Full Admission - Journaling...

Alas, my chipper soul and spirit broke, and in my weakness I submitted to tears.



January 8th, late evening:

i thought i was going to be okay …i have been so positive, and maintained a mind over matter happy day attitude ..so how come tonight i am freaking out inside. my sensibility tells me to hold it together. no one round me should have to deal with the pain and torture that i am feeling inside. i have been cheerful, i have been pleasant, i have been strong. i have worked, stayed busy, served, loved, cheered….yet tonight i feel darkness and pain and anger and torment taking over my insides out. all is well, i keep telling myself that, yet i can not help but feel there is a flood of tears behind the dam of my eyelids. i breathe. i pray. i pretend, and the frayed rope that i have been clinging to is coming to an end…it is stretched and at the end of its strength. tonight there is nothing left. tomorrow is my late grandmothers birthday. i have prepared to celebrate in doing good deeds, doing things that would honor her life, finished off by a huge bowl of rocky road ice cream put away with her favorite ice cream eating spoon that was gifted to me when she could no longer tolerate eating it. she had asked me to feed her ice cream until she died, and i tried my best to fulfill her wish. last year i finished off her final half gallon of rocky road topped with my tears. i miss her. i thought i could go into January loving it as much as she did, but i don’t know if January's end will find me fulfilling her legacy. i miss her....

Today, January 11th:

i suppose that my submission and weakness will bring chagrin to many who think i think i am all that and a pair of shoes. i don't. i am not. i weep, i am impatient, i have insecurities, and behind the smile, deep in my eyes, is pain that i rarely share with the world.

last night Brian said that in 17 years I still haven't answered some of his most basic questions. "what happened?" "why do [i] always put on the pretense of strength...why can't i just open up and let him salve the wounds so deeply planted?"

i really don't know. ....still.




...Saturday, January 9th, AM

i just got home from a long drive. thank you each for your sweet tender and supportive comments on my behalf regarding my pain and grieving. last night i went to bed weeping, but hoping that i could sleep and with the rest that i would awaken with renewed strength. this morning i woke feeling at least rested.

after a peaceful refreshing shower i knelt to pray and found myself passing along a happy birthday to my grandmother. i wanted to blow candles out for her and make a wish, and it seemed in my mind that i knew exactly what she would wish for. i gathered the children and we did just that. i sang with them..."happy birthday dear grandma" and as i felt the tears wetting my cheeks i listened to my cheerful children finish the song. they seemed delighted at the idea that they could blow out a candle and make a wish on someone elses birthday. a bonus for sure!!!


my wish i can not tell, but it wasn't for me. it was for my grandpa, for my aunts, and my uncle, my mom, my cousins, my siblings, my children.

then as i drove my son up the canyon for a day of skiing i enjoyed listening to his chatter with friends, they are so full of love and life and hope and laughter. miley cyrus' song the climb came on the radio. [pretty sure i posted this song before. i have an appreciation for all it says]

for sure i thought i would have to change the station because i was driving 15 year old boys...hanah montana would be a downer for sure, ...to my surprise one of the boys started talking her up..."she is so awesome, turn up the radio". WHAT???

YEAH for me. i love this song...i listened to the lyrics as i was driving/climbing the canyon, to reach the destination that would bring these boys a day of sheer fun and pleasure.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

in this first verse i heard my heart literally breaking open, i feel this, i understand this with absolute testimony... can i...will i make it,

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

we all have to lose, it is in the losing that we find strength in what we realize we still have.

it amazed me to read your comments to my turmoil last night. i could hear in each of you that you know this battle that i am challenged with, you have all experienced loss, and pain, ...mountains. ...and you choose to be here for me, and for each other. you take chances....

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

i began to think about what i was leaving behind, as i was driving up the canyon, ...leaving the smog of the valley, what was behind me didn't matter so much, i had to keep my eyes on the road ahead, to safely meet my destination.

i thought of the rear-view mirrow, it is so small, and it is important to see what is behind you, but the windshield in all it's magnificant size is what is really vitally important, in reaching any new destination...if i were to have focused solely on the rear-view mirror i would surely have destruction in my future. not to mention my precious cargo.

i took my time, i drove with precaution, the speed i was comfortable, glancing from time to time in the rear-view mirror, but focusing on where i was headed, what was in front of me.

..Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on.

yeah, i had a battle last night, a battle of emotion, of battle of grieving the loss of a person who certainly was VIP in my life, maybe even one of the most important people in creating who i am today. a person who pushed me beyond my own limits, pushed me when i thought i couldn't be any stronger, pushed me out of bed when all i wanted was to die under the covers, pushed me to be better than i thought i was. a person who taught me that in my very least i could hold my head high....and know that i was loved, know that i had value, and that i had ability,

and most of all, she taught me that being me wasn't enough,
discovering who i am meant to be was.

[thank you Grandma]

I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

the drive today was good. i got the boys to their destination. i thankfully realized right then that this reality is exactly what every day of my life is about. my choices, my focus, my being able to put the past behind me and focusing on what is in front, where i am headed, is the only way that i can climb, the only way i can be assured that my precious cargo, my loved ones, will safely make it, together...

i had brought myself some tissues in the pocket of my sweater because i had told myself that i could have a good cry on the way home. the tissues in the pocket of my sweater [there just the way my grandma would have had] are still in my pocket. i think i will save them for another day, another time.

today....i plan to find someone to help, something good, something she would have done, and i plan to smile, because she would have. that is what she would have wanted from me. i can feel her pushing me, almost annoyed that i would waste so much time and thought in grieving her. that i would waste the energy i have been given, when i can be doing so much good elsewhere.

i am certain she is not moping around. sure she misses us all too, but she is busy, actively engaged in doing good works. she is probably holding all the babies...moments before they are placed in mothers arms, she is probably teaching and greeting and comforting others. ....for sure she whispered in my ear her wish to me.

"Move on dear,
do good,
and be of good cheer.
You have a work to be done,
now get to work."

Keep on moving,
keep climbing
Keep the faith,

it's all about the climb

Today, January 11th


???

I will have to get back to me on that one...