Bright Eyes- At the bottom of everything (intro included)

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart - "Heart in Your Heartbreak"

She was the tear in a rainstorm
She was the promise that you would’ve sworn
And no matter what you say,
it’s never gonna come back

An ambulance goes by, and you wonder why
it never stops when you want it to
It never stops when you need it to
take you away

And your friends don’t understand that the world could end,
and it would feel no worse than this
Every thought of the look in her eye
like a cold California sky

And no matter what you pray,
It’s never gonna take the pain away
And even if she’d stay you know it’s wrong

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

sUndAy sMilEs or sOmEdAy sMiLes?

Every week whether i blog or not I check my cousin's fabulous blog for her Sunday Smiles.

You could say every week

whether I smile or not...I check her blog!

...and smile at her smiles! Anywho...

LeShel and me

Awhile back I was for a short period of time keeping up my own Sunday Smiles, because she is so RIGHT!!!! ...keeping track of smiles really can make a person feel happier....

Yesterday morning I woke up in thought(s).

I realized how much of my writing I have been keeping to myself lately, it seems most of my thoughts, random and rambling, are pretty pathetic and thus I am quite opposed to inflicting them upon any unsuspecting readers,

of which I think I have four faithful!

However, this thought had it's dichotomy and I wrote a perfect anthem in my head for this family friendly blog, and in opposition of this blogs theme, a perfect anthem for my healing/lashing/dark blog. Written in my head I went back to sleep, a restless sleep, filled and fraught with regrets and worries.

As I sat later in the day I was unable to ponder up either of those perfectly written posts. Both lost to me, and probably for the best on the latter.

However I do remember a piece of the pondering that I had regarding SMILES!

I smiled this week ....a few times, and I even laughed myself silly once. I can not remember why or what brought this on...and so I reprimand myself for allowing myself the pleasure of smiles and laughter without acknowledgement and gratitude.

This probably seems really trivial, but when life has handed you so many lemons of which you have no time to make lemonaid...and thus you have wasted the lemons, you begin to realize that wasted lemons are .....a waste.

There is so much more you could have done with what you were given.

Where much is given, much is expected.

Hindsight, and lacking in gratitude...one specific smile last week....felt so wonderful. I can remember that I was walking....and felt myself smiling and thought WOW, that feels weird. It felt weird to smile because I had not felt myself spontaneously SMILE for so long. As I said, I have laughed a little...with my siblings, with my kids...with my Brian. And a smile has has certainly creased my face from time to time...but not like this, a smile that I FELT from the inside out....

One specific SMILE...

[in retrospect I have cried, and screamed, and whined away my days.....]

This SMILE was all on my own. Something that I saw, or heard, or thought of and my cheeks turned up and my face HURT....for lack of smiling. I was using muscles that haven't been used enough lately.

Anyhow, this is really a rambling for me. ...to remember to SMILE, and to notice and acknowledge to abundance of blessings and joy that I have, even in trial and sorrow....and, of course, to make lemonaid...

Here's to recycling smiles! Thanks LeShel for inspiring! ...for the reminder to myself....

Self: on this rainy monday....there is a silver lining or a rainbow,

or a SMILE.... somewhere, someday.

fear of tears

the boys stayed home today
sam was tired,
he couldn't seem to move from the floor
he found a way to make use of what energy he had
and lay on the floor writing in his journal.
he changed the rest of the calendars
in the house to april.
march is past and gone.

he made a chain
counting the days
til Aunt Suzie,
Cece and Nat Nat return.

thoughtful boy,
looking forward to something really good.
good will come.


jeremy just didn't want to cry in class.

i slept all morning
each time i woke up weeping
it was better to be asleep
i know i wont catch up,
and i wont regret any missed sleep
what we were doing was the better part

i did go to class
big mistake
jeremy was wise
i cried in class

i came home to my boys greeting me
that was the best part
not coming home to an empty house

jeremy asked me how my class was
i told him he was wise to stay home
it is not fun to cry in class

jeremy said
"so did you check yourself
out of class?"

a little smile formed on my face,
"yes, i guess i did"

jeremy replied,
"well that's good mamma,
that way you can be with us!"

lingering in his welcome hug
i looked down upon my little boy,
and for a moment felt myself
looking up to him.

cast in STONE

still unbelievable.
my heart swells.
my ears fall deaf.
my eyes weep.
if i pretend
it isn't real.

