shattered and obliterated... and a few random picks!

Life has been such a blizzard of late, and the storms don't seem to be letting up. Really all is well....all may not be swell, but all is well, [thanks to LeShel for loaning me this thought....I love her positive outlook even in the midst of trials.] I have been thinking of the path we are on and what may just be around the bend. I know it has to be something necessary for my growth, for our growth and for the strength of our family. I think of how important it is to just keep moving forward, obeying the rules of the road and at some point you reach your destination. I ponder this picture and see the beauty on the journey and wonder how much I am missing as I travel along.

I think of my dear Foster Momma, Joan Tidwell...she met her maker at Mile 191, and I sometimes feel that I am at my Mile 191 and wonder what will be my destiny from here. It is in my hands and the will of the Lord, but I have the faith that He will give me nothing more to endure than I have already been given the strength to do. All will be well.

That said I weep, a lot. I look forward to each healing hug and cheerful countenance of those angels sent to buoy me up during this time. The Lord has indeed made many hands do His will in my life and I am feeling blessed by those who have heard his council and served me so well. I feel I have not been forgotten. Sincerely thank you.....

So, the truth:
It's not that I am so desperately falling apart....but yes, it is probably a good thing I don't have much time to blog. I am three quarters through my second journal this year...so writing is not the issue, it's being brave enough to share what is really going on in my mind and heart. All is well.....just all is not SWELL. However I am growing and the pain of growing is always something hard to endure. So ....forgive that I don't really share what is on my mind.

We have had some really really wonderful days and moments, and many many blessings and miracles amidst the trials and tribulation of the last few months. There are parts of the pain I will probably never share....however I do wonder how much of what I am going through did I bring upon myself. I go back to summer...I made a judgment, a mistake...and it haunts me to know that I may be learning the hardest lesson I have ever experienced. Not that this is the hardest part of my life. Surely there have been enough moments and trials. But this is growing something in me that can only turn out really good in the long run. Still, I am sorry for those who were hurt and wonder if I can ever be part of the healing, or maybe I just need to trust in the Atonement to cover the expense.

Well, enough of that. I wish I had more time to tell all that is in my heart. We are more busy than I have ever been in my life, my parenthood, my companionship with Brian....we just celebrated EIGHTEEN years of bliss, wonderful blessed BLISS. And we are still happily ever after....he is my prince, my amazing, my better part. I love him so dearly!!!

Happy Anniversary to the man who was
made for me! A match made in Heaven for sure.
Yes, I am really as HAPPY
as I look to feel in this picture!

Thank you Mr. B for being my knight in shining armor,
thank you for being my peace, my serenity,
for helping me to believe there is a God who loves us,
because you have loved me so much!
And thanks for wearing that amazing cologne
which makes your coming home to me each night
the thing I look most forward to each day.
For your hugs that melt away the sorrows, and trials of each day,
and for listening as I ramble about each detail,
and for sharing all the glorious parts of parenthood.

Motherhood is the GREATEST calling....
thanks for giving me that GREATEST gift,
that keeps on giving....

This pictures makes me SMILE!

A reflection of the FUN we have as a family!
We are a HAPPY FAMILY!!!
and I feel truly blessed!!!
[and i am not only speaking of the blind reflection
coming from the top of my hubbys head!!!!]
Although that is the part that makes me smile!

HAPPY HAPPY FOREVER FAMILY
ANNIVERSARY!!!
18 glorious years.....and eternity to come!

i ponder this...

the day last fall when i took a walk with Jeremy.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is letting your kids grow up. Jeremy naturally took my hand as we began to cross the street. Unbeknown to him I snapped this shot of our shadows.....unbeknown to me this moment would be in the shadows....he is growing up. As we crossed the street, his hand in mine, I noticed just how big his hands had gotten, ...he was no longer really little.
About half way across the street ....he let go.
And a tear wept down my cheek.
I have to let him grow up too....it really is not fair.

A mother holds her child's hand for a while....
their hearts forever.

A few days later I was rocking him in my rocking chair.
Something I make him let me do....
and he humors me.

He said...."mamma, your heart still beeps
the same as when I was inside you."

He knows my heart....because he heard it from the inside.
He knows my heart loves him forever....for always.

