Brothers!

Sam makes his own eggs most mornings.

Jeremy wanted some,
so instead of making him eggs,
Sam taught him how to make them...


Sounds like an old tale...

Give a man a fish
and you feed him for a day;
teach a man to fish
and you feed him for life.

Off to school,
in a brothers borrowed shirt,
another brothers borrowed hairstyle,
and a brothers belly full of eggs,
not for a day....for a lifetime!

suNdAy sMilE: i wish i had an app for that!

Me: Hey Clarissa, have you been practicing your piano?

Clarissa: Yep, everyday,

on my ipod touch!

Me: ummmm....seriously???
Clarissa: Yeah, I downloaded an app for that! Wanna hear...?

seems there are new ways of doing
everything these days...



i wish i had an app for laundry....

"ogurt on my owebries"

How did he know I
would
'want to get a picture of dat?'

okay...♥

she cries

new journal needed; usually i enjoy the beginning of a new journal; the potential, the fresh, new beginning.
today, however, is different.
everything is changed now. as i wrote in a new book today the process was poignant, bittersweet. this is a new book/chapter, for me and my family, in our lives.

i am recovering from having a hysterectomy.

[there, i said it].

wednesday was the day, 5/5/10. 11:11 AM was the time when they came to tell me it was time.

and i began to weep.

i had been so strong going into this; so brave.

in an instant, a moment, everything about that changed. my brave face wore off and i had to discover if i really had courage.

as they wheeled me back, i knew that nothing would soothe the empty ache i was about to face.

i really had done all i could to be prepared for this; prayers, blessings, coming to terms with facts, and acceptence. acceptence in body, mind, and spirit.

i forgot raw emotion.

i was okay until the charge nurse came in to go over everything, the papers, the details. i had asked questions,signed papers, put on the hospital handcuff in a statement that i would stay. i agreed with everything that was asked of me, i felt calm and peaceful

the blow that came next knocked the wind out of me and i have yet to catch my breath.

the nurse handed me one final paper. 'this one' she states 'clarifies that you of your own free will are choosing sterilization.'

i must have looked confused, i didn't take the paper from her like i had the others. she saw my hesitation and further explained, 'it states that you are here by your own account and opting to have a surgery that will leave you unable to bare children.'

i said to her, 'are you serious?' she put the paper on a clipboard in my lap.

i looked at brian. this was a cruel joke.

'what?' i asked.

she simply said, 'in order to have the surgery you need to sign it stating you understand it is elective surgery. it is your choice.'

at this point tears are welling up in my eyes.

i don't get it.

all this time i have been advised to have the surgery, it is not something i picked.

the policy, she continues to explain, is that a woman has the choice no matter her condition and that signing the form makes it clear that i understand i will no longer be able to concieve and carry a child.

inside i feel like i am writhing, i try to look at brian through my tears, i can not bring myself to put my signiture, my name, on that piece of paper.

'WHY', i ask her, i don't get why i have to sign it. i didn't choose this, to suffer pains and growths and other symptoms that make daily life difficult at best. this surgery is to alleviate all that. to make my quality of life, of motherhood, better.

it is not optional, or elective. i came willingly, isn't that enough.

i can't bring myself to sign it. suddenly all the courage i had is used up and i feel completely out of control in pain, agony, confusion.

simply the hospital requires a patient to acknowledge awareness of the choice and the understanding that it would make me sterile. such horrible words, and thoughts, zapping the strength i had stored to endure this peaceably.

NO, my head and heart were screaming, children, unborn, those hoped for, prayed for, pleaded and ached for that place within me. oh, the sorrow that i was feeling.

'Do i really have to sign it?' i hear myself ask her.

suddenly i feel the finality of the decision become mine. Brian says, "no, you dont, we can leave", he sits nearer to me, and i feel myself signing, without even looking. as if in denial. it is done.

a weeping begins, which weeping of heart will never cease.

it becomes blurry to me, suddenly i am no longer crying in brians arms,but weeping on the gurney.

i found interesting metaphore that they put me into a bed, carefully lifting the sides, tucking me in, a warm blanket, under the covers so soothing, brians hand on my head, i feel like an infant in a crib, like the babies i will not have, the bed becomes a womb for me, my only piece of physical security left in that moment, all other stripped away from me as we walk away from the waiting room where brian was left behind.

one kiss, one caress of my forehead, a look of love, concern and sorrow as our eyes met, the last time we are together while i am whole.

the further we go the more it feels like a suicide to my motherhood, i can't get it out of my mind that i chose this. the confusion, my heart wont hear what my head can't make sense of.

i weep harder the closer we get the more sterile the environment.

sterile, like i will be.

people are walking like robots. going through the motions. i become a number, a room number, a patient number. no longer a being, heart and soul. i look like everyone else, in my cap and gown, yet so different, i am still weeping.

the orderly parks me in patient parking. it is quiet. it strikes me that now i really am a stranger in a territory whose customs are unfamiliar to me. their ways don't align with mine today.

then i don't feel with me anymore. people are asking this poor weeping woman if she is okay, i feel so seperated from who i am. and then i hear it, the lullaby; a sound i will dread hearing over the next few days. each time a new baby is born in the hospital they will play it.

now people are asking me if i am sure i want this surgery. did i sign the paper?

