Posts
Clarissa has been working with her Piano instructor 
2 days ago
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
WISDOM? two..th
On our way...
sweet...and pleasant
our little chipmunk 8;
BLINK BLINK
...and we're done!
sweet...and pleasant"Jamba, Jamba, Jamba"
not one...but TWO....children had their wisdom teeth out in December. (And we SqUisHed my surgery between them)....December was a party in the doctor/hospital waiting roomS!!!
Clarissa had four teeth, two impacted. Her recovery was very different, longer, more sWelliNg involved. She was as tough as always. Complained little, and laughed a lot at her own expense. The videos....of her recovery....would champion any you find on YOUTUBE.
our little chipmunk 8;
note to self: must get her to sign permission for me to post videos....seriously funny :)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
federation
for a while now.
She has opted to do competition to improve her talent!
It's hard,
and well, competitive,
and constructive.
The critisism.
[insert, nerveWRECKing]
I don't know if I could do what she is doing.
So proud of her.
I see strength,
and beauty,
and confidence,
growing out of this experience
It's never easy to recieve critisism of any kind,
but to ASK for it,
now that's character building!
Way to go Clarissa,
we really are proud of you :)
tough it out
well, thats not working well.
i have been trying to tough some things out for far too long now.
and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well, or pretty well, sometimes swell, not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects, and generally i am okay. i mean, i have an abundance of gratitude, and my attitude reflects gratitude, and happiness, and even laced with some cheerfulness. plus i am good at smiling and pasting on a happy face. i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B. really. poor people who have to hear all to many times that i don't feel good, i am stressed. i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out. yep, that sounds about right!
this diatribe is not meant to make anyone feel they have to swoop in fix anything. we don't really have anything that needs fixing. we don't need dinners, maids, therapists....haha...now I sound a little pathetic. like: relationship issues, i am fine, i don't need anything, etc...when i am really dying inside for you to read my mind and there are a billion things you could be doing differently. haha. really, that is NOT what i am intending here.
i just need to write.
writing heals me.
i have about 100 journals to prove that my writing process is cathartic, and i have years of personal social improvement to show that i do overcome.
right now just need to say it out loud.
we have been toughing it out, and where it all looks fine it really is harder than i am showing it.
so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago and started talking about how we are really doing....first in prayer, then to random people who asked "how are you?"....help arrived. in the form of peace, and interesting phone conversations, and direction to some helps that can really help us. and then prayer again, thanking Him for more blessings in abundance.
we really are going to be okay. we are pretty tough actually, and all will be well.
i have been trying to tough some things out for far too long now.
you ask:
how are you?
i reply:
i'm fine, i'm great, all is well, swell, perfect, sometimes just okay.
and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well, or pretty well, sometimes swell, not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects, and generally i am okay. i mean, i have an abundance of gratitude, and my attitude reflects gratitude, and happiness, and even laced with some cheerfulness. plus i am good at smiling and pasting on a happy face. i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B. really. poor people who have to hear all to many times that i don't feel good, i am stressed. i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out. yep, that sounds about right!
this diatribe is not meant to make anyone feel they have to swoop in fix anything. we don't really have anything that needs fixing. we don't need dinners, maids, therapists....haha...now I sound a little pathetic. like: relationship issues, i am fine, i don't need anything, etc...when i am really dying inside for you to read my mind and there are a billion things you could be doing differently. haha. really, that is NOT what i am intending here.
i just need to write.
writing heals me.
i have about 100 journals to prove that my writing process is cathartic, and i have years of personal social improvement to show that i do overcome.
right now just need to say it out loud.
we have been toughing it out, and where it all looks fine it really is harder than i am showing it.
so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago and started talking about how we are really doing....first in prayer, then to random people who asked "how are you?"....help arrived. in the form of peace, and interesting phone conversations, and direction to some helps that can really help us. and then prayer again, thanking Him for more blessings in abundance.
we really are going to be okay. we are pretty tough actually, and all will be well.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Happy Birthday Grandma- I miss U
Today is my GRANDmothers birthday. I love January ninth! I don't think much before January 9th of the end of holidays. They don't end for me until I have celebrated her birthday. Some years I have visited her, then in her passing I have had to be a little more creative in celebrating her. No matter, I always think of her. Last year I believe I visited my Grandfather, her husband and as GRAND as she. We had ice cream! Another year gave bags of clothing to the consignment store. My grandmother loved good will shopping. She loved giving to others...and getting herself a good deal! So that worked, I needed to share anyhow, so it may have served me more than another. Anyhow....it is her in my thoughts often that make me a better me. This year for her party she will celebrate with my mother. I think of them together and smile. That is my hope of heaven.
