Saturday, February 28, 2009
The kids decided this year to be in charge of our Anniversary.
They had their aunt take them to all the old Inns around town and picked a room for us to stay in overnight. They picked the August Room of the Anniversary Inn. It was so cute of them. They earned the money to pay for the room.
We were told to go to the Anniversary Inn and to receive our first envelope from the desk. The ladies there smiled at us, and told us that we had really cute and creative kids and that they were delighted at the kids enthusiasm to make sure we had a nice anniversary. We got our envelope and were taken to our room.
Our room was in the very top of the old mansion. The room had a staircase that took you to the attic where there was a deep jetted tub and a table. The ladies told us that our daughter paid extra to have the romantic package, so we had rose petals all over the room, robes, some wine glasses and some apple juice. So sweet. We were to get settled and come down for our next envelope.
The next envelope sent us out to dinner and told us that we had the evening to relax, take a bath, and to get our next envelope in the morning.
The morning envelope told us to have breakfast at the Anniversary Inn and to check out, where we would receive another envelope. The envelope sent us to a park in the avenues. When we got there we got another great surprise. Our kids were at the park and we played together for a bit. Then they sent us with a clue to find a place across town. It was a cute little shop, and we were able to look around and then got another envelope. This one sent us to a movie, after the movie we got another envelope which sent us home. At home there was a dinner prepared for us, and an envelope. The final envelope sent us to the University Bowling alley, where we got to bowl with the kids. It was a delightful end to the day, and a treasure to be with them. Such a nice Anniversary. WHilE Brian always does a stand up job of celebrating and surprising me this is one year we will never forget.
It made us thankful that our kids know how much our love means to us, and that they are such a part of that love.
This year we spent the day with them. Letting them know that they are the most important and amazing part of the love that we share. They make our family beautiful, being who they are. I am so grateful for the ability to record these memories and journal them. Before I forget them, here they are, and now...off my hard drive, and my head drive...on to making more memories with them.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Open your sixth photo folder, publish the sixth photo, explain it, tag 6 friends.
This is a picture of my toes blending in with the artificial turf at my kids indoor football game. We had just come from swimming, and totally useless photo, which I should have deleted back then. But, hey, we need to have something to laugh at... And I have worse photos~!
I now Tag:
Shauna, Leah, Heather,
Kim, Nicole, and Andrew.
And yet we go through life and see God's highest creation, man, turning his back on the light, and not as the potato sprout struggling therefore.
I wonder if we are magnifying our calling and are growing toward the light in a desire to be warmed by Christ's love? I wonder if we know just who we are? If we do, let us be obedient unto every commandment of the Lord our Father."
- Walter P. Monson, "Conference Report," April 1917, Outdoor Meeting, p.103
This thought is quite interesting to me today. I have felt myself in such darkness, and yet in darkness there is purpose.
In darkness we sprout and grow, and for some things and people the best they are is grown in darkness.
I think we each go through our experiences thinking that we are to become one perfect thing, that perfect thing is always out of our reach because we are trying to become what we see as perfect in others, not what we are to become ourselves.
We think because we see others doing something really well, that is the only way to do it. We think because our religion leads us in one direction that is THE ONLY WAY. But I am coming to understand the compassion of a loving Heavenly Father.
I am perfect in the way he created me. With my ability to love people, all people, and accept others come what may. I have come to this out of desperation to be loved myself, to be accepted myself.
Through my own darkness, depression, addictions, abuse, I have become me. A perfect ME, not because I am like everyone or anyone around me, but because I know that being me is enough.
I am discouraged everyday as I don't feel myself doing all that I should be, or all that I could be doing. I fail in so many ways.
I don't always do the chores I should, or have the patience I could. But I keep trying, and I am happy to just be me, whoever I am that day.
I am the first person to point out my faults, problem is picking just one of them to point out. And the real problem is that I shouldn't be doing that in the first place.
