i am not mature enough to handle all this

i realize that what i am about to say is probably TMI for ...well, anyone. I start talking to Brian and I cry and he just holds me...and then I can't talk anymore. I truly am bursting inside and can't write by hand fast enough to get it all out. I know this too will pass and all will be well. Faith is good like that...when you know there is a plan and that you have to pass through some things and the good part is right around the corner. I just wonder how damn long this corner is going to take to round. [pardon my inability to filter anything at this point...i am weary and when i am weary you all get the truth]

actually...this post is a gratitude post and my attitude is about to catch up with it. i just need to ramble and so here i am. rhetorically rambling....sparing you the romance.

this has been a LONG NEW YEAR. I was just remembering last January. The days were short LONG days and I loved each one of them. I carefully planned each day around a nap and happiness. I wanted to celebrate January. I didn't make resolutions...only resolved to not resolve. SUCCESS. It was a delightful month. As for 2011...well, that is what I am here to talk about.

2011 has brought all sorts of interesting. PERIOD....

We ended 2010 dealing with healing. Gavin and his head trauma. My mother had been in and out of the hospital and Intensive Care Unit since pre-Thanksgiving. She would get well...well sort of....well enough to talk and then be right back in an ambulance to the ER. Never a resolve, always a question. What does she need to heal her?

Anyhow, i am sketchy on the dates and since this is a rambling I don't feel I have to be accurate.

About three weeks ago I was delightfully anticipating my brothers wife Jessica expecting their baby. We had just spoken and all seemed to be going well. She was tired, ready for baby # 2 MAX to make his presence known! I was just beginning a new semester, learned that I was going to GRADUATE...yay ME!!! and the kids were semi-pleasantly back in school. It seemed my days were filled. School, phone calls, prayers, dinner, piano, basketball, scouts, young mens/young womens, family home evenings...the usual, and then there was the new...meetings with the High School. It is a new thing to present a son with disability papers and a learning curve to meet with administration often to know how to best support Gavin in his healing. What can I say...we were going along each day. Busy but anxiously engaged in all good works!

Then my mother begins to present with symptoms again. I actually dont remember the date but I will never forget the DAY. I texted my siblings with a "same symptoms...different day" message. Regarding our mom: What else could I say? She was experiencing all the SAME things I have been telling them all for two months, almost three at this point. So that was the message.

In the meantime I was dealing with the Salt Lake District on some Shared Governance Issues, long story short. And still trying to figure out how to help Gavin heal. Then I hear from my brother Jesse that Baby Max's heart has an arrhythmia. I really did just drop to my knees.

At first I didn't think to pray...but then the pleading came naturally from within me.

Could we all handle all this?

It is so much and so many different directions of worry.