Last year I was fretting about my mother, her declining health, and my son, his head injury. This year is about moving forward. A mesh of old and new, renewed.
I began school today. A fitting celebration. At a school my Grandmother once danced and educated! I thought of her, the sun shone upon my new venture.
As I walked up to the ST building, the brisk cold air and warmth of the sunshine basked me in memories -- walking to work at the U nearly 19 years ago, pushing a new baby in a stroller, one child, then two, three and finally a fourth wonderful being born of me. Running after them on a warm summers day, teaching them to ride their bikes, crunching in the fall leaves, years later taking pictures of my oldest as he threw tricks on his skateboard. Many a play to be seen, holding the hand of my student husband. His eventual graduation.
I approached the building with one last breath before entering. I remembered a particular jump my son made during a skate sesh! I recall thinking of the courage it took for him to try something so big, a jump so high, not knowing how he would land it.
I found myself in a similar leap. At this moment I would cross a threshold into a new old building and become, officially, a student again at the University.
Like the building I was about to embrace this new old experience in a new to me old building and I felt comfortable - as I crossed the threshold of the building and my eyes embraced the newness to me of the old building, the smells, the sounds, the sights, embraced me back. The musky smell of old smoke, refreshing, like making a memory. Walking me to my future in the past. In the foyer as if the past hadn't passed at all, time standing still, my evolution certain. I can see evidence of my own evolving over the past 20 years, and now - in my first course back in this venue I ponder -- who I have been, who I am becoming, my human nature, my evolution, my moment.
Happy Birthday Grandma! :)
Last year I was fretting about my mother, her declining health, and my son, his head injury. This year is about moving forward. A mesh of old and new, renewed.
I began school today. A fitting celebration. At a school my Grandmother once danced and educated! I thought of her, the sun shone upon my new venture.
As I walked up to the ST building, the brisk cold air and warmth of the sunshine basked me in memories -- walking to work at the U nearly 19 years ago, pushing a new baby in a stroller, one child, then two, three and finally a fourth wonderful being born of me. Running after them on a warm summers day, teaching them to ride their bikes, crunching in the fall leaves, years later taking pictures of my oldest as he threw tricks on his skateboard. Many a play to be seen, holding the hand of my student husband. His eventual graduation.
I approached the building with one last breath before entering. I remembered a particular jump my son made during a skate sesh! I recall thinking of the courage it took for him to try something so big, a jump so high, not knowing how he would land it.
I found myself in a similar leap. At this moment I would cross a threshold into a new old building and become, officially, a student again at the University.
Like the building I was about to embrace this new old experience in a new to me old building and I felt comfortable - as I crossed the threshold of the building and my eyes embraced the newness to me of the old building, the smells, the sounds, the sights, embraced me back. The musky smell of old smoke, refreshing, like making a memory. Walking me to my future in the past. In the foyer as if the past hadn't passed at all, time standing still, my evolution certain. I can see evidence of my own evolving over the past 20 years, and now - in my first course back in this venue I ponder -- who I have been, who I am becoming, my human nature, my evolution, my moment.
Happy Birthday Grandma! :)
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
pS
Our hard drive is kaputt....I guess a machine can only handle so much....a billion pictures, a few million i-tunes. Yes, apple has our fortune. A few hundred trillion PowerPoint/school papers/rambling effects....we ran it into the ground. Lucky for us it gave two weeks notice so we have been able to download all of the above said treasures....however my picture less documentation and electronic communications have been isolated to the i-pad format...not fine tuned by any means. Thus there will possibly never be a lot of of picture proof that we survived/enJOYed 2011. Maybe I will get a roundtuit. I hear they come aRound once in a while! New hard drive being hired as we speak here. Hopefully this one is ready for the work we have, overtime mandatory!
Also, third year running...no Christmas cards. Look for a non-traditional greeting coming 2012. If not...'13 will be our lucky year!