Grow where you are planted. We all need potatoes, they grow best in the dark. They are sufficient for their purpose, and they are needed for our nutrition. Wherever you are GROW, and be happy to be what you are.
Even if you feel like you are just a potato.
The quote in this talk was given almost a hundred years ago, but it's teachings are as applicable to how we feel today. My grandfather shared another talk with me and something in it has struck my chords in ways that have helped me to feel a little better in my journey to find hope and healing.
The talk was on tape and the writer was speaking about a potential conversation with the Lord.
The conversation went that the gentleman was talking to the Lord about what he had done in his life and the Lord said every time, "did you try", he said in response, "I tried...but I failed. I was only able to do this much..."
The Lord said, "I don't remember that part."
He is such a kind forgiving Lord. I believe that he loves us unconditionally.
That he gave us light and darkness, wisdom and weakness.
He wants us to grow, and GROWTH HURTS. It is not the easy times in life that we grow. It is the hardest experiences we have that we learn the most.
Please love each other. Accept each other. We are all in this thing called life together. No one is doing any better than the other person for we all have things we struggle with. We have loved ones around us who are struggling and we have to STOP going on about ourselves ignoring the ones we love because of our fears.
Walter Monson as a youth was sent to the potato celler. It was there that he learned that even potatoes in darkness reach for the light. But we know that without the darkness we wouldn't have the sweet and essential nutrition of potatoes. We need them.
We need each other. Be a potato for someone in your life. Find a way to reach with them in their darkness, or in yours. The is a bit of light there.
Spring is coming. Hang in there. Love and hugs to you all.
"I wonder if we are magnifying our calling and are growing toward the light in a desire to be warmed by Christ's love? I wonder if we know just who we are? If we do, let us be obedient unto every commandment of the Lord our Father."
...and the greatest commandment of all is to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Clarissa and Izzy won the Science Fair and head to district competition on Thursday. When I download the pictures from her camera I will post the close ups of the apples. We are SOOOO glad we got to throw them away...finally. Congrats to her for her hard work. Click on the pictures and you can read the projects details a bit better [i think]. anywho...thanks for being interested in our doings.
Love and hugs to you.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Tonight we went to the Draper LDS Temple Open House.
I wrote below the positive highlights and infer that there are two sides to the story.
in the meantime...
This is the other side of the story.
If you aren't in the mood for a moody rambling, SKIP this and tomorrow I will post about our ANNIVERSARY celebrations. After I work a much needed forgiveness for my reaction...it should be a delightful day.
I find by looking at words, you can really move mountains...
... contention, KNOWING full well that that WORD is what caused my grief tonight amidst the peace of the Temple experience.
I even dissected the experience on I-15 as we drove out there. TELLING EVERYONE ELSE THAT CONTENTION IS the awful root of DESTRUCTIVE REACTIONS that potentially can RUIN family experiences that would OTHERWISE be meaningful memories.
CONTENTION. So destructive, and truly satan's way of COMPETING with the spirit.
Let me suggest something that I discovered. Usually in any given situation which contains CONTENTION, you just have to change a little something here or there. ie: a reaction, a choice of feeling a certain way because of someone else, forgiveness, hope, peace.
When I looked up the word contention I found the word CONTENTMENT right after contention. Actually I found a lot of words surrounding contention, and none of them were as negative. In fact they included:
contemplation: the act of thinking about spiritual things: MEDITATION
contend: COMPLETE, to TRY HARD to deal with
...change one letter...
contenT: pleased, satisfied with what one has to do.
content - 2: to make content...[imagine..an ACTION], to SATISFY
content - 3: freedom from care or discomfort
contented: satisfied, or showing satisfaction with one's possessions or one's situation in life.
and FINALLY I want to get to the word: CONTENTMENT
contentment: FREEDOM FROM WORRY OR RESTLESSNESS:
now, i find in breaking apart these words that when you get rid of ION in contention and replace it with MENT that you have such a better SITUATION.