Let me just ramble about my siblings. I have the absolutely best brothers and sisters anyone could ask for. I also have the very best adopted siblings. ...if you think you are mine...you are. I am so blessed with loved ones. It is unbelievable how wonderful I feel about the love and support that we have for each other. Growing up we experienced tragedy and trial beyond what you could call a CHILDhood. It was not the best of circumstances and in some cases and moments you could actually say it was the worst of circumstances. Nonetheless we survived, together, and we have amazing relationships with one another. Careful if you try anything because they have my back always and forever...and I have theirs. We are protective, engaged, tender, tearful, loving brothers and sisters. Along the way we have adopted a few...Jenny adopted me first...and through me all my siblings. She is mine and we are hers, always. There are friends along the way, some stick it out with us and become family. That's the thing about loving us....if you do you become part of us. Our childhood is full of laughs. We really did make the best of it!!! Since we have grown up we have been up to our elbows in each others lives. Both my brothers have lived with me years long....Jesse was with me when Sam was born and I was on bedrest. He was our Mr. Mom. He handled so much and really took good care of me, of us all. He came around for a second stint when I was pregnant with Jeremy and spent 4 months in bed. He is the VERY best Manny in the WORLD!!! Well....Jake could also stand on the top of that podium. My kids think their Aunties and Uncles are second Mommy and Daddies....they really all are so lucky and loved, on both my and Brians side of the family. We are a village raising a few children. When we were growing up things were tough by all standards. But we stuck it out and have always been there for each other. Suzie came to live with me for a while and those summers....and SNOWY winters are some of my greatest memories. She is Gavins second mommy. I will never forget her pretending he was hers. I think she still does sometimes. :) And then there was the twins. Sheri had her twin girls and went through a time tougher than any mother should have to. We just talked a little about this and I still weep for what she missed. She had her babies, emergency weekend in October. My cousin LeShel [aka adopted sibling] came looking for me. I think she hiked an entire mountain looking for me. I think of her and that sacrifice often. I had Zoe with me and my sister was going through something frightening ....my family knew I needed to be with her....and LeShel came looking for me. The girls were born...each all of 3 pounds. So scary...this is a LONG story so the short side is that they came home after 9 weeks of NICU. It was Thanksgiving day. The very next day my sister could have died from complications. She had to have a hysterectomy at a young and tender age...and very vulnerable time and emotion. Her babies were finally home...and now they have no mother to tend to them. Sheri had a full three month recovery ahead of her. Well, that is where Jake stepped in. He quit a job, school, the State of Oregon and moved here to be a full time MOMMY. Jake took care of baby twins...all of about 4 pounds each now, and their BIG sister Zoe. We all spent some time spelling him of a few diapers and feedings so he could sleep a little. We...my aunts, cousins, my kids, me.... Most often though Jake was a nervous mamma and he would wake up to check on us checking on the babies. He really has a knack for motherhood. At that time you could find Jesse living in Arizona with Suzanne because he was Natalies Manny....our brothers have always been the greatest help and support three sisters could have. Shortly after Jesse moved up to Oregon to be with Jake who had returned to live there. Jesse met and fell head over heals for Jessica. ...Nate was born and Jake took to the role of awesome Uncle to our Baby Nate! And now he continues to be a support to Jessica and Jesse with Big Boy Nate and Baby Max. Needless to say we are a tight knit group and penetrable only to anyone who loves us truly.

Thus said....we are a tight forever family.

And so...it was a Monday I think. My sister Sheri determined that she was going to go represent. My mom needed someone there to make some decisions regarding her health because she was NEVER going to get better without assistance. The hospital was obviously doing all they thought they could. But without family members present we all know hospitals only do so much. Sheri was going to brave this by herself because honestly I could not go with all I was dealing with tending to our Gavin. I went to my first day Biology class and found myself buried in school work already. One of four classes, of which would become a sole survivor by the time this all occurred. Sheri was heading down to take on care for our Mother. Our Aunt Liz, moms sister, decided to trek with her. The two of them found my mother near death upon their arrival. Sheri called me with this grave news. "She looks like a holocaust victim/survivor". "I don't think she is going to make it." My mom was literally wasting away in the care of top? physicians and nurses. It really does make a difference to have family present. Mom's nurse told me over the phone that all we could really do is be at her side. It broke my heart in more pieces because I couldn't be there. This was Tuesday and I recall that I spoke to Sheri about my mom and literally dropped to the floor in my little daughters room and cried. This is my mom. A mother is a mother no matter what condition they raise you. Every child has a desire for a mothers love and nurturing, whether it happens or not there is a feeling of want for a mother. This is my feeling. My mother did what she did with what she had. Good or bad, easy or hard, sorrow or triumph, life presents and you determine to live in the mistakes of the past or to move into a future of uncertainty with faith that you can make it what you want. That is what I have done. Left the past behind me and moved into a future determined by my choices, my forgiveness, my actions, and my desire to make all my dreams come true. I have made my relationship with my mother what it is by my choice to be happy and to seek happiness and peace with her. That is what I have gotten because it is what I have put into it. And here is my sister telling me that she doesn't believe my mother is going to make it. I did cry....I carried on in my sweet daughters arms. Clarissa holding me and telling me she is sorry about my mom. She told me it was okay to cry, and that I didn't have to be brave. I have never been so thankful or proud of my daughter. She saw me as a being, not just her mother...brave and strong...but the little girl inside of me who is learning she may lose her mother.

I am thinking at this point on that day that I just barely got my mother back in my life, and have an appreciation for her as a mother...to lose her. How sick of a joke is that? This mortality that laughs at us when we are up....knocks us down. Seriously pessimistic and full of such sorrow.