Clarissa will be on the road...learners permit coming soon/today! Happy 15th Birthday (yesterday) BEAUTIFUL! She is a freshman in high school. Played volleyball!!! Made a Jean quilt in sports sewing, gorgeous! She has taught me this year to LOVE shopping...with her. We spent her birthday at a salon...lunch...and shopped till we dropped...Literally, yesterday was insane...and insanely fun. Oh, and did I mention the she has amazing fashion sense! She remodeled her from this year and yesterday we purchased the final touches...it's picture perfect! New hard drive...and I will prove it! She is the best babysitter...and booked through 2012! She earned $$$ this summer and shopped the Magnificent Mile in Chicago. Her exposure to that amazing city has given her wings and she is determined to move to Chicago in four short years and graduate the University of Chicago. Her interest is Architecture! She is also an amazing talent on the piano and will compete Federation this January... she excels at everything else she does....and she is officially taller than me...and more beautiful every day. We are blessed abundantly and enjoying her growth.
I will be attending the University of Utah come January....still need to register, late fashionably as is my norm! However I gleaned some information this week and I am a LOT closer to my degree than in thought!!! Yay me! I am Chairing the School Community Council for Wasatch Elementary again, and elected to seat East Highs Council. It's worth the work. I believe there is a lot of good in public education! I teach Relief Society and am the Welfare Coordinator. Most of all I love my roles as a Wife, a Mother, a Sister, and a Friend. I still want to learn more on the guitar! And my goal this year is to really downsize our stuff. One bag a week! We have way too much and we need to give what we really do not need/use away! Wish me luck!
Gavin officially has a girl that is more than a friend...and I am so happy for his happiness. (not declared on Facebook yet, but it's true...officially in a relationship) And if she is even somewhat responsible for the little changes I see in him than this is good. I have always believed that a relationship with any person is good if they bring out the better in you. I like this growth, this betterment! He drives the old Landcruiser...Betsy, which he bought from his dad. He works at Whole Foods, loves it! Played Football with East, State Champs in my book! Loves writing and public speaking, blesses my Sacrament each week, which is the greatest offering from a son to any Mother. Skis....yes, I am nervous, but I love his zest for moving forward...with faith. "mom, I would rather die living, than to live dying!" Truth! Too many of us live dying inside everyday because we refuse to move forward. Bad stuff happens but it is worse to give up trying. I guess teaching him to get back on his bike when he fell off paved this way. His journey... He is making the most of it!
Jeremy is currently looking for his next friend that is a girl. He has someone in mind...taking it slow. He is nursing a recent break up and handling it well. He is also a rockstar in the making. Rocking a new electric guitar, still mastering the saxophone...quickly. He also plays piano by ear, the harmonica, and several other instruments. The kid loves music and LOVES LOVES animals. He is a pet whisperer. He plays all sports, football, basketball, and is considering a focus in baseball! Yay for me. I coached him in baseball....brainwashed him to LOVE it and he proclaimed yesterday that he is thinking of not following in his brothers football steps....he is going to branch out and conquer the baseball field! He is in the process of rearranging his bedroom....who needs Spring cleaning...when you have Christmas break! Our house is a MESS, really. We now have three rooms under construction. And less than a week till everyone abandons me with the messy leftovers to sift through. Should be interesting. But it is a fun process to watch. I like that they are invested making their space their own!
Jeremy's partner in crime is Sam! They share a room and Sam has gleaned a talent from his CTE -aka tech career class, to measure and plan out a rooms space. Tape measure, pencil, and graph paper in hand they have recreated the space in their room. In the mean time I have bunk beds among the Christmas carnage. A hallway full of....stuff. And two happy boys happily planning their space together. Sam plays the trumpet...very well. He performed taps in the Veterans day program with his great-Grandfather Cecil again this year. He also specialized in girls, and has a social life neither of his parents understand. The kid is so good at it! He is friendly and funny and too sarcastic for his britches these days. He is growing a mustache, which he just discovered yesterday what we have all been noticing for months now! His voice is many octaves depending on the second. And he is meeting his mother...eye to eye now! Another kid for me to look UP to. He played football this year and loved it. Only breaking one bone! Yippee. He is still in braces, and I LOVE that, the threat alone of wiring his mouth shut can cast a moments peace. He passes me the Sacrament his brother blesses and I truly know this time is but a small flash of life and am enjoying every opportunity.
