be stacie

i wish i could dazzle you with my fanciness but i just don't have it in me these days.

when i am inspired i think about writing,
about reflecting on some wisdom,
some gratitude or appreciation,
some wit...and then i remember...

i don't write anymore.
i don't really blog much these days.
it's kind of depressing.

but i am healing
and i am to the point
where pulling off the bandaid
makes sense
and being back to myself again.
a better self. a renewed me.


someone told me recently
that they forgive me
for a mistake i made.

a terrible terrible mistake.
she told me to just be stacie.
i thought to myself afterwards,
'what does it mean to be stacie?'

she actually said it as if it were a good thing.
i couldn't imagine
that there was anything good
about it at the time,

i was horrified and sad and grieving.

but as time passes and
wounds began to heal
i decided i need to figure this one out.
i keep pondering
i keep reflecting

i have no answers today as to what i have found out. i am still in the learning process. the one part that i absolutely know about being stacie is that i need to write.

like some people exercise,
..some people knit,
...some people join the circus.
to be stacie
means that i need to write.


something inside of me has felt wrong since i stopped writing.

a part of me was broken,
imprisoned

today i write.
this baby step today is me growing.
learning from my mistakes,
learning from my experiences.






i don't have a dazzling rhetoric to tell you this
but today i learned
that when a baby develops
the heart goes through many stages.

right before birth the heart has to change dramatically. if the heart does not change then it is impossible for this new little being to survive.

the heart MUST change in order to SURVIVE.

my heart has changed. drastically. today i am new. i am learning who i am in steps. 12 of them actually...one at a time, with a million more to take after that.

changing takes courage,
but i think that if we don't try than we can not survive.

a change of heart sometimes is the hardest step to take,
in fact maybe it is a combination of a hundred tiny steps...
and with each step, with hope, with faith,
that change can produce even miracles.


i have been praying a lot lately.
for a lot of unrelated reasons. for family who are really hurting right now; illnesses, circumstances, inflicted pain, LIFE...need i say more?

i have also praying for a resolve to some difficult experiences that i have faced over the past few months. ironic that these experiences are completely isolated and yet so similarly defined.

experience none the less and the growing pains may be the greatest i have ever faced.

i am praying for the unknown. what do you do when you just don't know what to do because there is nothing you can do but wait it out? pray.

praying for understanding, and for forgiveness, and patience, and strength and courage....in fact i could say there is little time for anything else...

but without works...prayer is just prayer.

in this process of prayer, lased with a tiny morsel of faith, and the beginning of works i have learned something great.

first, it is interesting that all it takes is a tiny morsel of faith.

and yet, works is entirely different.
a lot of works and a lot of prayer.

its amazing to see how hearts can change,
even my own, and healing is possible.

and in the process i might even
learn a little about myself.
and a lot about what it means to
be stacie.