Here is where I have to suggest that there is two more really important words and definitions.
Tonight the Temple Presentation suggested the definition of restore as being to give back, to return and to put back to use or service. They talked about the RESTORATION of the church, the gospel, and the truth that Families can be FOREVER because the church was restored and our covenants and promises, potentials were restored to us through our Prophet. I felt peace with this.
THEN I REACTED to the contention...rather than minding my own business and peacefully appreciating the moment.
So, tonight, I looked up the word contention and found contentment right next to it.
I thought how perfectly interesting. contentment has MENT, like in the word Atonement.
I have always seen the word ATONEMENT as being AT ONE ME N T....to be at one with me and Christ. The T is the cross, Christ's sacrifice for each one of us and when we become ONE with HIM, he heals us, he carries our burdens, he makes our forgiving others possible, and he makes our being forgiven possible.
All this restored to us through the gospel, and our belief in it. My believing.
So tonight's CONTENTIONS really take on a new light, as I pick apart...I guess I don't need to really do the complaining about each incident. In this new light those circumstances are forgiven and forgotten.
I sat down with the intention to vent my frustrations, thinking certainly that someone would read them and feel really sorry for me. Then I picked up one of my Family History's: The Bigler Heritage. I opened it to page 106, the middle of the book and read from Daniel Erins Autobiography written one year before his death [makes writing a bit of personal history mean so much more to me]:
"This has been one of the grandest experiences that any man could have--to live with a wife of 56 years. Oh, we've had lots of fights, but they were never serious. My father told me the night I was married, he said, "Now Erin, (he called me Erin, everyone else called me Daniel) I want to give you a little advice. Regardless of how much trouble you and Jenny get into, when you kneel down to pray you put your arm around each other and kiss each otheer good night. The next morning there'll be a happy rainbow for you." I never forgot that. That has been the thing, we have never failed.
The night we were married, we knelt down by the bed and thanked God for the privilege we've had this day in His House of receiving the blessings of eternal marriage. From that day til this, there's never been a night but what she and I have knelt together and prayed and thanked the Lord for our children, for our grandchildren, and all our friends and neighbors and people who've come about us, and pray that we may be able in a pleasing manner to impress them with the principles of the Gospel that has kept us clean and pure all our lives."
Okay, this is a bit long, and it is getting late. But I had to say that I am VERY grateful for the wisdom of these historical words, and the blessing of being pushed a bit to open the book and instead of complaining away my whoas finding a way to show GRATITUDE for being blessed. Contention turns to contentment. And while the problems that happened tonight are not yet resolved, and I have some forgiveness to ask for [my being really mean; REACTING, and such], I HAVE HOPE. And the tools to now move on.
TODAY, our 16th anniversary, which celebrations I was ready to THROW away, and said hurtful things to my husband, and decided to write a rampage rambling, has turned soft.
I have to say thanks to someone for commenting tonight:
This comment...made me think about my behavior. The influence we have on one another here is tremendous. Don't take it lightly, for your words made me rethink my reaction and now my actions to heal the hurt I caused will be softer.
And hopefully our 16th Anniversary will be as memorable as the many before, and we will be on our way to 56...g'nite and hugs and love to you...thanks for sharing our adventures! I am glad you are here with me!!!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Okay...we loved the Draper Temple Open House. While there are two sides to every story I reserve only the positive parts for this reflection....[between the lines...I will save my bitchin' for somewhere else...]
The Temple is BEAUTIFUL, as always. The feelings of peace and comfort are abiding. And the much needed Come Unto Me rest was blanketed where needed.
Little Sam, and his loss of his teacher. Me, my broken heart. My Clarissa, her curiosity and desire to be so good. Gavin and his missionary efforts in inviting others to come with us. And Jeremy...oh Jer-Bear....
Brian and I gave each of the children a preparing to enter the Holy Temple book; [free, from the Church Distribution Center], having lovingly written to each of them inside the cover; we had them take turns reading a passage from the book.