And then I begin to think about loss...

I miss Grandpa Lawrence.
I miss Dad.
I loved him with my whole heart.
Losing him ...i lost a piece of me.

I weep in his pillow often,
and I think of all he means to our family.
I wonder if he looks down with a broken heart to see the
contention that comes from trials in families.
I know he prays, as I pray, for peace and healing.
I hope we don't disappoint him.

I miss my Grandma too. Losing her it seems left a hole in my heart that I wonder will ever be healed. She loved me I know....and she is as feisty as they come. I am thankful to know that she is there to petition for me.....I think she would be disappointed in some of my decisions here on earth....I hope that I can make her proud...and truly Return with Honor.


Finally.....I miss my mom....already.

3 o'clock rolls around everyday....no matter me trying to avoid it. That is when I would call her...she would ask about the kids, my day....listen to me laugh, or cry....and even complain. She would always have something positive to say. I think she spent time looking up tidbits of positive attitude statements to combat anything I was experiencing...she let me lean on her....talk her ear off, and as soon as I had to go she cheerfully said "goodbye for now...." until tomorrow....for then we would start up right where we left off.

My mom had changed over the years....or maybe I grew up, and understood her better, and possibly it was letting go of anger and blame, and just choosing to see her the way God sees us all. With love, compassion, forgiveness, and tolerance. With patience and with appreciation. It blessed me....and I am thankful! ♥

mom...may she rest...

My mom....she has become my friend.
I have worked hard and long through what a child needs to understand her,
and I have come to know her as a person.
A daughter of God,
just like me.
She had challenges,
trials;
things no one really knows about her life
discovered as I worked with her to write her history earlier last year.

a treasure I will always be thankful for. I am thankful for the conversations we have had and for the way we have come to know, respect, and love one another. She really isn't that different from any of us. She has had her hard times, she has desired to improve, she has a heart bigger than most....and she has few possessions left in her life....because she would give the very shirt off her back...or her last meal...to another in need. My mom has been greatly misunderstood.

She made mistakes, so have I.
She hurt others....even me....as have I.
She has asked forgiveness....and by me it has been granted.

I do love her and the power of forgiveness is real, it can heal a broken heart.

I have a new broken shattered and obliterated heart...
as I have come to know her....I now have to accept that I have to let her go.
Yes, all will be well.
please, Pray for God's will.

Still trying to be brave....

...isn't she beautiful!

And so for our Anniversary weekend
we packed up the kids,
spent a truly delightful few days gathering all
she has left in the world.
The THINGS that don't matter....
like what she really has.
Her legacy of her children,
AMAZING every one!!!

♥
I hope my kids can grow up SMILING as much as we do!
♥
.sheri, jake, suzie, jesse, stacie.

...there will always be the good times!!!
there will be teddy bear picnics.....
...

When Sheri and I picked Mom up from St. George to bring her closer to family we spent a bit of time at the Ranch Mom has been living, with her friend Dagmar, and her animals, Chloe [the horse], Breeze and Nakoa and Leo [the dogs], and Baily Sue...her cat. Leo looked so longing....I promised him I would be back for him.

While we were packing up moms things....Leo knew. He hopped up in the UHAUL, and lay down....I knew he was telling me to keep my promise.

"don't forget me"

from Ivins....with care

sam, clarissa, dagmar
jeremy and leo

...and home, so I should be studying Biology for my test Monday...
but who can study with all this [and MORE]
on my mind! :(

like me...Leo misses Mom....
he seems to want to be held,
always by me,
always....

...[wow, my face is red.
and Leo's eyes are weepy ...
crying will do that....boo :( ]

it's true...I need him too. ♥
[his eyes seem to weep as much as mine...
we understand each other.]

...WHY the UHAUL we got had to say this???....hmmmmm

well...i suppose I should end this rambling....

The flower that blooms
in adversity
is the most beautiful
one of all.

like this flower...
adversity sometimes feels
like CONCRETE
and yet,
we can BLOOM! ♥

ps: i need an editor...i can blog this,
but as for the mistakes...
i am okay with not being perfect for now ")

pss: Gavin is feeling much better.
quote today:
"Mom, I don't know how to explain it
but I don't feel different anymore!!!"

YIPEE!!!