Tuesday, December 27, 2011

JOY

Good morning life! What a blur! Pretty much we have had the most incredible odd December ever! Point made. Gavin was rearranging his room on the eve of Christmas day when he pulled out his neck brace and looked deep into my soul and said poignantly "one year yesterday". Honestly things could have taken such a turn for the worse in that moment last December Christmas Eve.

My reflection over the last year and all the struggles and loss came into perspective in a flash of gratitude. We could have lost Gavin. His traumatic brain injury could have had more lasting effects. Don't get me wrong...none of it has been easy. I have spent the year getting to know our new Gavin. He is different. Head trauma is tricky and honestly he is still healing. Things that were easy for him are SOOOOO hard now. But he is renewed in that he has accepted his limitations and challenges as growth to have and to do something with. He knows its up to him to work it. He told me once tearfully that although this is NOT the time in his life that he would have liked to have this challenge that he knows he has something to learn from it that will make him better, he is becoming his best self and by accepting this trial he has allowed himself to see what God can make of him through it. It has been SOOOOO hard. I have watched him scream and cry and grovel in depression and confusion. He spent months not even knowing day from night. I wish I had kept a daily log of my own experience because there is no way I can describe it. It has been lonely as sad and frustrating and intense. I realize this has been my least blogged year and honestly the most has happened. Good and challenging.

Also on Christmas Eve last year I was calling an ambulance for my Mother, whose health was taking a deadly turn. In that moment I ignored Gavin's calls... all three, thinking he forgot his gloves or money for lunch. I had just dropped him off at Park City and had driving out of the canyon. I was NOT going back....I suddenly felt a desperate impression to answer Gavin's calls and quickly asked my mothers roommate to call an ambulance and I would call her back...Gavin must REALLY need something to be so persistent in calling, I told her.

Well, he indeed needed me. And it wasn't him calling, it was his friend. His very scared friend. Gavin was injured, badly, he had been unconscious....was waking up...couldn't move his legs, didn't know his name. Well...anyhow, I have written all this before...it's just today--I feel true PURE JOY! In reflecting on this past year, this month, all that we are still facing, as life is full of challenges, and yet, feeling so blessed. Feeling full of faith and gratitude that we are right here, where we are, enduring all He sees fit to give us to overcome.

I think we are spoiled. We have love, we have each other, and we have time.

I see the hourglass overturned and the sands of time are running swiftly through the narrow passage. There are grains to enjoy and while I can not stop the sands from falling through I can run my fingers through them and enjoy.

This year as we had our best Christmas yet. I think it is mostly because of giving. Let me explain lest a misunderstanding here, it's consumerism at it's best, and me...the grinch of consumerism, am also a hypocrite....yikes!

This year Christmas lasted. ...all....day... As each gift was given and thoroughly appreciated and enjoyed. Each child loving the opportunity to give a gift they had carefully chosen and wrapped and laid tenderly under the trimmed tree in anticipation of that Christmas morning moment....and me spoiled to sit and bask to celebrAte their moments with each other. Brian and I in awe of their excitement more to GIVE than to receive. They get it....the spirit and JOY of this season. We sat back watching laughter and love and honestly felt so spoiled....do I really deserve such incredible happiness!!! I am going to say yes! I have made tremendous stride to give so much of my effort to being pleasant and patient and enjoying the moments, whether a challenge, a frustration, or a simple happiness, my attitude makes the diffence. That has been something I have been working on and it works!


Anyhow, I look back to my PouTy moment at the beginning of the month --- Missing the wArd Christmas party while recovering from my surgery.... to the JOY I feel today. I have been busily engaged in the merriment of the Christmas season, each day not without challenge, but with a mind over matter attitude I have endured much and am happy to sit in reflection today. We are blessed. Everyone of us.

Not just me and mine, look at your lives. Admit whatever challenges you have you can finding an inkling of blessing. Of being guided through those challenges and see opportunities for growth. Being cheerful is a choice!

I missed the Christmas party....and then another family party along the way...boo! I really felt sad about those losses, missing time with our loved ones. But me not running till I was MORE weary gave my body and mind time to heal and then other opportunities came along for me to enjoy. It's choices. Make the hard ones so you can make more of whAt is coming.

I miss my mom. Losing her was one of the hardest parts of 2011 and will be one of my Top 10 hardest heartbreaks ever to face, but I am so thankful she is not suffering and I am so thankful for what legacies she left behind that I can glean from her life. Good and bad. It is an amazing truth that if you chose to overlook the bad that the good is so much...gooder!!! :)

I also miss some really key family who are not a part of our lives right now. Trials, challenges, choices have created distance that may never be overcome. I miss them, the love and laughter and all the good, so much good. I weep, i pray, i hope. Stunned still to be facing this challenge, confused...Naively I believe that in time things will heal. The more time passes the more I realize that I may just be banking hope. But I still believe.

I miss my family that lives far away in geography, but is always close in heart. It is amazing to me that even with the physical distance that there is a closeness that is bonded by love. There really is no distance when you have love. I can celebrate their happiness and success and enjoy the knowledge that they are doing exactly what I am doing...Living each day to the fullest and making them most of very blessing we have. We really are a happy family. We walked hot coals and depths of sorrow to have the joy we are all making with our moments. Knowing they are all happy and making their own success makes my whole soul celebrate!

I miss my grandmother, yet was blessed this week with the most amazing gift in the mail. A remembrance of her life and her warmth and her love, her example. She really is not that far from me. Someone really special in my life reminded me of that his week. They are both just a thought away. It's amazing. I close my eyes and in a moment I am with them both and it is wonderful! In a swift Kung Fu kick I beat death and distance and they are with me in my heart and soul.

While I am rambling I have a gratitude that is still a weeping tenderness. I found out that the growth I had removed had some abnormal pathology. Confused....mee too. I have grown stuff for twenty years and the news is always the same. Benign. This one wasn't. I still can't say it, the word. Interestingly this month has been full of c-words. Christ, cookies, cards, chains, cheer, Clarissa's b-day!, candies, crafts, cooking.... Yet, I still can't say it out loud. I don't think I will. For one, when the doctor told me he was really assuring that what was is out, all of it. And because it looked so different from a normal growth, which we have know since June, which we have been watching closely (well, sort of...I was suppose to be seen again in August and I made a mistake I will never make again and put it off until November. :( I won't do that again...ever). I claimed I didn't have time......I could have made that a truth. Reflection.

I just feel really blessed that it is out and the pathology of all the surrounding tissue is normal and while we have some months of follow up I can really COUNT my blessings. That one C-word I am focusing on.

Count your many blessings....name them one by one....

Christmas has been a wonderful blessing. We overdid it as always....but what a fun cache of memories we have created. This month...three surgeries....two performances.... Four beautiful amazing children, countless family and friends to love and celebrate, one Christ, a home, heart, health, hearth. Pondering's, reflections, ramblings. So much to enjoy, time, so little to waste. Cheerful is a choice. Make it yours. I am making it mine! JOY - Jesus, Others, Yourself. It's a faultless motto. Have a JOYfull (FULL) 2012!

1 comment:

Liz said...

Love you, praying and thankful for you, your life, who you are and all you do!

my happiness!

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