They loved picking something to read. Giving them the gift of knowledge and peaking their curiosity and interest in the temple was well played out.
It was peaceful. And after having serious contentions to deal with getting to this moment the PEACE was OBVIOUS.
Like I said...there are two sides to every story. This one has a definite dichotomy...
To keep it G-rated...[not including the previous language, which I am too tired to edit...hence I will write a number of sentences trying to excuse myself, but I won't grab the mouse...scroll up and fix it...actually I am enjoying the rebellion a bit. ...and peaking my own curiosity as to what I will be writing to overcome my current state of mind.] ...g-rated...I will move on to describe the evening, and then the children's tender reactions.
She can't believe how wonderful the temple FELT.
Besides her feeling a little anxious after seeing the font up on the oxen's back [which looks very dangerous to her],
she is excited to go with me Saturday to do Baptisms for the Dead.
She also loved the Fish Lake room...
I will be going back there for sure; just for that room.
Anyone want to meet me there?
Gavin; he was just plain curious, and soaking it all in in silence, reverence and tenderness.
It was amazing to be there with the children, and with their invitees; to see them PLEADING with loved ones, "You want to be with us forever, don't you?"
I love these little ones, and even Gavin...still my little one, in his big body, with his bigger soul. Such sweet and tender spirits.
Sam; Sam had spent about a half an hour crying in my arms tonight before we went to the temple.
He blamed me for making him hurt about his teacher. I said I was sorry for his loss. Simply put, and pulled him over the edge of his shell, and the emotions FINALLY came out. He kept telling me to stop making him feel so sad.
All I was doing was holding him.
Due to the events we got to have a pizza picnic in the car on the way to pick up Dad from work for our road trip to the temple.
Tonight Sam fell asleep tickling my arm...so soft he says. "I hope my wife uses the kind of lotion you use." [cute]
And just before he falls asleep he says, "Which room did you see Heavenly Father in?" Innocent, tender, full of Faith; and all I can say is: Thank You.
Jer-Bear. My little shadow. Was taking it in twenty steps behind everyone else.
Hence he and I ended up alone for most of it, and I sadly discovered what it is like to feel so ALONE in a crowd.
All I wanted was to be in each of the rooms with my WHOLE family, but...taking it in at Jeremy's pace assured that WE two were left behind. I don't want to be left behind....I learned that tonight. I want to be with the family FOREVER, all of them. I did NOT like being behind them...but experiencing it through Jeremy's eyes was still WORTH IT.
We get to the sealing room and he says. "Oh, I think I have been here. When you and dad were married."
I say: "You remember that."
He says: "No, I just know it."
Again, THANK YOU.
Then tonight as he relays, with so much energy, all his FAVORITE parts of the temple... From Grandpa Lawrences star mystically being right over the angel Moroni, to the room with the VERY TALL cealing, to the room that reminds him of the cabins, to the "I can't wait to be baptized and I will go on my missing when I am twenty and come home at twenty two and get married when I am twenty six and when she asks me if I will marry her I will say WHERE and if she says not in the temple I won't say YES." Okay...a little disturbed that he is already decided he will be ASKED, not ASKING. But he is only 7, and I am a bit controling about EVERYTHING. We have time, right???
Then, just before he falls asleep he says, there are really only 5 things that I need to survive:
3. the Scriptures
4. food, which includes the water part
5. a Partner, or I guess a best friend would be okay, but I would need a Partner.
So cute, word for word, and like I said, WORTH IT!
Location: 14065 Canyon Vista Lane, Draper, Utah, United States.
Phone Number: 801-576-4240.
Site: 12 acres (including adjoining meetinghouse).
Exterior Finish: Temple white granite from China.
Temple Design: Classic modern, single-spire design.
Number of Rooms: Four ordinance rooms and five sealing.
Total Floor Area: 58,300 square feet.
