i eye spy

oh boy...oh girl...friend!

...sitting in a tree...

and a "ride" to the sev.

dear child --

it's late.

and as i tucked the kids into bed tonight one of them had left their letter journal for me, under my pillow, with a letter.

probably my favorite parenting thing to do is to read their letters and write them back. we each have a journal where we write letters between mom and dad and said child.

they write us things that might be hard to say out loud, or stuff about their day.

sometimes fun...sometimes sorrowful.

but always wonderful.

we write them back.

the letter written tonight was to me.

summarized it was something like: hey mom...it's been a while since i wrote you back. love you. my teacher isn't very nice to me...well actually what happened was that i didn't feel well, and i said, teacher "my tummy hurts" and she said back to me "i don't care". then someone else in my class said the same thing and she let her call her mommy and she went home. the letter ends with this: "I feel so loved by my teacher. :(" love, child

you can imagine how i feel reading this. :(

Well...I endeavor to kiss the owie...rhetorically.

Pen to paper I write back.

I realize as I am writing that I am pouring my soul onto paper.

As if this is my last testament, all I believe, and all I hope is true about life ...onto the pages of my child's letter journal.

At some point I realize that I am writing this more for me...than for said child.

Said child will not likely appreciate all the WORDS that I put on these 15 pages of said child's letter journal....well...maybe ever.

But I feel better.

I hope that this child doesn't tire of reading all I have written....more I hope that said child writes me back.

...ya never know but this may scar this child and I may never find this letter journal tucked under my pillow at bedtime again.

Anyhow....I decided that I needed to write this letter to myself.

And since my arthritic callouses are at boiling from putting pen to paper, I am here typing this.

Read it or not...I am really writing this to me now.

Verbatim!

dear child , I love you - just the way you are. (actually I wish that part was true. I am my biggest critic. If anyone thinks they think less of me than I do myself --- I could likely prove them wrong. That is something I am working on...)

back to the letter:

I wouldn't change a thing about you. (hmmmmm....this letter may become the annotated version...I am currently trying to change me.)

i go on:

...not one thing! You are simply wonderful --- FUN, funny, sweet, and I love being your mom. I am sad to hear you had a ROUGH day at school.

I wish that nothing and no one in this whole world hurt your feelings.

What a perfectly wonderful thought -- if people could just always be nice to each other -- and be sensitive to feelings.

BUT - ...we live in an imperfect world perfectly created by our Heavenly Father for us to learn....to grow.

Probably what we forget sometimes is that everything that happens to us happens because our Heavenly Father gave every human being agency.

Agency allows us to make good and bad choices - and we hurt one another - and we are hurt sometimes by them.

When we are hurt or angry we have the same agency to decide how we react.

We can immediately be forgiving (and try to forget it) --- which makes it possible for the Savior to take over the hurt. And he really does, child -- when we really CHOOSE to forgive with our whole heart and our mind --- it is then that the Atonement can work for us, within us.

It doesn't change what happened to us -- but we can really feel better.

The hurt doesn't hurt as much.

---and sometimes by being pleasant to others even when they hurt us...well, it can change the way the other person treats us.

Remember --- every child, every person, everyone you meet --- EVEN the mean people... we are ALL children of God.

He loves everyone.

He is not always happy with our choices --- but he is our Father...and HE LOVES US ALL.

Now --- I have written a lot --- because I have learned so much already in my life. Both at times when others have hurt me --- being sad, feeling alone and picked on and even worthless at times... and the only way I have EVER felt better is when I believe this truth. This truth: THAT HE LOVES ME. That He knows when I feel all these things. ...and if I am humble enough and think to pray and to be patient and to forgive --- then I always feel the comfort and peace that Heavenly Father has promised to us all. I don't always feel it immediately....but I know it will come.

With patience.

With my effort, and in His time.

His time, child, is the time that He knows is best for us.

Sometimes I think He knows that I get busy and forget to check in with Him when things are all perfect and happy. I think He takes His time because He knows that when we need Him most we draw near to Him and since He wants us close to him....He misses us....His time and will is to keep us needing Him, in prayer and in our efforts to plead with Him to help us. So....pray and trust Him and allow Him His time with you to heal you.

I love the sacrament every Sunday because I think of all this stuff.