Brian...Brian...Brian. My mr. B! He is so incredible and treats us all like we are his world. He works long hours every day to provide for us and he never complains. He sounds like a saint and truly he is. He treats me better than I feel I deserve. He listens to my complaints and selfishness and always responds with love and kindness. He has to be so worn out, so weary and drought with worry, yet, he always responds with a cheerful "I am great!" ...which I know can't always be true, but he is so positive. Actually it can be annoying. But I do appreciate it, and I learn a lot from him. He sets such a standard and example and I see his influence on our children. They believe anything is possible and they work hard and they are happy cheerful positive kids because of his example. He always thinks of us first. He does work long hard hours...it is the nature of his career, but the residual of that is that we are well provided for. He never thinks of toys for him....he always thinks of our family as a whole and what will bring us closer to one another. He dates me and makes me feel like I am more beautiful with every passing moment. He encourages me and cheers me on. He hugs me. He councils me. He prays for me. He holds my hand and captivated my heart. I am one with him and believe in love at first site because of him. I believe there is one perfect love for two people. I believe in eternal love through him. I strive for our family to be forever because he has made it worth the work! Sappy....yes, he knows the worst things about me and loves me because of them. Mr. B....I nag him and he comes back for more and claims I am worth it, even when I am at my peak of estrogen imbalance! He likes my cooking and helped me believe in me! He makes me feel pretty. It's simple actually! It's just love. Two people doing their best to not just endure this life to to enjoy it!
Laughing loving living Lawrences. That's all folks! Just us taking one day and one moment at a time. And maybe not loving every minute of it...but living every moment!
Also, third year running...no Christmas cards. Look for a non-traditional greeting coming 2012. If not...'13 will be our lucky year!
Clarissa will be on the road...learners permit coming soon/today! Happy 15th Birthday (yesterday) BEAUTIFUL! She is a freshman in high school. Played volleyball!!! Made a Jean quilt in sports sewing, gorgeous! She has taught me this year to LOVE shopping...with her. We spent her birthday at a salon...lunch...and shopped till we dropped...Literally, yesterday was insane...and insanely fun. Oh, and did I mention the she has amazing fashion sense! She remodeled her from this year and yesterday we purchased the final touches...it's picture perfect! New hard drive...and I will prove it! She is the best babysitter...and booked through 2012! She earned $$$ this summer and shopped the Magnificent Mile in Chicago. Her exposure to that amazing city has given her wings and she is determined to move to Chicago in four short years and graduate the University of Chicago. Her interest is Architecture! She is also an amazing talent on the piano and will compete Federation this January... she excels at everything else she does....and she is officially taller than me...and more beautiful every day. We are blessed abundantly and enjoying her growth.
I will be attending the University of Utah come January....still need to register, late fashionably as is my norm! However I gleaned some information this week and I am a LOT closer to my degree than in thought!!! Yay me! I am Chairing the School Community Council for Wasatch Elementary again, and elected to seat East Highs Council. It's worth the work. I believe there is a lot of good in public education! I teach Relief Society and am the Welfare Coordinator. Most of all I love my roles as a Wife, a Mother, a Sister, and a Friend. I still want to learn more on the guitar! And my goal this year is to really downsize our stuff. One bag a week! We have way too much and we need to give what we really do not need/use away! Wish me luck!
Gavin officially has a girl that is more than a friend...and I am so happy for his happiness. (not declared on Facebook yet, but it's true...officially in a relationship) And if she is even somewhat responsible for the little changes I see in him than this is good. I have always believed that a relationship with any person is good if they bring out the better in you. I like this growth, this betterment! He drives the old Landcruiser...Betsy, which he bought from his dad. He works at Whole Foods, loves it! Played Football with East, State Champs in my book! Loves writing and public speaking, blesses my Sacrament each week, which is the greatest offering from a son to any Mother. Skis....yes, I am nervous, but I love his zest for moving forward...with faith. "mom, I would rather die living, than to live dying!" Truth! Too many of us live dying inside everyday because we refuse to move forward. Bad stuff happens but it is worse to give up trying. I guess teaching him to get back on his bike when he fell off paved this way. His journey... He is making the most of it!