m♥m

KATHY HANSEN

Visit Guest Book

Kathy Lynne Hansen 1945 ~ 2011 Kathy Lynne Hansen, Daughter, Sister, Mother, Aunt, Grandmother, Friend, passed away March 31, 2011 at the Orchard Care Center of Orem. Born in Provo, Utah, March 18, 1945. Raised in American Fork. Daughter of Cecil Ray and Nina Elizabeth Sykes Hansen. Spent her life as a Mother, worked as a Domestic Engineer to provide for her children. Left her children an inheritance of friendship to one another. Survived by her Father, siblings, children, and 13 grandchildren. Father; Cecil Ray Hansen, siblings; Leila (John), Elizabeth (Kim), James (Pennie), Jorge (Mary Kate), children; Sherilyn (Aaron), Stacie (Brian), Jacob, Jesse (Jessica), Suzanne (Kevin). Preceded in mortal death and welcomed to eternity by her Mother. Funeral Services will be held Monday April 4, 2011 at 2p.m. in the American Fork 27th Ward, 350 West 165 North. A viewing will be held Monday from 12:45 - 1:45 p.m. at the church prior to the services. Burial in the American Fork cemetery under the direction of Anderson & Sons Mortuary. Her Children would like to dearly THANK the Orchard Care Center for the tender loving care their Mother received at the end of her life and for the dignity and peace in her passing. Online condolences and memories may be shared at andersonmortuary.com

the many phases....er faces...

Faces of CECE!

my niece
Cecilia Elizabeth Gray. "♥ hi daddy ♥" .

...very good at multitasking...

see how she can
talk on the phone
and organize hair elastics
at the same time!

...good at making you smile...



...and letting you know
exactly how she feels!...

So many faces...so little time!!!





Life is about phases ....right?

I have been thinking that
I must be going thru a phase.

I am generally more on top of things.
I handle life...and love....and even laugh!
Lately, however,
life has handed me more lemons
than I can make lemon-aid with.
I have even tried putting some down the drain
...
my bushel continues to runneth over!
[ anyone looking for lemons give me a holler ]

Not to complain,

although I am a master at it...but SERIOUSLY!

Anyhow, I was thinking today that this is just a phase. I am not sure I want to get good at it because I certainly don't want the next phase if it is harder than this.... I am a little tapped out.



PHASE by definition is:

.noun, verb, phased, phas·ing.

–noun

1.

any of the major appearances
or aspects in which
a thing of varying modes or conditions
manifests itself to the eye or mind.

2.

a stage in a process of change or development:
Each phase of life brings its own joys.

3.

a side, aspect, or point of view:
This is only one phase of the question.

4.

a state of synchronous operation:
to put two mechanisms in phase.

[of course it is also defined in an Astronomy,
Chemistry, Physics, and a Machinery origin as well.]

...the way I see it
Phase is related to change,

in the organization of matter.

The definition that I am focused on right now is

.2.
a stage in a process of change or development:

Each phase of life brings its own joys.

I suppose soon enough
I will recognize
what???...
of this phase of my life is bringing me joy!

It seems it is a tremendously difficult stage of life, and yet the challenges are not without blessings and opportunities for growth.

I just need to realize the joy in the journey.
And that I have more strength to endure than at times I feel.

Today I had the thought that the only difference between the word fail and fall is the letter i. How many times a day do I focus on ME....I THIS ...I THAT.....I wonder if I were to let go of my control....???

I hear myself say 'Just LET GO!!!'

I certainly wish I had the faith to free fall!

That childlike belief that
no matter what you have been through
or what you might face....it's okay sometimes to let go.

Maybe this time.....you'll find your wings!!!

Phases...and faces...
--like Cecilia I have many FACES
going along with my PHASES!
Not all of them are pleasant,

and I don't get away with the screaming as well as she....
[no one seems to find me as cute??!!!!!]

...however, I am pretty good at showing my true colors

these days!

Phase is related to change.....in the organization of matter...

What MATTERS most.....is what makes the difference!
What MATTERS is that while many things CHANGE during all phases of life....what is inside is constant; FAITH based, full of HOPE, and JOY!

this STAGE in the PHASE
of my development will CHANGE me
...for the better!

.
who knows...maybe i can fly

shattered and obliterated... and a few random picks!

Life has been such a blizzard of late, and the storms don't seem to be letting up. Really all is well....all may not be swell, but all is well, [thanks to LeShel for loaning me this thought....I love her positive outlook even in the midst of trials.] I have been thinking of the path we are on and what may just be around the bend. I know it has to be something necessary for my growth, for our growth and for the strength of our family. I think of how important it is to just keep moving forward, obeying the rules of the road and at some point you reach your destination. I ponder this picture and see the beauty on the journey and wonder how much I am missing as I travel along.

I think of my dear Foster Momma, Joan Tidwell...she met her maker at Mile 191, and I sometimes feel that I am at my Mile 191 and wonder what will be my destiny from here. It is in my hands and the will of the Lord, but I have the faith that He will give me nothing more to endure than I have already been given the strength to do. All will be well.