I love to listen to the prayers... and to believe that if I ALWAYS REMEMBER HIM our Savior --- Jesus...my brother and your brother too, ...if I always Remember Him --- and try my best to keep His commandments --that He promises His Spirit will always be with me --- and with you. Even when you feel sick -- or sad -- or lonely -- or hurt -- or angry -- or just need a little help to do better HE CARES HE UNDERSTANDS

I think that knowing this helps me to be a happier mother.

A happier mother :) because I NEVER want anything to hurt you,

but I know that if something does that He will make it all okay.

The owes that I can not fix...well...He will.

The boo boo's and mistakes that I can not kiss better....He will heal them.

And...He will comfort you.

And He is always with you --- in this BIG and sometimes scary world

---YOU are NEVER alone.

He is just a thought and a prayer away.

Please teach yourself to think of Him.

Make it your immediate thought to say a prayer and let Him be your constant companion.

In everything you do...and in everything anyone does that causes you sorrow....turn to Him and I know that even while things will never be easy....those very things are the stuff that will make you stronger and bring you closer to him.

Actually I believe that you are already strong...and it is those things that remind you of that strength within you.

Depend on this truth, child -- and you will find that it is certain that "all the strength you will ever need is within you now -- it was put there by your creator (Heavenly Father) who knew well what you would face in this life and He made you equal to it".

You are much sronger than ANY trial you will ever face.

He promised that we would never experience anything that he didn't already prepare a way for us to over come it. (1 Nephi CH 3 V 7) "I will go and do the things that the Lord commanded me...for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments to the children of men, save He shall prepareth a way for them that they may do that thing which He hath commanded them."

In commandments and in life trials,

sorrows,

pains

and even Joy

...He has provided a way for us already

...if we will but trust Him.

(even in school...with bullys...and sometimes insensitive teachers...even then)

I love you, child ---

and I will always kiss the boo boo's

...and I will pray for the sad

---and the happy times---

in your life.

For all your experiences, I pray.

I will hug you when you are sad,

and I will hold you when you cry...

and I will let you hold me right back --

because when you are hurt...

something in me hurts too.

I am excited for you to discover your own greatness.

It is fun to see you grow. ...knowing that Heavenly Father knows exactly how wonderful you will become.

Remember this life is a test ---

and because we are here to be tested --

to see if we will be faithful in all things --

and do all He has commanded us to ---

and if we will trust His will, and make His will ours too --

...this test is just like the ones you take in school...

The teacher stays in the room --- and while she can not give you the answers, and she has to be quiet --- sometimes she can help you remember what you already know. And she can assure you that you can believe in you.

Well, Heavenly Father is like our greatest most perfect teacher EVER!

While we are being tested...He believes in us.

And He can prompt us to remember.

He encourages us, and will always assure us that we can do it!

He knows we can.

He wants us to believe we can too!

So hang in there --- we are all taking the same test.

Child, I am SO very thankful you are a part of my life --

what a treasure to be your mom.

You are precious.

You make me smile -- and you give me Happiness!!!

I am thankful Heavenly Father trusted me to be your Mother here on earth. It makes my test a little easier...to have a friend sitting beside me.

...to have such JOY in my life because of you and because of your siblings and because of your daddy.

How spoiled am I! [insert heart here]

We are so blessed!

Remember your reactions to others choices is the only thing you can control.

You are in charge of passing your test!

And you can not cheat off of anyone.

It is yours to do, but you are not alone, never alone.

You help others by your example of being pleasant

and happy

cheerful

and forgiving

and treating every day like an adventure.

Life wont be easy but it sure is worth it ---to be here together ---in the same class! :)

I hope we earn the privilege, the degree ;) ...of being an eternal family.

That, my child, makes every hard thing you and I have to experience during this test WORTH IT!!!

I love you! Now --- go grow up and be HAPPY.

Be kind to others --- you never know what they might be going through as they take their test.

My prayer is you will remember all this things ---

...and that I will remember them too.

love, mom

i think i can, i think i can

i went back to 2006 last night....read some journal entries i blogged.
this one got me thinking i should journal a little more simply, as in days gone by.  


this post: my last FIRST day of kindergarten (september 2006)

...awwww, my heart :')

First day of Kindergarten for my youngest son!
I cried my eyes out (after I dropped him off, of course).
He was crying and holding me so tight, like a little monkey.
I couldn’t let go of him.
It really was breaking my heart.