Jeremy is currently looking for his next friend that is a girl. He has someone in mind...taking it slow. He is nursing a recent break up and handling it well. He is also a rockstar in the making. Rocking a new electric guitar, still mastering the saxophone...quickly. He also plays piano by ear, the harmonica, and several other instruments. The kid loves music and LOVES LOVES animals. He is a pet whisperer. He plays all sports, football, basketball, and is considering a focus in baseball! Yay for me. I coached him in baseball....brainwashed him to LOVE it and he proclaimed yesterday that he is thinking of not following in his brothers football steps....he is going to branch out and conquer the baseball field! He is in the process of rearranging his bedroom....who needs Spring cleaning...when you have Christmas break! Our house is a MESS, really. We now have three rooms under construction. And less than a week till everyone abandons me with the messy leftovers to sift through. Should be interesting. But it is a fun process to watch. I like that they are invested making their space their own!
Jeremy's partner in crime is Sam! They share a room and Sam has gleaned a talent from his CTE -aka tech career class, to measure and plan out a rooms space. Tape measure, pencil, and graph paper in hand they have recreated the space in their room. In the mean time I have bunk beds among the Christmas carnage. A hallway full of....stuff. And two happy boys happily planning their space together. Sam plays the trumpet...very well. He performed taps in the Veterans day program with his great-Grandfather Cecil again this year. He also specialized in girls, and has a social life neither of his parents understand. The kid is so good at it! He is friendly and funny and too sarcastic for his britches these days. He is growing a mustache, which he just discovered yesterday what we have all been noticing for months now! His voice is many octaves depending on the second. And he is meeting his mother...eye to eye now! Another kid for me to look UP to. He played football this year and loved it. Only breaking one bone! Yippee. He is still in braces, and I LOVE that, the threat alone of wiring his mouth shut can cast a moments peace. He passes me the Sacrament his brother blesses and I truly know this time is but a small flash of life and am enjoying every opportunity.
Brian...Brian...Brian. My mr. B! He is so incredible and treats us all like we are his world. He works long hours every day to provide for us and he never complains. He sounds like a saint and truly he is. He treats me better than I feel I deserve. He listens to my complaints and selfishness and always responds with love and kindness. He has to be so worn out, so weary and drought with worry, yet, he always responds with a cheerful "I am great!" ...which I know can't always be true, but he is so positive. Actually it can be annoying. But I do appreciate it, and I learn a lot from him. He sets such a standard and example and I see his influence on our children. They believe anything is possible and they work hard and they are happy cheerful positive kids because of his example. He always thinks of us first. He does work long hard hours...it is the nature of his career, but the residual of that is that we are well provided for. He never thinks of toys for him....he always thinks of our family as a whole and what will bring us closer to one another. He dates me and makes me feel like I am more beautiful with every passing moment. He encourages me and cheers me on. He hugs me. He councils me. He prays for me. He holds my hand and captivated my heart. I am one with him and believe in love at first site because of him. I believe there is one perfect love for two people. I believe in eternal love through him. I strive for our family to be forever because he has made it worth the work! Sappy....yes, he knows the worst things about me and loves me because of them. Mr. B....I nag him and he comes back for more and claims I am worth it, even when I am at my peak of estrogen imbalance! He likes my cooking and helped me believe in me! He makes me feel pretty. It's simple actually! It's just love. Two people doing their best to not just endure this life to to enjoy it!
Laughing loving living Lawrences. That's all folks! Just us taking one day and one moment at a time. And maybe not loving every minute of it...but living every moment!
JOY
Good morning life! What a blur! Pretty much we have had the most incredible odd December ever! Point made. Gavin was rearranging his room on the eve of Christmas day when he pulled out his neck brace and looked deep into my soul and said poignantly "one year yesterday". Honestly things could have taken such a turn for the worse in that moment last December Christmas Eve.
My reflection over the last year and all the struggles and loss came into perspective in a flash of gratitude. We could have lost Gavin. His traumatic brain injury could have had more lasting effects. Don't get me wrong...none of it has been easy. I have spent the year getting to know our new Gavin. He is different. Head trauma is tricky and honestly he is still healing. Things that were easy for him are SOOOOO hard now. But he is renewed in that he has accepted his limitations and challenges as growth to have and to do something with. He knows its up to him to work it. He told me once tearfully that although this is NOT the time in his life that he would have liked to have this challenge that he knows he has something to learn from it that will make him better, he is becoming his best self and by accepting this trial he has allowed himself to see what God can make of him through it. It has been SOOOOO hard. I have watched him scream and cry and grovel in depression and confusion. He spent months not even knowing day from night. I wish I had kept a daily log of my own experience because there is no way I can describe it. It has been lonely as sad and frustrating and intense. I realize this has been my least blogged year and honestly the most has happened. Good and challenging.
