i think i can, i think i can

i went back to 2006 last night....read some journal entries i blogged.
this one got me thinking i should journal a little more simply, as in days gone by.  


this post: my last FIRST day of kindergarten (september 2006)

...awwww, my heart :')

First day of Kindergarten for my youngest son!
I cried my eyes out (after I dropped him off, of course).
He was crying and holding me so tight, like a little monkey.
I couldn’t let go of him.
It really was breaking my heart.

Thank goodness for kissing hands (from a children’s story),

and teachers'

who can take your child’s hand from yours

when you can’t let go yourself.

the power and meaning behind this simple journal entry got me thinking:

"i am really making things harder than they are to record".

I set these standards that I need to blog in ORDER...so if I am behind...I will never catch up.  By the simplest strategy I am so far behind right now on life events that it doesn't make sense to even try.

  (discouraging at best)

Anyhow...since I am really

the only one who knows

 the standards

by which I set myself

why does it really matter?

Who knows? 

Part of my insanity I suppose. 

Anyhow, it an effort to simplify life and be a bit kinder to myself....I am journaling this today, simply:

i can not stop the tears from falling....today.  Just took a final for one of my classes.  I went into the final with an A in the class...another standard I set for myself - - - PERFECTION - - - ....i got a perfect D.  yep....66%....

Yay me.  I guess this proves that studying really is helpful. 

Yet, point is how I feel.
is it really all that important to strive for perfection....

?

okay....and maybe this too:

I have been thinking--- 

(in true Facebook form...what's on my mind)

It is a paradoxical

but profoundly true

 and important principle of life

 that the most likely way to reach a goal

 is to be aiming not at that goal itself

but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.

- Arnold Joseph Toynbee

We tend to set such high standards for ourselves and then judge what we achieve by the level in which we expect to succeed.  It is ridiculous.

Will it really be the end of the world if I get a B in a class?  If my kids get a B...or a C....even a D for that matter --- it does not change my love for them.  I still think they are simply PERFECT.  I should be so kind to myself.

I have also been thinking of giving up school. 

Jer told me I should get a blessing from daddy...and gavin (apparently I have not explained well enough to him that the priesthood level of giving blessings doesn't begin till Elder...ha.  However now is as good of an opportunity to teach that concept!  I think it is sweet that he things his big brother is so BIG.  And Gavin will be 18 in September so it did get me thinking of all the new adventures we have just around the corner:) 

A blessing would have helped.

I spent yesterday with my wonderful Grandfather, and my sweet Auntie! ♥, ...and my darling children.  It was a great moment of perspective, the things that matter most.  I was able to set aside some of my stress, and just enjoy.  I enjoyed the day..., and thought a LOT about the roles they play in my life, I am so blessed.

My Auntie....what a treasure to me that she is.  She listens, and she talks to me, and she makes me feel like I am a person of value.  Someone who can be trusted, someone who has sense (especially when I feel insane), someone who is sensable; when she is going through things she listens to my perspectives, my concerns, my love. 

She shared a wonderful treasure with my son,

and yesterday was a celebration

 of what he has been able to accomplish because of her gift. 

I have yet to publically write my gratitude for her selfless act of love,

 indeed a treasure---

I am abundantly thankful

and blessed to have experienced

this gift she gave.

My GRANDfather!  Need I say more....he listened to me.  I downloaded the weight of my cares and he heard it all.  What I love MOST is that he gave me NO ADVICE!!!!  He just listened, and I am sure that he included my troubles in his prayers which I faithfully believe will help me to know what to do.

I seem to be stressing so much lately that I am NOT at all a nice person to the people I should be the nicest too.

 ya...that would be my children and Brian

- who suffer the brunt of my impatience

 and frustration when times get tough.

Treat them better--it is a worthy goal, and something I need to work on.  I determined that yesterday....and mistakes already made today as I lost my patience with kids this morning....feeling the pressure of my final exams and all. (no excuses, i know)

I got some input from my kids:

"Why are you so negative?"

and  --- "You always complain!" [ahem...whine]

(and some tidbit about my swearing...which I need to work on -

- apparently my kids youth church leaders

are teaching them that swearing is a bad thing.  great!)

I do complain alot.

....and I have a tendency to be negative....pessimistic about myself mostly.

Pitiful!

And the swearing....well, I do need to work on that a little.

I have a lot of thinking to do.....besides the papers that I need to get writing today, and my final FINAL on Wednesday that I need to be studying for.....ya....thinking...thinking....i think i can, i think i can.

i can do it! right?

we live we laugh we love

please forgive me

jakes video :')

i saw you from across the room

our eyes met

i saw a smile

and i knew i should try

a cold wind blew

i wanted you

but i was shy

in the end i looked at you

time passed

and the moment was gone

how can i expect you to want me

if i'm too shy to try

...when i was a kid...

i was hurt by someone

i started drinking, i started smoking

i was a bum

i played my guitar

i read books

i layed in the sun

ya, now i can play

but those days are gone

how did i expect to be anything

if i never even tried

never thought that the day would come

that i would have to deal with the pain within

and through my selfishness

i never took time to do those things

but ma,

i wanted to

resolve the issues

i planned to come home

but i didn't

time passed

and now you're gone

how did i expect you to forgive me

if i never even tried

all i wanna say is

i forgive you

i hope you forgive me too

[written by Jake]

...played on my dusty old guitar :(

i miss you brother

Light!