That moment passed. It was so hard to hear that she was so sick. Wednesday came and went and my mother had to decide to have a surgery that could give her the chance to live, but with what quality of life....is still to be determined. My brother then let us know that he was needing desperate prayers for his baby and wife Jessica. Baby Max hadn't moved in a couple days. They were heading to the hospital. I again found myself in desperate tears. I do try to be brave...to not cry around my own children. To make my sorrows scars in their childhood. I quietly walked toward my room...again clarissa noticed the glisten of tears in my eyes. I told her I have a head cold coming on...she rolled her eyes. [she is really good at that...rolling her eyes....and also really good at knowing when I am lying...]

Clarissa followed me into my room. I was headed to my bed...at 6pm in the evening.. Jeans and all I turned the covers down...I told her, I just need to sleep for a little bit. She says..."mamma, sit down here..." And she pats the bed. Then she says, "We are going to pray!"

I didn't have a bone to argue with her. I just obediently sat, and she began to pray. She instinctively knew all the right things to pray for. Faith....for us to Trust the Lords will, ...for Jesse, and Jessica and Baby Max....for Aunt Sheri...and her little girls home with Daddy....for Me, her Momma....to have peace and to have strength and to be comforted. For grandma, and for us to trust the doctors and to know that all would be well. Such a grown up prayer, from my beautiful little girl.

I think I am still pulling reserves from the bank of that simple profound prayer.

I didn't end up crawling into bed. That is the thing about faith and prayers. Suddenly I had the strength to move forward...and dinner was made and floors were swept and vacuumed and laundry was sorted and folded and delivered, and homework was attempted....and then I fell into bed and rested.

Jesse called to say that the Baby's heartbeat was still in arrhythmia but all was well. They would see the doctor again on Friday and Monday....and continue toward the February 8th due date. [the 8th...right?]

Anyhow, Thursday came and went....I at that point had cried myself into a FULL BLOWN head cold....

Friday was the day...Jesse called and said that Jessica's water had broken..."she thinks". LOL
They werent sure but were headed to the hospital. I smiled, laughed a little nervously...the baby would be so early....prayed and then cried some more. I also wanted to say to him..."are you sure you don't need to run to the gym first!" Inside joke: when I called him because I had been up all night contracting with Sam and NEEDED to get to the hospital and he was coming down to stay with Gavin and Clarissa when we went to have Sam he said to me, "Do I have time to go to the gym?" That STRESSFUL moment of me contracting painfully every 2 less minutes...I wanted to SMOTHER his face with a pillow and kick him in ...well, anyhow. He came down and I made it to the hospital via every pothole in the valley....to find out I was dilated to a 7 PLUS.....I really could have HURT Brian and Jesse at that moment, because of course you want to hurt and blame those closest too you when you are desperate and in childbirth. Anyhow...the joke didn't seem to present because of course I was too worried to truly laugh. And so I just prayed instead and waited for updates.

Mom went into surgery to have a feeding tube placed that Friday day and Jessica and Jesse got to meet their beautiful baby boy Maxamillion Bear Adamson. And he is beautiful!!!

When he was born the nurses and doctors worked ever so hard on his heart. They were able to shock his heart and it was in normal rhythm. It would take time....to tell...if he would be well.

Moms surgery went well and she would be recovering and then we would need to place her in a nursing facitily for rehab, potential recovery, potential comfort till end of life. This is a tough one because there are no answers. [Note: the thing wrong with mom is her stomach. Something called Gastroparesis. It is best described as there is no reason but the stomach is unable to process food and empty contents. No reason meaning no blockage, etc. It is with diabetes that you have some physical consequences like sometimes neuropathy of the hands and feet, and sometimes people lose hands and feet. Well, my mothers stomach is what she is losing, in a sense. She can no longer eat without being sick, and without nourishment she is literally wasting away....]

Also on Friday we had an appointment for Gavin. His head is NORMAL for a teenager....[and shall I brave it and say for a Pre-man...syndrome. LOL] But it is really NOT normal. We who know Gavin really well know enough to KNOW that he is not normal right now. Alot of things are different about him since the accident.

