i'm useless

trust me when i tell you that is a good thing.



the doctor told me the process of recovery is up and down. what i am experiencing seems to follow that;

more rhetorically, progress and setback.

truly i am use more to progress, and use less to setback.



so i am use less.



this is not an unfamiliar journey. surgeries have been many for me, some worse, some easier. the only real difference in defining this is that i lost something else this time.



as B creatively described to well wishers at church on sunday:

Well wisher: Brother L., how is your wife?

B: She's uterless.

Now this may be a really insensitive thing to say if you don't know the rest of the conversation. I think I will keep the rest spoken to myself, however it was lovely and kind and supportive. If you know anything about B it is that he has wit and he has heart. I like his wit, and when he told me that i was uterless it made me smile. i love that he can see the lighter side of things. being glum all the time is no way to live.



with Mr. B he has to have humor to cope. the first surgery major i ever had was while we were dating. lovingly Brian is spoken of as the last man standing, and thus he was.



i was dating a few others, as any 20 year old woman would and should. it is weird at that age for your girlfriend to have surgery. unfortunately for me i went into this with a few more boyfriends than i probably needed. some thinking we were exclusive found themselves and their flowers face to face with competition.

Brian brought a plant.

He stood in the corner of my recovery room with his plant, and he didn't put it down until the last competitor gave up and left. There he was, alone with my affection, a dose of something dripping into my veins, and a potential wife who was told she probably would not be able to have children, EVER. What didn't send him packing at that moment is beyond me, and a miracle that has blessed my life.



during the week of recovery I gradually delivered every beautiful flower to another patients room, bringing them a visit, cheer, and something to enjoy during their recovery.



after that i was more exclusively Brians. I have joked it was the plant, so i suppose our wit is a match made in heaven.



anyhow, recovery is having its ups and its downs.
physically, emotionally, mentally. i take comfort in what my doctor told me. with each up i will have a down but soon enough i will see that i really have been on an incline all along. the downs are never as far falling as they seem.

be patient, be a patient. that was his advice. so in good patient form i am taking my vitamins, a little pain med, eating the dates and prunes brian feels inclined to bring me. enjoying the contraband others sneak in for me. drinking plenty of fluid, reading, and resting! a lot of resting!

seems like i am always waking up.
that is the greatest thing i do right now, i wake up.



i wake up to a child looking at me, inquisitively, 'how many days left?' ...till i can get up all day, they want to know.


i wake up to the scent of lemon, or citrus, whatever oil that Brian is bubbling in my room; for peace, for calm contemplation, ...destressing me.


when i am feeling a little pissy or sour he RUNS for more lemon. I tried telling him ice cream works the same. lol



i wake up to a dog or a cat laying at my feet. how come pets are always drawn to a healing person. i have heard they also stay beside those who are dying....hmmmm...maybe they sense my sorrow?





i wake up to the sounds of my favorite soundtracks, or a movie a child has popped in to pass the time with mom.



yesterday i woke up to a shower, a SHOWER of love, affections, and tokens of my motherhood, each carefully wrapped or written by one of my five blessings.



i sometimes wake up to pain. it doesn't bother me. my first thought is that i am one day further up from being down. and that feels good.


















i always wake up to beauty, security; a beautiful surrounding, the safety of my own room, in our home, in a land of freedom and peace, flowers laced around my room to bring me cheer, security that all i have to do is ring a bell and someone will come running. cheerful to bring me whatever my need is. i recognize how blessed i am.

i wake up to contemplations, thoughts, ramblings; in a mind that is always ponering and reflecting.

i wake up to memories, and hopes. things of the past, and of the future. this moment, right now is just a pause in between with a promise.

i am content to be use less for now.

i am becoming more content with being uterless.

today it crossed my mind that it is not my uterus that made me a mother, it is my heart. i still have that.