Also on Christmas Eve last year I was calling an ambulance for my Mother, whose health was taking a deadly turn. In that moment I ignored Gavin's calls... all three, thinking he forgot his gloves or money for lunch. I had just dropped him off at Park City and had driving out of the canyon. I was NOT going back....I suddenly felt a desperate impression to answer Gavin's calls and quickly asked my mothers roommate to call an ambulance and I would call her back...Gavin must REALLY need something to be so persistent in calling, I told her.
Well, he indeed needed me. And it wasn't him calling, it was his friend. His very scared friend. Gavin was injured, badly, he had been unconscious....was waking up...couldn't move his legs, didn't know his name. Well...anyhow, I have written all this before...it's just today--I feel true PURE JOY! In reflecting on this past year, this month, all that we are still facing, as life is full of challenges, and yet, feeling so blessed. Feeling full of faith and gratitude that we are right here, where we are, enduring all He sees fit to give us to overcome.
I think we are spoiled. We have love, we have each other, and we have time.
I see the hourglass overturned and the sands of time are running swiftly through the narrow passage. There are grains to enjoy and while I can not stop the sands from falling through I can run my fingers through them and enjoy.
This year as we had our best Christmas yet. I think it is mostly because of giving. Let me explain lest a misunderstanding here, it's consumerism at it's best, and me...the grinch of consumerism, am also a hypocrite....yikes!
This year Christmas lasted. ...all....day... As each gift was given and thoroughly appreciated and enjoyed. Each child loving the opportunity to give a gift they had carefully chosen and wrapped and laid tenderly under the trimmed tree in anticipation of that Christmas morning moment....and me spoiled to sit and bask to celebrAte their moments with each other. Brian and I in awe of their excitement more to GIVE than to receive. They get it....the spirit and JOY of this season. We sat back watching laughter and love and honestly felt so spoiled....do I really deserve such incredible happiness!!! I am going to say yes! I have made tremendous stride to give so much of my effort to being pleasant and patient and enjoying the moments, whether a challenge, a frustration, or a simple happiness, my attitude makes the diffence. That has been something I have been working on and it works!
Anyhow, I look back to my PouTy moment at the beginning of the month --- Missing the wArd Christmas party while recovering from my surgery.... to the JOY I feel today. I have been busily engaged in the merriment of the Christmas season, each day not without challenge, but with a mind over matter attitude I have endured much and am happy to sit in reflection today. We are blessed. Everyone of us.
Not just me and mine, look at your lives. Admit whatever challenges you have you can finding an inkling of blessing. Of being guided through those challenges and see opportunities for growth. Being cheerful is a choice!
I missed the Christmas party....and then another family party along the way...boo! I really felt sad about those losses, missing time with our loved ones. But me not running till I was MORE weary gave my body and mind time to heal and then other opportunities came along for me to enjoy. It's choices. Make the hard ones so you can make more of whAt is coming.
I miss my mom. Losing her was one of the hardest parts of 2011 and will be one of my Top 10 hardest heartbreaks ever to face, but I am so thankful she is not suffering and I am so thankful for what legacies she left behind that I can glean from her life. Good and bad. It is an amazing truth that if you chose to overlook the bad that the good is so much...gooder!!! :)
I also miss some really key family who are not a part of our lives right now. Trials, challenges, choices have created distance that may never be overcome. I miss them, the love and laughter and all the good, so much good. I weep, i pray, i hope. Stunned still to be facing this challenge, confused...Naively I believe that in time things will heal. The more time passes the more I realize that I may just be banking hope. But I still believe.
I miss my family that lives far away in geography, but is always close in heart. It is amazing to me that even with the physical distance that there is a closeness that is bonded by love. There really is no distance when you have love. I can celebrate their happiness and success and enjoy the knowledge that they are doing exactly what I am doing...Living each day to the fullest and making them most of very blessing we have. We really are a happy family. We walked hot coals and depths of sorrow to have the joy we are all making with our moments. Knowing they are all happy and making their own success makes my whole soul celebrate!