Thank goodness for kissing hands (from a children’s story),

and teachers'

who can take your child’s hand from yours

when you can’t let go yourself.

the power and meaning behind this simple journal entry got me thinking:

"i am really making things harder than they are to record".

I set these standards that I need to blog in ORDER...so if I am behind...I will never catch up.  By the simplest strategy I am so far behind right now on life events that it doesn't make sense to even try.

  (discouraging at best)

Anyhow...since I am really

the only one who knows

 the standards

by which I set myself

why does it really matter?

Who knows? 

Part of my insanity I suppose. 

Anyhow, it an effort to simplify life and be a bit kinder to myself....I am journaling this today, simply:

i can not stop the tears from falling....today.  Just took a final for one of my classes.  I went into the final with an A in the class...another standard I set for myself - - - PERFECTION - - - ....i got a perfect D.  yep....66%....

Yay me.  I guess this proves that studying really is helpful. 

Yet, point is how I feel.
is it really all that important to strive for perfection....

?

okay....and maybe this too:

I have been thinking--- 

(in true Facebook form...what's on my mind)

It is a paradoxical

but profoundly true

 and important principle of life

 that the most likely way to reach a goal

 is to be aiming not at that goal itself

but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.

- Arnold Joseph Toynbee

We tend to set such high standards for ourselves and then judge what we achieve by the level in which we expect to succeed.  It is ridiculous.

Will it really be the end of the world if I get a B in a class?  If my kids get a B...or a C....even a D for that matter --- it does not change my love for them.  I still think they are simply PERFECT.  I should be so kind to myself.

I have also been thinking of giving up school. 

Jer told me I should get a blessing from daddy...and gavin (apparently I have not explained well enough to him that the priesthood level of giving blessings doesn't begin till Elder...ha.  However now is as good of an opportunity to teach that concept!  I think it is sweet that he things his big brother is so BIG.  And Gavin will be 18 in September so it did get me thinking of all the new adventures we have just around the corner:) 

A blessing would have helped.

I spent yesterday with my wonderful Grandfather, and my sweet Auntie! ♥, ...and my darling children.  It was a great moment of perspective, the things that matter most.  I was able to set aside some of my stress, and just enjoy.  I enjoyed the day..., and thought a LOT about the roles they play in my life, I am so blessed.

My Auntie....what a treasure to me that she is.  She listens, and she talks to me, and she makes me feel like I am a person of value.  Someone who can be trusted, someone who has sense (especially when I feel insane), someone who is sensable; when she is going through things she listens to my perspectives, my concerns, my love. 

She shared a wonderful treasure with my son,

and yesterday was a celebration

 of what he has been able to accomplish because of her gift. 

I have yet to publically write my gratitude for her selfless act of love,

 indeed a treasure---

I am abundantly thankful

and blessed to have experienced

this gift she gave.

My GRANDfather!  Need I say more....he listened to me.  I downloaded the weight of my cares and he heard it all.  What I love MOST is that he gave me NO ADVICE!!!!  He just listened, and I am sure that he included my troubles in his prayers which I faithfully believe will help me to know what to do.

I seem to be stressing so much lately that I am NOT at all a nice person to the people I should be the nicest too.

 ya...that would be my children and Brian

- who suffer the brunt of my impatience

 and frustration when times get tough.

Treat them better--it is a worthy goal, and something I need to work on.  I determined that yesterday....and mistakes already made today as I lost my patience with kids this morning....feeling the pressure of my final exams and all. (no excuses, i know)

I got some input from my kids:

"Why are you so negative?"

and  --- "You always complain!" [ahem...whine]

(and some tidbit about my swearing...which I need to work on -

- apparently my kids youth church leaders

are teaching them that swearing is a bad thing.  great!)

I do complain alot.

....and I have a tendency to be negative....pessimistic about myself mostly.

Pitiful!

And the swearing....well, I do need to work on that a little.

I have a lot of thinking to do.....besides the papers that I need to get writing today, and my final FINAL on Wednesday that I need to be studying for.....ya....thinking...thinking....i think i can, i think i can.

i can do it! right?