Friday, October 23, 2009

Dearest Grandmother,

I miss you. I miss your crooked smile, your endearing eyes,
your enduring hugs, your love for me and your listening ear.

I realize as I miss you that I can
look at a picture and see your smile,

I can try to gaze into your eyes
and imagine you are looking only back at me,

I can read your history
and wrap a blanket around myself
pretending that I am in the warmth of your arms,

and I can close my eyes and
still feel the love you have for me.

Sometimes while my eyes are closed I pretend that I am talking to you, telling you all about life, the things I would tell you if you were here. And then I wait, and in the silence I know that you are not here, and I miss you.

I miss you so much that my heart feels broken in half. I wish that I could give part of it to you so that I could feel healing in your presence. I know that I will have to wait, and as I ponder what it is that I will do while I am still here I think of all the things that I will miss telling you, miss sharing with you.

You told me once of a dream that you had. A dream that you realized was about me the day I was born. Grandma, I dream about you now, and I wonder when my dreams will come true. I want to see you again, to see you whole, and healthy, taking a walk in all the places you loved being while you were here.

I think about all that you are doing there. I think about the amazing people you are with, and how you are helping them to feel special; the way you made me feel. I don't want to take you from your work, or from them.

I try to be strong but I find myself crying and pleading for just one more day, one more moment. One more chance to hold your hand, to tell you I love you. To tell you thank you for being there for me. To tell you that you are my everything. I didn't have enough time, never enough time, and I didn't have the words to say good bye.
I didn't want to see you hurting anymore.
I didn't want you to suffer,
but I wanted to keep you with me.

I suppose that all these things should make me try harder. To have hope and to seek to do all the righteous things that will bring me to you again someday. I wish I had the strength in my life to fulfill that desire.

I feel so weak. I feel so broken. You understood me, you listened to me, and you always cared about how I was really doing, not just the surface stuff, but the real insides of my soul.

Grandma, I miss you. I wonder if you are watching me sometimes, and if you are disappointed in what you see. If you still love me, really knowing me for who I am.
The who that I hide from everyone else. The me that is really me.
Do you still love me?

I picked an apple from your tree last time I was there. I wanted to bring it too you, to bottle it or dry it, or slice it and have a snack with you, a snack harvested from the grace of God.
I wonder what will come in my life, what the seasons will bring, what I will harvest, and who I will share it with. I wonder if I am doing all that I can, and should be doing, to nourish my family, their souls, and will my family reap a good harvest someday.

I think of all you taught me, your hard work and diligence. The faith and testimony that you had and so lived your life to emulate. I think of the lessons I learned from you going to primary with you, and then when you made me go to Relief Society. I so didn't want to go without you. I didn't want to grow up. I wanted to stay with you, but you knew better. You knew that I needed to be moving on, growing, and that growth would be painful, but would bring me the most joy. I learned then that I would be okay, without you.
I wish I believed that now.

Thank you for all the memories.
There is not a holiday that I don't think of something that I want to incorporate because of you. This year has been hard for me. I don't think I am finished grieving but I am hopeful that it is time to move on, to accept the pain as growth, and to be okay.

I miss you, I always will, but I thank you that I can look in the mirror and see all that is good of you looking back at me.
Thank you for giving me that.

I love you.

---your granddaughter


suzie said...

I love you.

Liz said...

Your words are so wonderful and express how I am feeling lately, so there are tears.
Thank you and I love you so very much.
She is a grand lady and our lives will never be the same; which is beautiful and lonely.
All of our tears will help heal our sorrows...

LeShel said...

thanks for posting this and giving me a minute to reflect on the many beautiful women in our family (yourself and grandma included).
Love you!

Steve E. said...

Stacie, you are one of those IMPORTANT people in my blog-family. I must get your site onto my blogroll, because otherwise I just miss you, and get missed by you.

Thank you SO much for finding your way to my blog tonight! It did my heart real good to read from you.

I have loved your thoughts...your thinking, that is, from when we first met (on here). You are such a fine spiritual inspiration for PG and myself, I just told her I am writing you a note--oh! I forgot, this is a "comment" and here am getting personal.

Please forgive--and PEACE! with you and your peeps, dear! ...and LOVE, from

Liz said...

Thinking of you this morning and loving you with ALL my HEART! ♥

my happiness!

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“You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences.” ~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley


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