I miss my grandmother, yet was blessed this week with the most amazing gift in the mail. A remembrance of her life and her warmth and her love, her example. She really is not that far from me. Someone really special in my life reminded me of that his week. They are both just a thought away. It's amazing. I close my eyes and in a moment I am with them both and it is wonderful! In a swift Kung Fu kick I beat death and distance and they are with me in my heart and soul.
While I am rambling I have a gratitude that is still a weeping tenderness. I found out that the growth I had removed had some abnormal pathology. Confused....mee too. I have grown stuff for twenty years and the news is always the same. Benign. This one wasn't. I still can't say it, the word. Interestingly this month has been full of c-words. Christ, cookies, cards, chains, cheer, Clarissa's b-day!, candies, crafts, cooking.... Yet, I still can't say it out loud. I don't think I will. For one, when the doctor told me he was really assuring that what was is out, all of it. And because it looked so different from a normal growth, which we have know since June, which we have been watching closely (well, sort of...I was suppose to be seen again in August and I made a mistake I will never make again and put it off until November. :( I won't do that again...ever). I claimed I didn't have time......I could have made that a truth. Reflection.
I just feel really blessed that it is out and the pathology of all the surrounding tissue is normal and while we have some months of follow up I can really COUNT my blessings. That one C-word I am focusing on.
Count your many blessings....name them one by one....
Christmas has been a wonderful blessing. We overdid it as always....but what a fun cache of memories we have created. This month...three surgeries....two performances.... Four beautiful amazing children, countless family and friends to love and celebrate, one Christ, a home, heart, health, hearth. Pondering's, reflections, ramblings. So much to enjoy, time, so little to waste. Cheerful is a choice. Make it yours. I am making it mine! JOY - Jesus, Others, Yourself. It's a faultless motto. Have a JOYfull (FULL) 2012!
My reflection over the last year and all the struggles and loss came into perspective in a flash of gratitude. We could have lost Gavin. His traumatic brain injury could have had more lasting effects. Don't get me wrong...none of it has been easy. I have spent the year getting to know our new Gavin. He is different. Head trauma is tricky and honestly he is still healing. Things that were easy for him are SOOOOO hard now. But he is renewed in that he has accepted his limitations and challenges as growth to have and to do something with. He knows its up to him to work it. He told me once tearfully that although this is NOT the time in his life that he would have liked to have this challenge that he knows he has something to learn from it that will make him better, he is becoming his best self and by accepting this trial he has allowed himself to see what God can make of him through it. It has been SOOOOO hard. I have watched him scream and cry and grovel in depression and confusion. He spent months not even knowing day from night. I wish I had kept a daily log of my own experience because there is no way I can describe it. It has been lonely as sad and frustrating and intense. I realize this has been my least blogged year and honestly the most has happened. Good and challenging.
Also on Christmas Eve last year I was calling an ambulance for my Mother, whose health was taking a deadly turn. In that moment I ignored Gavin's calls... all three, thinking he forgot his gloves or money for lunch. I had just dropped him off at Park City and had driving out of the canyon. I was NOT going back....I suddenly felt a desperate impression to answer Gavin's calls and quickly asked my mothers roommate to call an ambulance and I would call her back...Gavin must REALLY need something to be so persistent in calling, I told her.
Well, he indeed needed me. And it wasn't him calling, it was his friend. His very scared friend. Gavin was injured, badly, he had been unconscious....was waking up...couldn't move his legs, didn't know his name. Well...anyhow, I have written all this before...it's just today--I feel true PURE JOY! In reflecting on this past year, this month, all that we are still facing, as life is full of challenges, and yet, feeling so blessed. Feeling full of faith and gratitude that we are right here, where we are, enduring all He sees fit to give us to overcome.
I think we are spoiled. We have love, we have each other, and we have time.
I see the hourglass overturned and the sands of time are running swiftly through the narrow passage. There are grains to enjoy and while I can not stop the sands from falling through I can run my fingers through them and enjoy.
This year as we had our best Christmas yet. I think it is mostly because of giving. Let me explain lest a misunderstanding here, it's consumerism at it's best, and me...the grinch of consumerism, am also a hypocrite....yikes!
