i think i can, i think i can

i went back to 2006 last night....read some journal entries i blogged.
this one got me thinking i should journal a little more simply, as in days gone by.  


this post: my last FIRST day of kindergarten (september 2006)

...awwww, my heart :')

First day of Kindergarten for my youngest son!
I cried my eyes out (after I dropped him off, of course).
He was crying and holding me so tight, like a little monkey.
I couldn’t let go of him.
It really was breaking my heart.

Thank goodness for kissing hands (from a children’s story),

and teachers'

who can take your child’s hand from yours

when you can’t let go yourself.

the power and meaning behind this simple journal entry got me thinking:

"i am really making things harder than they are to record".

I set these standards that I need to blog in ORDER...so if I am behind...I will never catch up.  By the simplest strategy I am so far behind right now on life events that it doesn't make sense to even try.

  (discouraging at best)

Anyhow...since I am really

the only one who knows

 the standards

by which I set myself

why does it really matter?

Who knows? 

Part of my insanity I suppose. 

Anyhow, it an effort to simplify life and be a bit kinder to myself....I am journaling this today, simply:

i can not stop the tears from falling....today.  Just took a final for one of my classes.  I went into the final with an A in the class...another standard I set for myself - - - PERFECTION - - - ....i got a perfect D.  yep....66%....

Yay me.  I guess this proves that studying really is helpful. 

Yet, point is how I feel.
is it really all that important to strive for perfection....

?

okay....and maybe this too:

I have been thinking--- 

(in true Facebook form...what's on my mind)

It is a paradoxical

but profoundly true

 and important principle of life

 that the most likely way to reach a goal

 is to be aiming not at that goal itself

but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.

- Arnold Joseph Toynbee

We tend to set such high standards for ourselves and then judge what we achieve by the level in which we expect to succeed.  It is ridiculous.

Will it really be the end of the world if I get a B in a class?  If my kids get a B...or a C....even a D for that matter --- it does not change my love for them.  I still think they are simply PERFECT.  I should be so kind to myself.

I have also been thinking of giving up school. 

Jer told me I should get a blessing from daddy...and gavin (apparently I have not explained well enough to him that the priesthood level of giving blessings doesn't begin till Elder...ha.  However now is as good of an opportunity to teach that concept!  I think it is sweet that he things his big brother is so BIG.  And Gavin will be 18 in September so it did get me thinking of all the new adventures we have just around the corner:) 

A blessing would have helped.

I spent yesterday with my wonderful Grandfather, and my sweet Auntie! ♥, ...and my darling children.  It was a great moment of perspective, the things that matter most.  I was able to set aside some of my stress, and just enjoy.  I enjoyed the day..., and thought a LOT about the roles they play in my life, I am so blessed.

My Auntie....what a treasure to me that she is.  She listens, and she talks to me, and she makes me feel like I am a person of value.  Someone who can be trusted, someone who has sense (especially when I feel insane), someone who is sensable; when she is going through things she listens to my perspectives, my concerns, my love. 

She shared a wonderful treasure with my son,

and yesterday was a celebration

 of what he has been able to accomplish because of her gift. 

I have yet to publically write my gratitude for her selfless act of love,

 indeed a treasure---

I am abundantly thankful

and blessed to have experienced

this gift she gave.

My GRANDfather!  Need I say more....he listened to me.  I downloaded the weight of my cares and he heard it all.  What I love MOST is that he gave me NO ADVICE!!!!  He just listened, and I am sure that he included my troubles in his prayers which I faithfully believe will help me to know what to do.

I seem to be stressing so much lately that I am NOT at all a nice person to the people I should be the nicest too.

 ya...that would be my children and Brian

- who suffer the brunt of my impatience

 and frustration when times get tough.

Treat them better--it is a worthy goal, and something I need to work on.  I determined that yesterday....and mistakes already made today as I lost my patience with kids this morning....feeling the pressure of my final exams and all. (no excuses, i know)

I got some input from my kids:

"Why are you so negative?"

and  --- "You always complain!" [ahem...whine]

(and some tidbit about my swearing...which I need to work on -

- apparently my kids youth church leaders

are teaching them that swearing is a bad thing.  great!)

I do complain alot.

....and I have a tendency to be negative....pessimistic about myself mostly.

Pitiful!

And the swearing....well, I do need to work on that a little.

I have a lot of thinking to do.....besides the papers that I need to get writing today, and my final FINAL on Wednesday that I need to be studying for.....ya....thinking...thinking....i think i can, i think i can.

i can do it! right?