Groundbreaking and Site Dedication: 5 August 2006 by Gordon B. Hinckley
Public Open House: 15 January–14 March 2009
Dedication: 20–22 March 2009
The new Draper Utah Temple will be open for public tours from Thursday, January 15, through Saturday, March 14, 2009. All are welcome to attend including children. Tours are FREE, but a reservation is required. Please review the information below:
Dates: Thursday, January 15–Saturday, March 14, 2009 (closed Sundays)
Hours: Sunday, Closed; Monday, 8:00 a.m.–5:00 p.m.; Tuesday–Saturday, 8:00 a.m.–9:00 p.m.; additional times may be made available depending on demand.
Cost: The open house is FREE, but a reservation is required.
Parking: Parking attendants will direct you to an available parking space when you arrive. If you have handicapped plates or placards, please park at the temple, and you will be accommodated.
Dress: Church dress is encouraged.
What to Expect: Tours begin at nearby meetinghouses where you are organized into tour groups and view a short video presentation on the purpose of temples, followed by a shuttle to the temple for a self-guided tour of the interior. At the conclusion of the tour, you are welcome to enjoy refreshments in the adjacent meetinghouse. A shuttle bus returns you to your parking area when you are ready.
The temple will be dedicated Friday–Sunday, March 20–22, 2009, in 12 sessions. Dedication tickets will be issued through local priesthood leaders.
Please call the temple at 801-576-4240 to schedule living ordinances. Appointments may be made beginning Thursday, January 22, 2009.
As of December 2008, final preparations are underway for the upcoming open house, which is scheduled to begin January 2009.
On July 8, 2008, a gold-leafed pedestal and statue of the angel Moroni were hoisted atop the single central spire of the Draper Utah Temple. The Moroni raising marks an important milestone in construction and coincided with completion of the exterior granite facing.
Church President, Gordon B. Hinckley, broke ground and dedicated the site for the temple on August 5, 2006. "It is a great tribute to our people," he said. "They are so faithful in temple attendance and it is for this reason that we construct this beautiful house of the Lord."1
On May 18, 2006, Draper's planning commission approved plans for the temple, which was presented as a 57,000-square-foot facility reaching 166 feet high and capped by a gold-leafed statue of the angel Moroni on its single central spire. A large variety of trees were shown for the grounds in addition to a 492-space parking lot. The hillside site of the temple, located near 1,000 acres of dedicated open space, commands an inspiring view of the entire valley.2
On February 8, 2005, the Draper City Council unanimously approved a change to zoning ordinances, which removed the only obstacle to construction of the temple. The change allows for "houses of worship" to reach 90 feet high in the residential area of the temple site. The new ordinance, which applies only to occupied areas of a building, does not restrict the height of steeples or spires.3
Evan Nelson of the Church's Temples and Major Projects Division met with Draper officials in November 2004 to discuss the City's concerns from the get-go to get the project started on the right foot.4
On Sunday, November 21, 2004, a letter from the First Presidency was read to Church congregations in south Salt Lake Valley, announcing Draper as the location of the Salt-Lake-area temple announced in General Conference the previous month. The Draper edifice joins the Salt Lake Temple and the Jordan River Utah Temple in serving the rapidly growing number of Church members in the Salt Lake Valley. The lot is located in the foothills near Corner Canyon. Rumors of a Draper temple had been circulating for months, since, two years earlier, the Church told Corner Canyon's developer the reason for its purchase of additional acreage next to its site for a stake center was to build a temple. The Church owns 12 acres in all—the stake center occupying 2 of those acres, and the temple and a joint parking facility occupying the rest.5
President Hinckley announced that the Church would build another temple in the Salt Lake Valley during the Saturday morning session of General Conference held October 2, 2004, though he did not disclose the chosen location at that time.6
All but one of the art-glass windows for the Draper Utah Temple miraculously survived a fire in the warehouse where they were being stored prior to installation. There are 221 exterior windows, 50 interior windows, and 432 door panels for a total of 35,420 hand-cut pieces of glass.
