Being a WEED!!!!

Jeremy: If my mom could be
any flower she would be a dandelion.
Although she is confused,
I don't think she knows it's a WEED!

i'm going under...

Well, likely by now, yes.

In the meantime a quick reflection...This morning was amazing. Of course I hadn't slept but I snuck back into bed with B.

He woke up, and said, "where have you been?"
....in my mind I added all my life.

He has said that to me once or twice.

The card he gave me, completely out of character...he is like that---does things you don't expect so you don't ever expect it, anyhow, that card he gave me....for our anniversary celebration crossed my mind. It said,

"If I hadn't found you....I would still be looking."

I guess you could say LOVE was on my mind, and in my heart.

After a while of silence, just holding and thinking I asked him if I refused to go today would he make me. He told me no. It is my body and my decision. I pondered for a minute and then asked...if I don't get dressed today would you still take me....he said he had no problem chasing me down...but still, "the decision is yours".


In that moment I knew [and although the chase sounded fun], I said to him that if I even had a doubt at all that I wouldn't go. But it feels so right, and feels so necessary, and there is not even a piece of me left that is fighting it.

All the pieces of me
have come to peace.

So...I am going under, ...when I come back up I will be renewed, and after a while I will feel renewed.

Yes, it is my decision, has been all along, but what it really came down to is aligning my decision with His will. And that...I have done, Thy Will Be Done.

the Olden days!

Jeremy upon discovering this
in Brian's cache of stuff
from his childhood!

"Mom, is this what cell phones were
like in the Olden Days???"

Try to put THAT in your pocket! LOL

Perspective

99.999999999999 infinity pErSpeCtiVe i have comes from the wisdom of my kids.

I take credit for half of it,
because HALF of the time I am listening...

Of course we had a SPECIAL faMily hOme evEning leading up to the blessed event of the morrow...which blessed event is keeping me awake for at least another 10 hours. a VERY WISE cousin/friend/sister of mine told me once that she isn't planning on SLEEPING through anything, she could "sleep when she's dead" i think were close to her exact words.

[u know who you are ....]

So I figure since they are MAKING me sleep through something that feels like death to me tomorrow that I am going to get as much out of tonight as I can....if your up, SO AM I!!!!
so....sitting here, pondering TOO much i began to see the humor in some of this.

Yes, I still have a sense of humor,
as far as the pendulum of grief swings,
thus swings my HUMOR....


I might just be naked running through the house tomorrow morning....who knows!!!

[read on if this shocks you, or better yet, maybe don't read on]

Back to our Family HORROR Evening Monday night. Brian decided to lead a discussion on how this was all going to go down. In an effort to be reverent I did NOT document with pictures. However he had me stand in front of the kids white board and then somewhat lovingly drew a picture of my profile....


I was a bit offended until I realized his wisdom. My profile looked like I had eaten the three pigs, and two of three houses for dessert. I watched him draw inside my large balloon like love handle a baby.

He explained that this was where each of them grew, and then quickly inserted that he was in NO WAY
leading into sex ed. so we could all calm down.

He then talked a bit about Clarissa's surgery years ago to remove her appendix, something she no longer needed, she was healed and that she was healthy.

He explained that being each of them as our children were already here that this part of mommy that was making her not well needed to be removed. That it wouldn't change anything about mommy only that I would feel better.

I was hanging on to every word he was breathing, as if somehow my spiritual well being depended on his perspective. And oh, how it does.


I watched him draw a thinner version of me, [yes, I WISH it were that easy, LOL].
He showed that something was growing in mom that wasn't as wonderful as each of them, and it was causing me pain and impatience.

[Yes, not so FUNNY!]

Then he erased the tumor....and the 'part', "mom's uterus", to which the boys giggled, and said that was all that needed to be done.

He asked who could help mom to heal, and unlike the fairy tale and nursery rhymes of no one wanting to do the work and everyone wanting to eat the bounty, everyONE of my lovely blessings willingly raised their hands, sat a little closer to me and said, "I will."

Jeremy said, "Since I AM THE BABY you really don't need that part anymore mom so you really shouldn't feel bad. You already have me."

And do you know what....he is so right!