That said I weep, a lot. I look forward to each healing hug and cheerful countenance of those angels sent to buoy me up during this time. The Lord has indeed made many hands do His will in my life and I am feeling blessed by those who have heard his council and served me so well. I feel I have not been forgotten. Sincerely thank you.....

So, the truth:
It's not that I am so desperately falling apart....but yes, it is probably a good thing I don't have much time to blog. I am three quarters through my second journal this year...so writing is not the issue, it's being brave enough to share what is really going on in my mind and heart. All is well.....just all is not SWELL. However I am growing and the pain of growing is always something hard to endure. So ....forgive that I don't really share what is on my mind.

We have had some really really wonderful days and moments, and many many blessings and miracles amidst the trials and tribulation of the last few months. There are parts of the pain I will probably never share....however I do wonder how much of what I am going through did I bring upon myself. I go back to summer...I made a judgment, a mistake...and it haunts me to know that I may be learning the hardest lesson I have ever experienced. Not that this is the hardest part of my life. Surely there have been enough moments and trials. But this is growing something in me that can only turn out really good in the long run. Still, I am sorry for those who were hurt and wonder if I can ever be part of the healing, or maybe I just need to trust in the Atonement to cover the expense.

Well, enough of that. I wish I had more time to tell all that is in my heart. We are more busy than I have ever been in my life, my parenthood, my companionship with Brian....we just celebrated EIGHTEEN years of bliss, wonderful blessed BLISS. And we are still happily ever after....he is my prince, my amazing, my better part. I love him so dearly!!!

Happy Anniversary to the man who was
made for me! A match made in Heaven for sure.
Yes, I am really as HAPPY
as I look to feel in this picture!

Thank you Mr. B for being my knight in shining armor,
thank you for being my peace, my serenity,
for helping me to believe there is a God who loves us,
because you have loved me so much!
And thanks for wearing that amazing cologne
which makes your coming home to me each night
the thing I look most forward to each day.
For your hugs that melt away the sorrows, and trials of each day,
and for listening as I ramble about each detail,
and for sharing all the glorious parts of parenthood.

Motherhood is the GREATEST calling....
thanks for giving me that GREATEST gift,
that keeps on giving....

This pictures makes me SMILE!

A reflection of the FUN we have as a family!
We are a HAPPY FAMILY!!!
and I feel truly blessed!!!
[and i am not only speaking of the blind reflection
coming from the top of my hubbys head!!!!]
Although that is the part that makes me smile!

HAPPY HAPPY FOREVER FAMILY
ANNIVERSARY!!!
18 glorious years.....and eternity to come!

i ponder this...

the day last fall when i took a walk with Jeremy.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is letting your kids grow up. Jeremy naturally took my hand as we began to cross the street. Unbeknown to him I snapped this shot of our shadows.....unbeknown to me this moment would be in the shadows....he is growing up. As we crossed the street, his hand in mine, I noticed just how big his hands had gotten, ...he was no longer really little.
About half way across the street ....he let go.
And a tear wept down my cheek.
I have to let him grow up too....it really is not fair.

A mother holds her child's hand for a while....
their hearts forever.

A few days later I was rocking him in my rocking chair.
Something I make him let me do....
and he humors me.

He said...."mamma, your heart still beeps
the same as when I was inside you."

He knows my heart....because he heard it from the inside.
He knows my heart loves him forever....for always.

And then I begin to think about loss...

I miss Grandpa Lawrence.
I miss Dad.
I loved him with my whole heart.
Losing him ...i lost a piece of me.

I weep in his pillow often,
and I think of all he means to our family.
I wonder if he looks down with a broken heart to see the
contention that comes from trials in families.
I know he prays, as I pray, for peace and healing.
I hope we don't disappoint him.

I miss my Grandma too. Losing her it seems left a hole in my heart that I wonder will ever be healed. She loved me I know....and she is as feisty as they come. I am thankful to know that she is there to petition for me.....I think she would be disappointed in some of my decisions here on earth....I hope that I can make her proud...and truly Return with Honor.


Finally.....I miss my mom....already.

3 o'clock rolls around everyday....no matter me trying to avoid it. That is when I would call her...she would ask about the kids, my day....listen to me laugh, or cry....and even complain. She would always have something positive to say. I think she spent time looking up tidbits of positive attitude statements to combat anything I was experiencing...she let me lean on her....talk her ear off, and as soon as I had to go she cheerfully said "goodbye for now...." until tomorrow....for then we would start up right where we left off.