The Draper Utah Temple is built of the finest materials including granite from China, Makore wood from Africa, and limestone from France.
The theme carried through the Draper Utah Temple is of the sego lily—Utah's state flower.
The Draper Utah Temple has the largest sealing room in the state of Utah.
Ordinance rooms in the Draper Utah Temple feature hand-painted panoramas of mountain scenes, a depiction of Draper's Corner Canyon and its view of the Salt Lake Valley.
The baptistry of the Draper Utah Temple is located on the downhill western side of the building, which allows for natural light through floor-to-ceiling windows.
1. Jennifer Dobner, "Church leaders break ground for LDS temple in Draper," Deseret News 5 Aug. 2006, 6 Aug. 2006
2. Amelia Nielson-Stowell, "Draper officials approve plans for LDS temple," Deseret News 20 May 2006, 20 May 2006
3. Jacob Santini, "Draper OKs a change in height limit for LDS Temple," Salt Lake Tribune 9 Feb. 2005, 10 Feb. 2005
4. Derek P. Jensen, "Yes, temple will be in Draper: Foothills will boast new LDS edifice," Salt Lake Tribune 23 Nov. 2004, 29 Nov. 2004
5. Laura Hancock, "Draper site is chosen for new LDS temple," Deseret News 22 Nov. 2004, 22 Nov. 2004
6. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints News Release, "Two New Temples Announced at General Conference," 2 Oct. 2004.
Feeling meloncholy I enjoyed it again today.
And feel inspired to live a better life,
because both she and my Grandfather are amazing.
She served a mission and upon returning
gave a talk that CHANGED my life,
or at least the direction of my journey.
Her influence upon me is great,
and I don't think she has any idea how much.
Love you Kat.
I hope you don't mind me sharing you.
I can't say what you said in any way or shape as well as you put it.
Thanks for sharing your life with us.
A Great Teacher My wife Margaret passed away Thursday, February 12, 2009 as a result of complications from ovarian cancer. Margaret was born May 1, 1946 in Flint, Michigan and was one of Charles and Gladys Russell's four children including John, Joan, and Mary Alice, all of whom have survived Margaret, along with beloved nieces and nephews in the Flint area. Margaret earned undergraduate and graduate degrees at Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo. Perhaps best known as a dedicated educator, Margaret was also an ardent sports fan. Golf was her latest passion. Margaret and I were married in June 1970. She was my rock and would steer me back onto the rail of reality when I lost focus. She had a great sense of direction, spiritually speaking, and was virtually psychic about the right thing to do. We left Michigan in the mid-80's, having become disenchanted with Detroit's congestion and loss of civility. We chose Salt Lake City because we were avid skiers and loved the area. Margaret signed on at Wasatch Elementary School, in the Salt Lake School District, in 1986. She started out in front of a sixth-grade class, shifted to fifth grade and eventually settled in fourth. She was at home in the classroom. The most important thing for Margaret was the children. Margaret's memorial service will be held at 11 a.m. on Saturday, February 21 at St. Paul's Episcopal Church, 261 South 900 East in Salt Lake City. Immediately following the service, friends, colleagues and past and present students may gather for a celebration of Margaret's life at Wasatch Elementary School, 30 R Street. In lieu of flowers, the family suggests a donation to the Huntsman Cancer Center or the Utah Food Bank. I took it for granted that she would live forever and I miss her terribly. - Bob Lane
we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button...
I am not a movie spoiler so I wont speak of the plot, or the summary, only a few quotes that struck me and my reaction to the movie.
I don't think I have ever said that I would NEVER see a movie again, in fact I love seeing movies more than once, and more often then not a movie that I LOVE I would see obsessively. Hence, Dangerous Beauty, hence, Secrets of the Traveling Pants, hence, Phantom of the Opera, hence, Man of La Mancha...Fiddler on the Roof, Meet Joe Black, and an abundance of Chick Flicks, even the man movies that my husband loves. I will watch pretty much anything more than once...