Tonight as I am running around, giving myself one last chance to really feel the painful reasons that I am willing [sort of] to do this tomorrow,

I found this note:

Mom,

i love you
[excerpts]
...i can't wait to see you in that wonderful
and GLORIOUS most attractive gown EVER!

even a princess/queen/slash model
would be JEALOUS....

HAHAHA NOT!

jk...you'll look great!


--clarissa

Thanks Clarissa....

I can't wait to see YOU tomorrow as well!

oh, and I LOVE YOU TOO!!!
and your brothers,
who we know you believe
are just an illusion
because you are really an ONLY child!

HAHAHAH jk....
NOT!
they really ARE your brothers!!!!

guess i have the last laugh after all.
♥U

The Reason for my Reasoning ♥

in the quiet heart is hidden

In so few more hours Brian will be trying to convince me to get in the car. It has crossed my mind that if I don't get dressed that he wont be able to take me. I mean really...would he chase me down, throw me in all my nakedness over his shoulder and force me into the car? Yeah, I don't think so either. But who is to say....and what would the neighbors think. Talking to a sweet neighbor of mine who brought me the most amazing book from Camille Fronk Olson...

.....she commented
that if the curtains aren't closed
in the morning
that could LOOK really bad
and someone would certainly
call for protective services.
[I might just try it!].

This beautiful book already brings me peace to just even hold in my arms. What a wonderful thought and lesson, the women of the Bible. And what a wonderful lesson from a sweet neighbor, one of many who follow promptings and offer a hand in faith to serve.

Women of the Old Testament

Wonderful Women
of Faith,
and of Sorrow,
and of Pains,
and Temptations,
and Mistakes,
and Forgiveness,
and Rebellion.

So many walks of life...I say,
"If they all made it into the Bible, the righteous book of Testament to our Lord and Savior, they maybe, just maybe...I will make it somehow."

...just maybe...

So I sit tonight...in the quiet heart hidden sorrow that the eye can't see. I am losing the part of me that grew and nurtured my babies, oh such sorrow. A loss truly, and honestly understood by so many women who have suffered this pain.

Yesterday I went to my Grandma's House. (it will always be her house...) I went to visit my Grandfather...Grandpa.

Almost to Grandpa's home and my dam of tears broke. I couldn't stop in that condition so I drove on to the graveyard. The resting place of my grandmothers tired worn weary beautiful temple.

Oh, how I wished that she were there.

I imagined we were sitting on the hill together, to capture the sound of Grandpa playing Taps, an honorable death ---but someone elses...not my Grand Mother.

But alas, I was sitting alone, gazing in the direction of her last mortal resting place.

When she passed away I was ready for her to go.

I wished for her pain to be gone.

I prayed for her suffering to be lifted.

We all, who loved her, who LOVE her, knew it was time.

But not the kind of knowing that is accepting Thy will.

The kind that a child has knowing that he can not have cookies before dinner---
sneaking one anyhow.

[See, I believe in sneaking them still...
so this is really hard for me.]

Oh, how I WISH I could sneak her back.

I know eternity will be a feast of love, together once again, Thanksgiving every day.

The child in me doesn't want to wait though.

I want it now. I hum to myself

...heavenly father,
are you really there...
and do you hear
and answer every child's prayer...

I am praying...and pleading as I sit there watching over the valley.

I see the dandelions.
The once beloved flower of
my always beloved Grandmother.

Something we have in common... a love of dandelions! ♥



I begin to ponder:
oh, how lovely and sweet she was...

When I would innocently blow the seeds
and plant her a garden in her lawn.
Then in the Spring as my garden grew
I would pick her a bouquet.

She would open her arms and accept my offer,
as if I had given her a treasure trove.

That acceptance is what I miss.

I was offering her weeds,
---mere weeds
---weeds I thought
I had toiled
and
tended
to.

Weeds that certainly caused Grandpa grief, and possibly her at times.

...like me

me and dandelions
---something
accepted
in
a
world
that
looks
upon
a
flower
and
calls
it
a
weed.

I picked a few,
I took them to her headstone,

I know she isn't there,
but somehow it offers me a comfort to imagine her,
still accepting my offering.





I sit blinded by my tears,
oh, how weary I feel,
how weak and confused,
sad and so tired.

I wonder how I will face
the pending weeks doom.

For doom it is,
my womb,

my childrens
first home
on earth---
a place of peace,
comfort,

warmth.

I am already feeling grief.

It seems to have come too fast.

