tough it out

well, thats not working well.

i have been trying to tough some things out for far too long now.

you ask:

how are you?

i reply:

i'm fine, i'm great, all is well, swell, perfect, sometimes just okay.

and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well, or pretty well, sometimes swell, not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects, and generally i am okay. i mean, i have an abundance of gratitude, and my attitude reflects gratitude, and happiness, and even laced with some cheerfulness. plus i am good at smiling and pasting on a happy face. i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B. really. poor people who have to hear all to many times that i don't feel good, i am stressed. i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out. yep, that sounds about right!

this diatribe is not meant to make anyone feel they have to swoop in fix anything. we don't really have anything that needs fixing. we don't need dinners, maids, therapists....haha...now I sound a little pathetic. like: relationship issues, i am fine, i don't need anything, etc...when i am really dying inside for you to read my mind and there are a billion things you could be doing differently. haha. really, that is NOT what i am intending here.

i just need to write.

writing heals me.

i have about 100 journals to prove that my writing process is cathartic, and i have years of personal social improvement to show that i do overcome.

right now just need to say it out loud.

we have been toughing it out, and where it all looks fine it really is harder than i am showing it.

so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago and started talking about how we are really doing....first in prayer, then to random people who asked "how are you?"....help arrived. in the form of peace, and interesting phone conversations, and direction to some helps that can really help us. and then prayer again, thanking Him for more blessings in abundance.

we really are going to be okay. we are pretty tough actually, and all will be well.