My mom had changed over the years....or maybe I grew up, and understood her better, and possibly it was letting go of anger and blame, and just choosing to see her the way God sees us all. With love, compassion, forgiveness, and tolerance. With patience and with appreciation. It blessed me....and I am thankful! ♥

mom...may she rest...

My mom....she has become my friend.
I have worked hard and long through what a child needs to understand her,
and I have come to know her as a person.
A daughter of God,
just like me.
She had challenges,
trials;
things no one really knows about her life
discovered as I worked with her to write her history earlier last year.

a treasure I will always be thankful for. I am thankful for the conversations we have had and for the way we have come to know, respect, and love one another. She really isn't that different from any of us. She has had her hard times, she has desired to improve, she has a heart bigger than most....and she has few possessions left in her life....because she would give the very shirt off her back...or her last meal...to another in need. My mom has been greatly misunderstood.

She made mistakes, so have I.
She hurt others....even me....as have I.
She has asked forgiveness....and by me it has been granted.

I do love her and the power of forgiveness is real, it can heal a broken heart.

I have a new broken shattered and obliterated heart...
as I have come to know her....I now have to accept that I have to let her go.
Yes, all will be well.
please, Pray for God's will.

Still trying to be brave....

...isn't she beautiful!

And so for our Anniversary weekend
we packed up the kids,
spent a truly delightful few days gathering all
she has left in the world.
The THINGS that don't matter....
like what she really has.
Her legacy of her children,
AMAZING every one!!!

♥
I hope my kids can grow up SMILING as much as we do!
♥
.sheri, jake, suzie, jesse, stacie.

...there will always be the good times!!!
there will be teddy bear picnics.....
...

When Sheri and I picked Mom up from St. George to bring her closer to family we spent a bit of time at the Ranch Mom has been living, with her friend Dagmar, and her animals, Chloe [the horse], Breeze and Nakoa and Leo [the dogs], and Baily Sue...her cat. Leo looked so longing....I promised him I would be back for him.

While we were packing up moms things....Leo knew. He hopped up in the UHAUL, and lay down....I knew he was telling me to keep my promise.

"don't forget me"

from Ivins....with care

sam, clarissa, dagmar
jeremy and leo

...and home, so I should be studying Biology for my test Monday...
but who can study with all this [and MORE]
on my mind! :(

like me...Leo misses Mom....
he seems to want to be held,
always by me,
always....

...[wow, my face is red.
and Leo's eyes are weepy ...
crying will do that....boo :( ]

it's true...I need him too. ♥
[his eyes seem to weep as much as mine...
we understand each other.]

...WHY the UHAUL we got had to say this???....hmmmmm

well...i suppose I should end this rambling....

The flower that blooms
in adversity
is the most beautiful
one of all.

like this flower...
adversity sometimes feels
like CONCRETE
and yet,
we can BLOOM! ♥

ps: i need an editor...i can blog this,
but as for the mistakes...
i am okay with not being perfect for now ")

pss: Gavin is feeling much better.
quote today:
"Mom, I don't know how to explain it
but I don't feel different anymore!!!"

YIPEE!!!

i ♥ u

man boy don't need instructions, take 2

it seems i have blogged here before. hmmmm


Tuesday night driving Clarissa to piano she tells me a NEW story about boys and men and instructions...i have to share.

Clarissa is now a TA for the Phys Ed teacher at her school.
She takes dance so this experience with the Physical Education teacher that Gavin absolutely adored...abhorred...uh, which was it?

Sorry ...cant remember, but you can probably guess.

Anyhow she is TAing for her and having random experiences.

There is another boy who also TA with her. Her assignments are anything from carrying a pencil around and taking notes of things, to carrying a pencil so when said teacher gets to said destination she can sign something.

Random,
anyhow...

Tuesday she was assigned to put together a desk chair. One of those fancy desk chairs with a levy to pull and move up and down...and a twisty function.

Moving on...there were TWO of these chairs,
and conveniently TWO TA's.

Of course as it is with boys and girls I smell a competition.

Clarissa says something like,
"bet i can finish my chair first"

to which boy TA responds,
"i can do mine without instructions...." !

Familiar....man-boy dont need instructions.

So they each proceed to make their chairs.
Clarissa reading the instructions.
Man-boy NOT.

They finish at the same time. WALAAAA!

Clarissa says something to the effect of

'okay...but whose actually works.' [loosely quoted.]

Boy sits in her chair....pulls the lever...wheeeee ...it goes UP and DOWN. ...it SPINS, it TWISTS...it TWIRLS.

HIGH FIVE CLARISSA.

Clarissa sits in MAN-BOY TA don't NEED inSTruCtiOns chair.

K PLUNK.

the back falls off

i think we can forget the up and down feature
and "what twisty function?"

"KAPOW! Can you say INSTRUCTIONS?!!!"