One month ago
I didn't know
as I dreaded another week of pain.


Oh what I would go through----
to go back and KNOW.




...but then
I remember
to
Trust His Will.


...and then I find myself curling up in the soft grass.
Listening to Grandma's birds sing.

The smell of spring.

I feel myself sinking in the comfort of the lawn.

As if I could sink
all the way
to her arms.

I close my weeping eyes,
and for a moment
the warmth of the sun,
brings me a sense of peace.





As I allow my sensibility
to leave me

my senses take over
and I feel her.



I want to so badly that maybe I am just convincing myself...but I pretend that the warmth of the sunshine is the warmth of her arms embracing me.


I know that all the wishing and magic in the world is nothing next to the Faith she exemplified as she lived those last, best years.



So I stop wishing for magic...
and with Faith I stop pleading for what I want



and I begin to hear the greater part,


in my heart...


what He wants for me.





And I know she is there, she is HERE.

In all of us.
Living through our memories,
our love for her,
hearing us talk to her.
We keep her alive.
A life lived eternally
through a
childs name,
a grandchilds name,
a great grandchilds name,

a smile, a memory----

...And a Child's Prayer.
My prayer.

She is here,
and she is there,
Everywhere
and nowhere all at once.

But always in my heart.

At this point I am looking forward to a drugged and sorrow induced sleep, at least I wont be thinking about all this for a few hours. Jipped a little because I will be asleep for seconds before they begin to awaken me and annoyingly remind me that it is gone, and done, and if I try to forget

the pain will remind me....

I am really three things in one...a pessimist who sees 6 weeks of pain and limitation...an optimist who sees 6 weeks of NO CHORES....and a realist who knows the drugged induced nap is really the only good thing about it!


If I was at all doubting that this were the right thing to be doing
I wouldn't have the peace of mind to write about it.

For weeks in my silence,
my quiet heart I have hidden this pain,
seldom speaking of what was really facing me.

Tonight I am truly at peace, for now.

Sure there will be sorrow, possibly some moments of grieving.

Things that will cross my mind in their own time,

and when I am ready to glean knowledge
and understanding.

For now I will go through this,
with Faith knowing that someday I will understand it.


Tonight our kind Bishop came to bless me. As he and Brian anointed me and blessed me I felt assurance, and remembrance. I remembered my covenant with Brian to stand beside him, stand...which I can not do when I am doubled over in pain. I remembered that I promised to do my part in raising our family, my part can not be done from bed; from depression and sorrow, it can only be done by a healthier me. The thought of what really mattered to me crossed my mind.

Brian matters, my kids matter, and I matter.
I want to feel better.

I am thankful for the Priesthood Power, and for Faith. Because of the combination of those I was able to hear the things that Heavenly Father would have me do for now. I was able to hear that He knows me, He knows the pain I have patiently suffered [the patiently part surprised me...for I do not feel a patient bone in my body somedays]. He knows and wants me to Trust His Will for me, and for my family. He is aware of the desires of my heart. All of which will be given to me in righteousness. [Oh, do I have a long way to go.] He knows of my worries, and of my concerns, and admonished me to allow myself to heal. And what I heard that was not said was that I needed to ALLOW myself to HEAL in heart and in spirit, as I trust that He really does know me. And that I will know Him and my Savior someday as I draw nearer to them in service and in worship.

I suppose this is a sandwich post. I know my heart is weary and weeping, but these things I want to be reminded of.
To never forget,

and to bear witness
that I know that all will be well.

I take comfort in that
and know that through my calm belief
in these things that my family
can also take comfort and know that
all is well and all is His will.

dEar mE nExt wEEk

I have avoided conversation on the following subject to the best of my ability. Avoidance is something that I use as a coping mechanism of sorts. It is not that I am internally avoiding....that would be in denial. I have mostly avoided having long discussions that leave me feeling a lack of acceptance for the inevitable.

For 20 years I have known this day would come. I was maybe 19... found out that I had a cyst. Surgery would be necessary. Thy will be done. Next I was 20, maybe closer to 21, dating and looking forward to the rest of my life. Dreaming of the large family I hoped to have some day, and really taking for granted that I had all the power in the world to control the outcome of my dreams, my fantasy's.

