto our plan. I told the kids that whatever they didn't want to have to clean up someday when Brian and I are gone, needs to be organized now, or it is theirs to keep. Scary enough that they keep asking me for projects. The reward. A cleaner home, a more organized home, a schedule we can all get along with, and one special treat they all voted on that will be absolutely fun to earn together.!!!!
Better days are ahead, stay tuned.
Oh and PS: The professor emailed today. The test was sabotaged. He couldn't even task it, so now I get to take the new test on Wednesday.
Coming Tuesday: Homework Series, take two: WHAT! Homework??? (Staring Sam and Jeremy, a bit of Clarissa)
And finally Wednesday: Homework Series, take three: my homework FLUNG up on me (for the finale, Gavin.)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Women of God
can never be
like women of the world.
has enough women who are tough;
we need women who are tender.
There are enough women who are coarse;
we need women who are kind.
There are enough women who are rude;
we need women who are refined.
We have enough women of fame and fortune;
we need more women of faith.
We have enough greed;
we need more goodness.
We have enough vanity;
we need more virtue.
We have enough popularity;
we need more purity.
I am taking comfort in these words today
as I go to pick Clarissa up from school.
She had her braces adjusted today
and her teeth are killing her.
Yes, I could let her tough it out,
she does need to learn life hurts,
and I know, I know,
I was hard on Jeremy with the whole
(forgotten: see political ramblings...).
However, as I listened to her on the phone,
I thought to myself, what would I have wanted....
so I am going to go get her.
Maybe we can look through my old jewelry.
Maybe she will want to pick one to keep.
Maybe we can watch an old chick flick,
I can snuggle into her, keeping me warm,
and take the nap I have been dying for.
Faith and goodness,
I don't need the vote of the world,
I know I am doing the right thing for Clarissa today.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
We enjoyed having Grandpa with us this week.
...and memories being remembered.
Wonderful food, THANKS!
Games to be played.
Dad and Gavin.
Eliza and Sam
Emma and Clarissa
Jeremy loves girls, oops, the girls.
finger lickin good
Sam was remembering this Sunday going to
Aaron's house in Orem.
He remembered that when he was little he LOVED
going to Aaron's.
Once I told him we were running errands,
by the end of the day he was in tears,
"Why didn't we go to Aaron's house,
you said we were running aaronds!"
2nd Sundays, for memory making and remembering.