Thursday, January 7, 2010

Good Morning January

As I was saying my morning prayers Gavin stepped into my room to let me know he was ready for a ride to school. He could walk, but it is cold, and besides that he likes the bit of time with mom or dad in the mornings.

We don't drive him often so when he asks I jump at the opportunity. He hushed himself quickly and re-closed the door.

As I knelt there I had a bit of a small epiphany. It struck me that my being on my knees really is the best place for my kids to find me in their wanderings.

All that I say; the nagging, the at times tensions, the pleadings, the structure, the discipline, all that by itself is really meaningless.
But to see me in action,
praying individually for each of them.
That is impressionable.

They hear my prayers at times;
they know I pray for them,
that I plead for them,
that I trust God to lead their lives,
to allow their trials,
and to comfort and support them appropriately.

He knows what is best in the interest of their growth and development.

They need to struggle.
They need trials.
They need to work things
out right now in their lives,
right now in the security of our home,
while basking in our support and love.

The world is a harsh place. Their schools are not easy ones, they don't have filters, and they don't have blinders. Our children are exposed to so much, and our home is their refuge.

The epiphany continued
as I drove him to school.
I was thankful,
and I told him;
for the chance to leave just that much earlier
and see the half moon basking in the sunrise,
as if to say it had not had a long enough night.

I feel that way too sometimes.

The new day comes abruptly
and I wish I could linger
in my comfort and peace
without interruption,
without demand.

On my way home I had an abrupt revelation as I rolled around the corner through a stop sign.

Wasn't it just last night while driving home from Scouts with the boys that I had told Gavin he needed to come to a full stop at every STOP sign and light.
"Just to be safe and legal." I told him.

I don't want him to EVER
be placed in a compromising position
because of something
as simple as taking an extra second to stop.

And here I was birthing
the realization
that I NEVER
come to a full stop.

No wonder he didn't.

We arrived at home and he told me that had he been pulled over he would have said, "Oh....about my learners permit...uh,

and having three passengers,

and the rolling through the stop sign....Well,

my mom is in the back seat...!!!"

I laughed and then I realized what he was telling me was that I had just allowed him to BREAK many of the rules of a 15 year old driver.

I had played the stop light game....
"Hey, Gav, do you want to drive the rest of the way???"

We hopped out, switched seats....and off we went.

I replied to him at the door,
"Uhhh, yeah, that would be a problem.
I didn't have my license with me either."

We talked for a while after that, well, a few minutes of focused conversation, before I ran off to my Relief Society Presidency Meeting.

I expressed to him that I really should not have had him drive without his permit, with the boys, and without my license.

I will be a better example,
as my deepest hope is
to raise them with
the skill and ability
to make good judgement,
and to not fall to temptation
and peer pressures.
Even if that peer pressure comes
from his own MOTHER.

I had pressured him to drive. [He trusts me.]

My example of rolling through the stop signs
[FAR TOO OFTEN for me to even notice...habit=scary]...
WOW, don't anyone be giving me the Mother of the Year award any time soon. this morning....a Good January Morning...I am blessed with a greater understanding of my own example.
What my kids see me doing is far more impressionable that what they hear me telling them to do?

This in itself is not my epiphany,
for I have known this many times over.

My epiphany is that I can forgive myself, and move forward,
knowing that I haven't ruined their lives or mine by making a few mistakes here and there.

I can be found on my knees, with trust in God, and faith in the promise that all will be well as I submit to His will, and submit them [and me] to his care.

In their wanderings...
and in mine...
may we be found on our knees.


Liz said...

I often wonder if my children ever saw me on my knees. If so they did not interrupt. This is a beautiful post and it has so much insight and value. Love you so very much. You ARE a fantastic MOM!

LeShel said...

love the insight and thinking about your cute son, okay not cute but HOT!

my happiness!

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“You will have significant experiences. I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh your memory of those meaningful and significant things. Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you. Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some may build one upon another until they represent a lifetime of special experiences.” ~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley


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