Makes me laugh now to remember the day I first laid eyes on Brian. He was the boy next door [not literally], but his boyish look had me locked in a new DREAM. That was until he called my sister, asked her out, and in dating her further annoyed me until he was the LAST person I would have wasted a Friday night, even a MONDAY night on.

Oh so many years have passed, and truly the DREAM I had has come to its full potential with Brian. Now I hope to have EVERY MONDAY...FAMILY night, and all the rest...with him, wasted on him.

But another dream of mine....didn't happen that way.



So there I was, laying in the hospital. Recovering from a surgery that removed a large portion of what would make those dreams come true. One of two fallopian tubes was flushed somewhere, and I began to grieve. To mask my grieving I was in a denial. I accepted what I was told. With my endometriosis and fibroid uterus having children was not a likely story...much less a dream, and really more of a fantasy.

Why does all this matter? Today...these memories of yesteryears.

Well, fast forward to today....I have, WE have, four of the seven beautiful children that I DREAMED of.....I am content, but have an aching that doesn't go away. I didn't get all that I wanted, but have come to accept the Lords will to give me what I have.

I delight in my children, I cherish them. I also yell at them, I lose my patience when asking them to complete chores multiple times a day...when they lose their homework, when they tease one another unmercifully, give me a LIST of things they have to have "BEFORE first period....which starts in about 12 minutes".....

They may be LAUGHING, but I am writhing inside. Yes, it is a BLISSFUL dream, and I am living it.


But today....my breasts are tender, the pain of my period is lingering. I should start sometime this weekend. Those feelings I have each month, the ones that trick my mind into thinking that maybe, in a magical world, I would wave my magical wand, and the triplets would be on their way to join our family. I would take just one, this time, if it was His will. I would take two, or four....whatever He would give me. Instead each month I have pain. I have physical limitations because of an iron deficiency that is unfix-able. So I take it easy, I feel the agony of grieving....while keeping my eyes open to the blessings I already have.


Today...it struck me, the tugging pains, the exhaustion I feel...those parts of this will be no longer. The period I always dread...I now grieve I will never have again.

No matter how much I fight it, how many times I say to myself "just don't get into that car tomorrow", "don't go to sleep and they cant take it from you"....

I have come to accept that the Lords will for me is to live with what I have...and in order to do that, to have a peaceful life, to continue in Bliss, content with my blessings, I have to undergo this medical procedure that I have been dreading the thought of for 20 years.

Oh how I wish this could just be another quick fix. But alas we would be right back here in a year or two. My family in agony. Me impatient in pain. A selfish grieving of something I CANT have when my eyes wide open tell me I already have all the little blessings that I was meant to.

Maybe my dream was just that....and my REALITY is better than I could have ever dreamed.

It comes to trusting in the Lord. For me right now that is all I have. Trusting the Lord, and trusting Brian's pleading that I please do this...so that together we can continue to build upon other dreams that we have...TOGETHER.

The gift in all of this is that physically I can be pain free. This gift will keep on giving to me and to my family, as I have the potential to be more patient, less weary, and have energy in abundance to do the things I desire to do. I can continue to be the Mother I dream of being everyday.

dEar mE nExt wEEk...please accept the things that are about to happen so that the greater part can be yours. while allowing yourself to feel all that is to be felt, do not lose sight of eternal perspective. keep your eyes open to what is right in front of you and let go of the things that are not to be yours in this lifetime...with faith, with peace....and with the love of a family that is surrounding you, even angels, promised to attend in your weakest hour. this is my prayer. may i be strong enough to wake up to the potential of what is to come.
i don't have all the power in the world to control it
...only the power to accept...

Pondering is a form of Prayer

Sundays honestly have to be my favorite day of the week!
One of the highlights is always the movies we watch. Some funny, some uplifting, some sad....but always an amazing adventure of the heart, and always leaves me with a bit of wisdom, remembrance of wisdom that I had buried or something new, whatever it is, the moments matter because they have potential to make me better.

Yesterday we watched Coach Carter.

This has been on our list for a LONG time.

A tidbit of wisdom that uplifted me and caused me to begin to ponder, which pondering turns to prayer, which prayer has potential to change me, which change brings me closer to God, and more accepting of myself:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light,
not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened
about shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.
It's not just in some of us;
it is in everyone.

And as we let our own lights shine,
we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

April Showers???

Spring is SPRINGING!

or is it???