I enjoyed listening to conference today and wanted to record some of the thoughts I had.

I didn't write down all of the speakers names -- but I wrote their words, or my impressions of them as I listened.

We have a full house of children, some extras that camped over last night,

and with running the kitchen

for so many for mealtime...

well, no further explaination needed,

right!

Things I hope to work on from this first session:

Create an atomosphere in our home where our children (and parents) can feel the spirit and then help our family each to understand when they have felt the spirit, and been blessed by its council.

Key to parenting: atmosphere of LOVE.

There is nothing like this church in all the world, with the selfless service and sacrifice of the leaders. (I know this as my children and family are so blessed by people who involve themselves in encouraging and influencing our children. It is abundant!)

We need the gospel and the church,

they are two in one.

We need to be more converted to the gospel,

not just people of the church.

Three things to do:

1. deepen our love for diety. understand who they are as three beings and know them, and follow their guidance in our lives for happiness.
2. focus on ordinances and covenants. fully depend on the sacrament and use it. be converted! be regurlarly changed by its cleansing power, people do not take advantage of this weekly power in their lives because of the lack of reverence for its sacred ordinance.
3. seek learning. (search, ponder, pray, live) UNITE the GOSPEL with the CHURCH.

President Kimball was asked what to do in a boring Sacrament meeting and he replied that he had never been in one.

Life was never meant to be easy....or fair!

I hope to be judged as good a man as my Father.

Before being greated by my Heavenly Father I hope to be greeted by my earthly Father.

be devoted to, and LOVE, each precious little one

God does know and love us.

His arms are constantly extended to us.

Live the patterns of the gospel and we will be drawn towards Him.

Only way to have Spiritual Safety

for now

and Happiness

forever (eternity)

is by way of living the gospel in daily doses.

Prepare to go to the temple: no sacrafice is to great, no price to heavy, no struggle to difficult to work toward temple blessings for the ones you love.

missing: mom

jody

i eye spy

uncle jody and the girls!!!

our brother jody

passed away from heart trouble

late Thursday night.

we miss you brother

jody with his girls

breann and brittney

Tidwell Turkeyball wont ever be the same :(

Mormon Young Women: Guardian of Virtue

the Young Women also sang this song, :)



i LOVE the picture of the temple at the end of this. WOW!

New Beginnings! ARISE and SHINE



This past Wednesday we had the privilege as a family to join Clarissa for New Beginnings.

i LOVE the young women's program!

i LOVE the idea that we can start anew!

a NEW beginning. Each year, strive to do a little better.

I wanted to remember this, and to share this video with you all. For the program the boys joined the girls this year. WOW. What an honor and beautiful thing; to see these Young Men be a part of the Young Women's program. I loved that the leaders were inspired to invite the Young Men. To see the boys dressed up, and to watch them listen to these Young Women speak of their values and the accomplishments that they are striving to make.

Clarissa had to speak on Choice and Accountability, she did a wonderful work. It was so thoughtful to see the Young Men there to hear these Young Women speak of the things that are important to them. That they as Young Men can respect and honor these ladies even more-so, what an inspirational evening.

At the end of the evening the Youth* all stood together and sang this medley from EFY. The video was their accompaniment and it was surely a privileged moment. What a choir!!!!

These things simply are my WHY!!! Reason enough to hang on even in the most difficult parts of life. It's worth it and it works if you work it! Enjoy!

Oh...and the THEME for the Youth this year is ARISE AND SHINE.

Really perfect.....Arise and Shine!

*by the way. it is hilarious to watch boys try to read music. what a laugh! and with flashlights, ...who knew that these boys scouts would have so many flashlight** materials in their pockets!!!

(lights were dim for the video presentation!)**

wordless wednesday

WISDOM? two..th

On our way...

BLINK BLINK

...and we're done!

sweet...and pleasant

"Jamba, Jamba, Jamba"

not one...but TWO....children had their wisdom teeth out in December. (And we SqUisHed my surgery between them)....December was a party in the doctor/hospital waiting roomS!!!

Clarissa had four teeth, two impacted. Her recovery was very different, longer, more sWelliNg involved. She was as tough as always. Complained little, and laughed a lot at her own expense. The videos....of her recovery....would champion any you find on YOUTUBE.

our little chipmunk 8;

note to self: must get her to sign permission for me to post videos....seriously funny :)