He is really difficult to get to bed...like a toddler or a teenager...actually normal.
He is stubborn about what he wants to do and when...like a toddler or a teenager....also normal.
He doesn't want to go to school...normal.
He doesn't ever make it there on time...normal.
He doesn't want to do what you ask...normal.
He then does what you asked him to do exactly....ABNORMAL.
He hardly has an appetite....ABNORMAL...has lost at least 5 pounds by my count...:(
[we are saving a little on our food bill...TOTALLY NOT WORTH THE SAVINGS]

I just want all the normal things about Gavin back.

The brain clinic told us that it will just take time. The tests that they did told us that Gavin is really normal for having a Mild Traumatic Brain Injury. They gave us information about a support group to help us to cope with all the normal things about having a brain injury....

He tested at a .23 on their scale....and with brain injuries in sports, ie...they work with the University Football players all the way to aerialist skiers...like Gavin...to gymnasts, to victims of head traumas to strokes.....the whole gamut. The low score that they work from is a .20.....Gavin is barely above that. So ...we have a LONG road ahead of us. The tricky thing is that he can't do any of the things he really loves. He can't do all the active sports which activity is one of the main ways to heal the brain...activity and rest....It is really a frustrating thing to deal with.

Although here is where I count my blessings. We have been on a rollarcoaster ride since Gavin was hurt. Ups and downs from a MRI to a CT SCAN to all sorts of appointments telling us what could be...should be...wrong ...to finding out what is. At one point we prayed he wouldn't sneeze because they thought a sneeze would make him a quadriplegic. Imagine those days...just days ago for us.

The weekend came and went...major head cold for me to recover, getting behinder by the minutes but realizing that the most important things in life are not task oriented. Not dishes and laundry and homework and such...but moments with the ones you love, the ones who love you back. I spent time just coping. My family is great, my kids are turning out like my siblings, loving and supportive of one another, and of me, and their daddy. We just make it together. And it is wonderful. I kept trying to keep up with things and found myself a little more behind.

Jesse let us know that Max's heart was out of rhythem again. They were introducing medications to him...trying anything and everything. He was then transferred to a Health and Science Research Hospital. This heart thing is tricky and not something that you can just get over...and not something that is seen in babies very often. So it really became a trick of trial and error. We prayed for more trial and less error.

Monday came and Sheri had been down with Mom recovering alone since Saturday. Aunt Liz had headed home...Sheri was going to be on her way and we were trying to decide what the next course of action was. This is so weird. I am not even 40 yet...and my mom was headed to a Nursing Home. Seriously?

Also occuring was complications with our Baby Max. His heart would not settle down. It was beating as fast as 280. He had been transferred to the hospital with his mamma, sweet Jessica. I think of Jessica recovering from her birthing and trying to attend to this baby and hoping for his health and for all to be well. Begging and pleading for her babys life. I can truly not imagine all she was going through. I could hear it in my brothers voice as he would check in and plead for prayers. He was so afraid and so torn. His concerns for his Baby and for his Wife and also for Big Brother Nate who had come down with a cold. Jesse felt he was pulled in so many ways and needing to ...WANTING to take care of all of them. Jesse is so strong and so amazing and full of strength and faith. I just kept pleading that he would find peace and comfort and answers to all they were facing. I was thankful that Jake was there with him, to give him support and comfort and strength from us all.

In the meantime Suzie and I would talk constantly. Both of us feeling so helpless and hopeful. Suzie said, "well I am just here worrying about all the things I can't do anything about"...i add worrying and praying...because that is all you can do at times like these.

Sheri called, she was going to head home Tuesday or Wednesday but she was at the mercy of doctors information. She was a rock of strength and patience. As far as I am concerned she is a hero. She was strong and there on behalf of all of us. Carrying the burdens of making decisions and of being away from her family, and being a strength and support to our Mother. I really think she is a HERO...although she just brushes that off, which is the sign of a TRUE HERO. I love you sister.