This year Christmas lasted. ...all....day... As each gift was given and thoroughly appreciated and enjoyed. Each child loving the opportunity to give a gift they had carefully chosen and wrapped and laid tenderly under the trimmed tree in anticipation of that Christmas morning moment....and me spoiled to sit and bask to celebrAte their moments with each other. Brian and I in awe of their excitement more to GIVE than to receive. They get it....the spirit and JOY of this season. We sat back watching laughter and love and honestly felt so spoiled....do I really deserve such incredible happiness!!! I am going to say yes! I have made tremendous stride to give so much of my effort to being pleasant and patient and enjoying the moments, whether a challenge, a frustration, or a simple happiness, my attitude makes the diffence. That has been something I have been working on and it works!
Anyhow, I look back to my PouTy moment at the beginning of the month --- Missing the wArd Christmas party while recovering from my surgery.... to the JOY I feel today. I have been busily engaged in the merriment of the Christmas season, each day not without challenge, but with a mind over matter attitude I have endured much and am happy to sit in reflection today. We are blessed. Everyone of us.
Not just me and mine, look at your lives. Admit whatever challenges you have you can finding an inkling of blessing. Of being guided through those challenges and see opportunities for growth. Being cheerful is a choice!
I missed the Christmas party....and then another family party along the way...boo! I really felt sad about those losses, missing time with our loved ones. But me not running till I was MORE weary gave my body and mind time to heal and then other opportunities came along for me to enjoy. It's choices. Make the hard ones so you can make more of whAt is coming.
I miss my mom. Losing her was one of the hardest parts of 2011 and will be one of my Top 10 hardest heartbreaks ever to face, but I am so thankful she is not suffering and I am so thankful for what legacies she left behind that I can glean from her life. Good and bad. It is an amazing truth that if you chose to overlook the bad that the good is so much...gooder!!! :)
I also miss some really key family who are not a part of our lives right now. Trials, challenges, choices have created distance that may never be overcome. I miss them, the love and laughter and all the good, so much good. I weep, i pray, i hope. Stunned still to be facing this challenge, confused...Naively I believe that in time things will heal. The more time passes the more I realize that I may just be banking hope. But I still believe.
I miss my family that lives far away in geography, but is always close in heart. It is amazing to me that even with the physical distance that there is a closeness that is bonded by love. There really is no distance when you have love. I can celebrate their happiness and success and enjoy the knowledge that they are doing exactly what I am doing...Living each day to the fullest and making them most of very blessing we have. We really are a happy family. We walked hot coals and depths of sorrow to have the joy we are all making with our moments. Knowing they are all happy and making their own success makes my whole soul celebrate!
I miss my grandmother, yet was blessed this week with the most amazing gift in the mail. A remembrance of her life and her warmth and her love, her example. She really is not that far from me. Someone really special in my life reminded me of that his week. They are both just a thought away. It's amazing. I close my eyes and in a moment I am with them both and it is wonderful! In a swift Kung Fu kick I beat death and distance and they are with me in my heart and soul.
While I am rambling I have a gratitude that is still a weeping tenderness. I found out that the growth I had removed had some abnormal pathology. Confused....mee too. I have grown stuff for twenty years and the news is always the same. Benign. This one wasn't. I still can't say it, the word. Interestingly this month has been full of c-words. Christ, cookies, cards, chains, cheer, Clarissa's b-day!, candies, crafts, cooking.... Yet, I still can't say it out loud. I don't think I will. For one, when the doctor told me he was really assuring that what was is out, all of it. And because it looked so different from a normal growth, which we have know since June, which we have been watching closely (well, sort of...I was suppose to be seen again in August and I made a mistake I will never make again and put it off until November. :( I won't do that again...ever). I claimed I didn't have time......I could have made that a truth. Reflection.
I just feel really blessed that it is out and the pathology of all the surrounding tissue is normal and while we have some months of follow up I can really COUNT my blessings. That one C-word I am focusing on.
Count your many blessings....name them one by one....
Christmas has been a wonderful blessing. We overdid it as always....but what a fun cache of memories we have created. This month...three surgeries....two performances.... Four beautiful amazing children, countless family and friends to love and celebrate, one Christ, a home, heart, health, hearth. Pondering's, reflections, ramblings. So much to enjoy, time, so little to waste. Cheerful is a choice. Make it yours. I am making it mine! JOY - Jesus, Others, Yourself. It's a faultless motto. Have a JOYfull (FULL) 2012!
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