things really could be worse

things
really
could
be
worse

This TRUTH has been on my mind during all the construction of the trials that we have been experiencing.

Clarification: while distressing such trials are and as such seem insurmountable
we
really
are
ok.

Definition: OK by definition has a million meanings.
It could be affirmative,
confirmative,
and in general
a classification
of a thousand random thoughts
too much to say
so I will just reply OK.

confused already?

I have been greatly pondering.
In a months time I have filled nearly an entire journal of writing.
You say if I weren't spending so much time writing I would not be so behind.
I say you are right.
However if I were not spending so much of my time writing I would be in the crazy house.


Writing is cathartic,
it's therapeutic,
and it is a source of strength
and light
in that I often work out the crazy in my head on paper
and therefore none of you have to listen to the crazy while I work through it.
I see you nodding your head...no one should have to hear all of that.

Anyhow, my last rambling never really got around to the gratitude that I feel.

And it has been on my mind.

Gratitude is so important. It really is as simple as taking a frown and turning it upside down.

Simple said,
frustrating to do.
And sometimes impossible to be done.

Those are the times that you have to find some essence of faith that this work or trial is really given for a grander purpose than anyone on earth can understand
and therefore the only option is to cheerfully endure.

On my refrigerator I have the saying,

"think of the alternative".

That is what I am doing right now.


I spoke with my brother Jesse yesterday. Our Baby MAX is growing, gaining weight, and the doctor said he looked good. They were headed to the hospital to monitor his heart. His converted heart....remember that is what they HOPED would happen. The procedure was to convert his heart and pray it would stay converted and he would be able to go home. And we all prayed and hoped, pleaded and even begged [i am not opposed to BEGGING]. His heart converted and the rhythm was sound enough that he was able to go home. He has medications, and monitoring, and wonderful watchful parents, and we have hope and faith and trust that all will be well.

Yet, as challenges arise they will be faced. Because MAX is worth it.
He is wonderful and has potential and snuggly. Sometimes I find myself scrolling thru the pictures on my phone and it is as if I can smell heaven.
He is truly heaven scent.

We already love him completely.
I feel so blessed, so thankful and I know
things really could be worse!

That is the point right there.
Things could be worse.

And yet, they aren't. Although the trial was tremendous.
Although it was not easy to face,
the worry, the trepidation,
the fears we had,
the tears we cried.
The conversations,

Suzie said to me,
"Well, I am here to worry
about all the things
I can't do anything about!"

.the prayers...

And we did.
We all worried, and cried, and prayed.
And things are what they are.
And things could have been worse,
could be worse.

Max has a long road to recovery,
to whole health for his heart.
But he is with us.

Trust me, I looked up all the stuff I could find,
WORRIES brought to me by the gift of information at your fingertips, AKA Internet...

AND THINGS REALLY COULD BE WORSE.

There are a LOT of problems baby's hearts could have.
[to save you from the worry I wont mention them,
however I feel blessed to know
what Max's heart
concerns are
and to think of the alternative
I feel thankful.]

And then you have the condition of my mothers health.
Still I say: things really could be worse.

This is such a sadness. I can promise that the many thoughts and feelings I have right now should remain privately written in my personal journal. Simply said, I wish I could change things. Today mom is feeling a little better. Sheri kindly texted me YIPEE, she is a little stronger today.

I am certain being in a nursing home
at the age of 65
was not on her bucket list.

It is not even on my kick the bucket list....

What a blessing for her to feel a little better...
Aging is not looking like a pretty picture to me.

This experience makes me think of
the choices I make today determine
the choices I can make tomorrow.

...enough said.

And finally considering the effect of Gavin's Traumatic Brain Injury. I ask and ask and ask him...How are you? How do you feel? What are you thinking? Do you need anything? Can I help you? His answers are all the say. I am good, I am fine, I am okay. Nope, don't need anything....not hungry....and the classic, "doin good mamma".

I finally pleaded with him, "gav, are you really going to be okay?"

I will never forget that heart wrenching moment.
my mind flooded
...all the questions....all the doctor appointments ....hearing the same answer...
"brain injuries are tricky, they are hard to recover, they take time, you really wont know the full extent of injury for a long time, depression, anxiety, impatience, anger, frustration....confusing, all normal...."
NORMAL?
I say they are all symptoms of being a classic teenager. [smile]
But what I can't smile about is the look in my sons eyes.
He is there and then he is not.
A glimmer of love and hope and then back to the distance.
Normal they tell me.
Give it time.
Time is an AWFUL thing to have on your side when all you can do is WAIT IT OUT. No one can tell you what the OUTCOME will be. So it takes patience and faith and fortitude....and then you still have to WAIT and SEE.

Well, when I asked Gavin if he was really going to be okay,
if he felt like he was getting better,

he responded,
"Mom, I don't know what I was like before."

He talked about feeling different,
and how he didn't know if he was going
to be the Gavin we remember
because he can't remember
what he was like before.
[sniff, sniff]

This is the one I am struggling with.
I know that THINGS REALLY COULD BE WORSE....

And yes I have thought through all the HOW COULD THINGS BE WORSE scenarios.
That is ALL I HAVE BEEN DOING for a month.

I have been to four different doctors with him, all addressing different aspects of this injury. All telling us the WAYS things could be worse.

He could be a quadriplegic.
He could be in a coma.
He could be dead.

All said a LOT more technically and in about a million creative ways, of which I will spare myself the tears remembering and writing AGAIN.

Simply complex:

It is hard to watch your
vibrant
brilliant
capable
child
wither.

Certainly things really could be worse.

sigh :'/

Don't take this wrong...I am really very thankful and counting my blessings because as I do it puts life into a perspective that I can remain functioning and cheerful. I do have my sense of humor in tact and less tactfully joke a little about the circumstances we have been facing. I am certain some think I am crazy when I say the things I say....I am coping.


I wish these were the only trial....

yet, lastly I am grieving. A loss of love and friendship that is leaving a hole in my heart and our family. This silence is killing me softly....[hum the tune]...and yet I trust and believe that we are approaching the horizon. I thought today that I really don't know how I can keep this pace, I see rest in my distance and as I approach it we pick up a new trial along the way....I look up and there AGAIN in the distance, as if out of reach, is REST.

There is no rest for the weary....right?

But there is trust, and hope, and humor, and rainbows along the way. I am focusing on the fact that things really could be worse, and this TRUTH is getting me through the hardest part of each piece.