She called me Tuesday and we talked about decision making. At this point I had found a place, a room...if you will...in the Inn....the Heritage Care Center. A hospital refurbished to give life to the end of life patients. My mom would be coming to a care center, the hospital she gave me life, my birth...would be where we delivered her. Sheri wondered if I could come down and drive back with her cargoing our mother to the care center. A week of me saying to Sheri...please tell me what I can do to help, feeling so helpless. She needed me to come. I was only a day over my cold and of course I would come.

I felt that I was blessed to be well enough. It would do no good for me to bring her and our Mother a serious head cold. So that was truly another gratitude moment.

I had Brian drop me off to take a shuttle ride to St. George to meet my sister and to carriage our Mother back.

For FOUR hours I sat in the very shuttle that my Mother had ridden in four times this past year. We had brought her to visit around Easter and it was a delightful visit. So much that we asked her to come back when I had my hysterectomy so that she could help to tend to the kids. Brian commented after those months that she lived with us that she had done all that we asked of her in taking care of the things that I couldn't when I couldn't and we so appreciated her help. We also learned and grew in our relationships. New things were presented and we worked through them. I learned life is full of trials and families are the background for all we are ever going to learn and grow from. We have to be patient with ourselves and with others and we have a grand reward in time.

Well...Wednesday came and went...and when I arrived in St. George I saw the temple and honestly I think that is when the tears began. I remembered being able to sit at my dear friend Kims table and look out to the Temple and I felt like I was not alone. I texted her and told her I was passing through quickly and wish that I had thought of calling her earlier. It wasn't even an hour after we communicated that she was gifting me with a healing hug. She listened and held my hand and cried with me...well ...she let me cry a LOT. And she offered her love and friendship and to do anything I could think of that I needed...but ....the funny thing is she had already filled my cup. I just needed a friend. And a hug. And a listening ear.

I headed back to my mothers room and listened to nurses instructions. Felt at times that my legs would give out on me. Was so thankful when I looked at the nurses and said, "Uh...Sheri knows this already right???" And they said yes, and Sheri said yes....so PHEW...I could breathe. It is a LOT to know and we truly were responsible for keeping her alive to the point of the care center. PRESSURE.

Very VERY carefully we got my Mother settled into the car for a LONG drive home. She is tethered to all sorts of stuff and trying to finangle it all is well...precarious. Jesse texted Suzie who texted us to let us know they would be shocking Max's heart again...and could we all pray. And thus the drive began. Sheri driving 90...ish. [jk sheri...it was more like 80 all the way]. Me holding moms food bag as high in the car as we could. It was a toss up between keeping her warm and opening the sun roof so we could get it high enough to work. We stopped at a couple of gas stations to flush the tubes and check blood sugars. It was literally prayer that kept us going because it made no sense that she was stable for the drive. The food just wasn't working without machines. We pulled into the care center 3 hours later than they expected us, but had driven straight through. It was night, mom was weary and I am sure she felt she had BARELY made it. We felt that way too. About Nephi I looked at her and thought, "she's gone". She must have finally been resting well enough to give a peaceful countenance. I told myself I didn't want to know if we had lost her until we arrived in American Fork. I just couldn't take it there on the road. I talked with my sister....sister talk. Jesse called to say little Max's heart was shocked and the rhythm was good. I just started to cry. We both did. There was such a peaceful feeling present, of answered prayers and hopes and dreams.



Miracle after miracle. This month has been full of them. My mother is still very ill and she is recovering from her surgery and new life circumstances in the care center. We have huge decisions and stuff to face every day. This is all new to me and I truly don't know how it will all go. I will probably be writing a TON in the near future because honestly I can not imagine how I will keep up with it all or keep track of it.

Jesse and Jessica brought Baby Max home Sweet HOME last night. I haven't felt my face smile so big in a lONG loNG time. Today he texted me a sweet picture of that adorable Maxamillion....who is loved already a million zillion...and he said "little does he know I am about to scoop him up". I think he will love being scooped by such an amazing Father. I am so proud.
I imagine this cute little family of four spending a sabbath together before daddy heads back to work and I see the work of a miracle that they have this one day, one beautiful NEEDED day together at home to just BE.


And Gavin...well, that is a whole other story...and POST....of which I will have to sit and RAMBLE on later! I can't even believe there is more to be said....