But this movie. No, I don't think I will EVER watch again.
It broke my already broken heart.
I am beyond in pain today. I don't know what I was thinking, seeing a movie about death. When I am still hurting so much because of deaths. The death of my father in law, the death of my grandmothers, the most recent death of my son's teacher [funeral this Saturday...]
I began to cry as the buttons fell ...which is before the movie even begins.
BUTTONS. Jeremy collects them. My mom gave me the buttons from my grandmothers robe for him, the robe she wore the last year of her life. I sat yesterday with my mom, sewing buttons on Clarissa's 100 day project. One HUNDRED buttons to be sewn, hence our helping her out...NO I wouldn't normally do my childs homework....but help, YES.
I was struck by a few:
"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance. "
My grandmother was a dancer...and a mother, and motherly to me.
"Your life is defined by its opportunities... even the ones you miss. "
"It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you. "
"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "
"Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"
"You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. "
These last two; are imprinted on my heart.
Let me explain, because I need to hear myself work through this. As I sat, openly crying, my eyes crying all the tears that I have held in for, well, ever. I was crying for my lost childhood, for being old before I was young. For missing my grandmothers, for missing my dad in law, the man who listened more than he spoke, for all the times my husband deserved more love than I gave him, for my kids, aching for the love they deserve that I have had to learn how to give, for so many reasons. I sat there unable to stop the flow of tears. We walked out of the theatre and I could have been the only person in that place, I couldn't stop crying. We went to my husbands work. As I sat across from him at his desk he looked at me and said, "I loved your Grandmother too. I am sorry you miss her so much. It doesn't get better. I still miss my dad."
I couldn't stop crying. Sobbing like a baby. The child I was not allowed to be overflowed in my tears. I cried for all the times and reasons I have never cried. I cried until I was physically overcome, and sick. I have never allowed myself to feel such pain. And it was finally coming through me. From my heart, overcoming my physical self.
Don't let me frighten you from seeing the movie. It is certainly worth all the awards and hype. A beautiful movie.
My son knows buttons, I knew an amazing grandmother, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a student, a friend. And I have amazing people. This journey, this mile in my life. The grace, the love, the experience of feeling life. I am here. I am. My life has been defined by a great deal. May I appreciate the opportunities I am given and the ones I miss. May I trust, and know that I am blessed. And may peace come to all who hurt. May I seek to be more outside of myself, and more to others may I bless. May I heal. May I realize how important people are to me BEFORE I loose them. May I let go when I should, and hang on when I shouldn't.
"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.
There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
some good, most not so good. i seem to be wide awake in a night terror.
i just need to find rest. peace. forgiveness. hope.
i know where my rest will come, i am just so stubborn, and sometimes find myself eaking out all the growing pains that i can...
i know i should be sleeping, easy for you all to say, but impossible for me. i am on a quest. the verge of forgiveness. will i? and if I do, can I forgive myself???
he is my amazing. i am so in love with him.
I am so thankful for him.
Clarissa and I had a fun filled mommy daughter sleepover last night.
She is an inspiration to me. My amazing girl.
We watched Phantom of the Opera; a favorite of hers and mine.
I am inspired by a song; a new repertoire to add to our songs.
And here are our 16 songs; one for each year;
our many moments enjoyed;
ramblings of good, and some; not so...
Lyrics to All I Ask of You: [from Phantom]
No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...
Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true
that's all I ask of you
Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
You're safe, No one will find you
your fears are far behind you...
All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me...
Then say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you...
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...
Share each day with me,
each night, each morning...
Say you love me...
You know I do...
Love me - that's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me - that's all I ask of you...
this is how I feel, now, in this moment and time. I am needing his shelter, from my past, from my mind, my fear, my nightmares.
