dEar mE nExt wEEk

I have avoided conversation on the following subject to the best of my ability. Avoidance is something that I use as a coping mechanism of sorts. It is not that I am internally avoiding....that would be in denial. I have mostly avoided having long discussions that leave me feeling a lack of acceptance for the inevitable.

For 20 years I have known this day would come. I was maybe 19... found out that I had a cyst. Surgery would be necessary. Thy will be done. Next I was 20, maybe closer to 21, dating and looking forward to the rest of my life. Dreaming of the large family I hoped to have some day, and really taking for granted that I had all the power in the world to control the outcome of my dreams, my fantasy's.

Makes me laugh now to remember the day I first laid eyes on Brian. He was the boy next door [not literally], but his boyish look had me locked in a new DREAM. That was until he called my sister, asked her out, and in dating her further annoyed me until he was the LAST person I would have wasted a Friday night, even a MONDAY night on.

Oh so many years have passed, and truly the DREAM I had has come to its full potential with Brian. Now I hope to have EVERY MONDAY...FAMILY night, and all the rest...with him, wasted on him.

But another dream of mine....didn't happen that way.



So there I was, laying in the hospital. Recovering from a surgery that removed a large portion of what would make those dreams come true. One of two fallopian tubes was flushed somewhere, and I began to grieve. To mask my grieving I was in a denial. I accepted what I was told. With my endometriosis and fibroid uterus having children was not a likely story...much less a dream, and really more of a fantasy.

Why does all this matter? Today...these memories of yesteryears.

Well, fast forward to today....I have, WE have, four of the seven beautiful children that I DREAMED of.....I am content, but have an aching that doesn't go away. I didn't get all that I wanted, but have come to accept the Lords will to give me what I have.

I delight in my children, I cherish them. I also yell at them, I lose my patience when asking them to complete chores multiple times a day...when they lose their homework, when they tease one another unmercifully, give me a LIST of things they have to have "BEFORE first period....which starts in about 12 minutes".....

They may be LAUGHING, but I am writhing inside. Yes, it is a BLISSFUL dream, and I am living it.


But today....my breasts are tender, the pain of my period is lingering. I should start sometime this weekend. Those feelings I have each month, the ones that trick my mind into thinking that maybe, in a magical world, I would wave my magical wand, and the triplets would be on their way to join our family. I would take just one, this time, if it was His will. I would take two, or four....whatever He would give me. Instead each month I have pain. I have physical limitations because of an iron deficiency that is unfix-able. So I take it easy, I feel the agony of grieving....while keeping my eyes open to the blessings I already have.


Today...it struck me, the tugging pains, the exhaustion I feel...those parts of this will be no longer. The period I always dread...I now grieve I will never have again.

No matter how much I fight it, how many times I say to myself "just don't get into that car tomorrow", "don't go to sleep and they cant take it from you"....

I have come to accept that the Lords will for me is to live with what I have...and in order to do that, to have a peaceful life, to continue in Bliss, content with my blessings, I have to undergo this medical procedure that I have been dreading the thought of for 20 years.

Oh how I wish this could just be another quick fix. But alas we would be right back here in a year or two. My family in agony. Me impatient in pain. A selfish grieving of something I CANT have when my eyes wide open tell me I already have all the little blessings that I was meant to.

Maybe my dream was just that....and my REALITY is better than I could have ever dreamed.

It comes to trusting in the Lord. For me right now that is all I have. Trusting the Lord, and trusting Brian's pleading that I please do this...so that together we can continue to build upon other dreams that we have...TOGETHER.

The gift in all of this is that physically I can be pain free. This gift will keep on giving to me and to my family, as I have the potential to be more patient, less weary, and have energy in abundance to do the things I desire to do. I can continue to be the Mother I dream of being everyday.

dEar mE nExt wEEk...please accept the things that are about to happen so that the greater part can be yours. while allowing yourself to feel all that is to be felt, do not lose sight of eternal perspective. keep your eyes open to what is right in front of you and let go of the things that are not to be yours in this lifetime...with faith, with peace....and with the love of a family that is surrounding you, even angels, promised to attend in your weakest hour. this is my prayer. may i be strong enough to wake up to the potential of what is to come.
i don't have all the power in the world to control it
...only the power to accept...