'this paper' they say as they show it to me. i see my signature. i do not respond right away.

a woman asks, 'are you sure you don't want any more children?'

all the wrong questions. she explains if i am feeling apprehensive maybe i should reconsider, it can not be reversed.

i feel so helpless, i know they don't mean harm but i feel like they are bullies on the playground. they have found my weakness and keep taunting me.

i could be ninety,would they ask me the same things. i know i can't have more children, it has been 9 long years of wishing, of praying, of hoping....that somehow it would just happen because that was God's will for me. i know it is not, i know that nothing would change if i said no today, we still would not have more children. i recognize my blessings, all four of them. i want to live for them, for me. not just alive, but LIVE with quality and patience, healthy and pain free.

i look at the anesthesiologist and beg him. 'i am ready, please just get me to sleep.' i don't want to feel what i am feeling anymore, please. from the darkness of this moment will come light, i need it to move forward.

i wake up, sort of. i hear someone crying, wailing really. people are trying to soothe her. she is inconsolable. she is writhing in pain, truly wailing. oh, how i want to comfort her. to tell her it will all be okay. she sounds so desperate, if loss were a sound she is making it. the crying is so disturbing and it is hard for me to relax. i hear people saying that she needs to be taken to a room. i think no, bring her to me. i will hold her. and then i see brian, and he is telling her it will all be okay...then i realize the sounds of anquish are coming from me. from my emptyness, a pit of despair.

there goes that song again, why do they have to keep playing it. i continue to cry, calming each time to be reawakened in grief by a lullaby.

i find comfort in Brians voice, his hand, the look of desperation on his face for me to be okay. i find peace in his patience. allowing me to feel the grief, and caring about where it came from. i am made whole because he loves me...even when pieces of me are missing, even when i am broken. even when i lack courage, lose a brave face, always when i cry, when i cry at night.

Restless Heart - When She Cries Music Videos SPIKE.com

when she cries

The road I have travelled on

Is paved with good intentions

It's littered with broken dreams

That never quite came true

When all of my hopes were dying

Her love kept me trying

And she does her best to hide

the pain that she's been through

When she cries at night

And she doesn't think

that I can hear her

She tries to hide

all the fear she feels inside

So I pray this time

I can be the man

that she deserves

'Cause I die a little each time

When she cries

She's always been there for me

Whenever I've fallen

When nobody else believed

She'd be there by my side

I don't know how she takes it

Just once I'd like to make it

Then there'll be tears of joy

That fill her loving eyes

When she cries at night

And she doesn't think that I can hear her

She tries to hide

all the fear she feels inside

So I pray this time

I can be the man that she deserves

'Cause I die

a little each time

When she cries

So I pray

this time

When she cries ...

this too will pass

Day One

Day Two


Day Three

Day Three Two

getting up and down more

counting the hours till going home

dressed and ready

personal escorts home!

sams in charge

thankful for the double wide,

it fit my pillows,

and the beautiful flowers from Sheri,

and plant from Aunt Liz and Grandpa.

SPOILED for sure. it is all a blurr

an apprehensive smile,

but a SMILE none the less.

hApPy mOthEr

each one gives,

each one takes,

unique to who they are,

where they are,

and only God knows,

a mothers heart,

and makes magic

even when there is nothing.

Quilting Bee

As a Stake we have the responsibility
to create a float for the
Days of 47 Parade again this year.

In an effort to create something that
is useful, of service,

and not a waste of resourses,
our Stake Leaders decided that
our float will be entirely made out of quilts
that would be donated after the parade
to assist Humanitarian Aid
all over the world!

2,500 to be exact.

Each Ward is responsible for
a number of these Quilts/Blankets
for Humanitarian Aid.

Something for everyone
TO DO!!!

The MANS Circle
of knots!!!!

Jeremy and Xavier
became AVATARS!!!

Last Laugh

Brian likes to tease. Really he does.

For YEARS now he tells people for my birthday that he takes me to the store, picks out a card, lets me read it and then puts it back. No fanfare....


That's what he tells people....

in REALITY...
yeah, entirely different story.

But cards and flowers aren't usually his thing.

So this year...for his birthday --- I went to the store,
took a picture of two cards, ...TEXTED him the picture,

wished him a Happy Birthday.....and asked him to pick up some Milk on the way home from work!

I think he appreciated the lack
of FANFARE!!!

And he did!

Mr. B and Me ♥

deprived thoughts

13 hours after:

after checking in this morning and brians self-revelation that he would not have to pick up sanitary items for me ever again, which painted a cheshire grin on his face, we were called back to surgery prep. suddenly this was all going too fast for me...my brave face began to wear off. brians remarks were to be expected. things such as installing me a hormonal level switch so he could adjust as necessary. the story truth tales shared about out phone number change not being the only fear factor he overcame...my tumors are at the top of the list. i sign the paper...the lullabies play and i fall asleep to wreching sobs...