I LOVE YOU MR. B!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
"A Note from the principal to the students and their families in Mrs. Lane's class
Thursday February 12, 2009
Dear Students and Families,
It is with deep sadness that I let you know that Margaret Lane died earlier today at the Huntsman Cancer Center. As you know Margaret had been ill for several months. She had been undergoing treatment for ovarian cancer.
Margaret's passing is a tremendous loss not only to Wasatch Elementary School but also to her husband and to all her friends on the faculty and throughout the community. She was a model educator ---experienced, smart and incredibly dedicated.
Margaret's family and close friends are just now beginning to make arrangements for a memorial services to celebrate her life. We will provide more information about these plans as they become available next week.
Take a moment to remember all the wonderful moment and days you were lucky to have with Mrs. Lane. Talk about these times with your classmates and your family. And if you'd like to talk to me about Margaret, I'd be happy to do that, too.
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Have fun tomorrow, but think about Mrs. Lane, too. We will miss her. Sincerely, Mrs. Miller
Sam has had a permanant substitute Mrs. Poulsen. She is amazing and we are happy she will be continuing to teach him.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Jeremy's class play was spectacular, and every word I needed to hear right now. I thought I would share the transcript, amazing to me that our children get to participate in such events, and as a whole family we benefit from bits of their educational experience.
"If at first you don't succeed try, try again."
"Success doesn't come to you... you go to it"
"Success is a journey not a destination."
"Choice not circumstances, determine your success."
"Success comes before work only in the dictionary."
All children: What is success?
kid 1: Is it having great toys?
kid 2: Is it winning medals?
kid 3: Or having friends of your choice
kid 4: Success is much more
kid 5: than these kinds of things
kid 6: There is nothing like the feeling
kid 7: that true success brings!
Teacher: So what is success? That's easy to see. It's trying to be the best you can be!
Don't worry what others might have or might say. When trying your best, success comes your way.
and is dressed in a worker ant costume]
The Ants part: [my kid, too]
We may be small, that's very true
But we succeed, and so can you.
We move a mountain, bit by bit.
It takes HARD WORK, we never sit.
We work and work thoughout the day
My work comes first before I play
Success is yours, please understand
When you and WORK go hand in hand.
Enter the Monkeys:
My friends are like my family
I share with them, they share with me
Respect your friends in all you do.
And they'll give back respect to you.
You'll find success if this you learn
The gift of FRIENDSHIP must be earned.
To make a friend I do believe.
That you yourself a friend must be.
Enter the bees:
I'm one of millions in our hive
It looks confused as we all strive
We buss around throughout the day
COOPERATION's our sweet way.
Work as one in all you do
When you help others, they'll help you
Seek to know what someone needs.
Then Pitch right in and you'll succeed!
If success is your great goal.
You must practice self control
Use common sense in all you do
Controlling emotions is helpful too.
I knew a fish who took the bate
Good judgment gone, the hook he ate
My friend was fried upon the grill,
With SELF-CONTROL he'd be here still.
I scurry around and round each day
Taking action is my way.
I get up and go and give it my all.
When actions needed I never stall.
And when I look for lunch to eat
I'm not afraid to risk defeat.
Don't fear failure,
Try your best,
Take some ACTION for success.
To weave a web demands great skill,
and snaring lunch is quite a thrill.
Practice makes my web grow finer
I'm a top-notch web designer
I pay attention to each detail
I do it right so I won't fail.
I learned my skill through hours of drill
To find success you must have SKILL.
This amazing play ended with a song and dance,
and the kids chanting how each
of these building blocks are the recipe for success.
I needed to hear this,
I think I had forgotten some of these
critical secrets to success,
which is why I share them with you all.
Hope in some small way,
they brighten and cheer up your day!
Hard work, Friendship, Cooperation, Self-Control, Action, Skill.
May you have a
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Why another word...enough said!
Monday, February 2, 2009
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
No man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
And finally, a Very Interesting Quote:
In light of the present financial crisis, it's interesting to read what Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered."
hmmm, and look how far we have come.