Our 15th year....

Happy Anniversary to Brian and me! What an exciting celebration we have had; making it 15 years. Not many would understand what it means to me.

Thank you to my Brian, for the absolutely wonderful time we always have together on our anniversary.

Yesterday was no different. Always a grand day that we have together. Some of the things that we have enjoyed on our anniversaries, including this year...Boston, dinners, the Anniversary Inn - thanks to our children for that one (probably most memorable of our dates!), horseback riding, helicopter rides, snowboarding, antique shopping, bookstores, looking at art, symphonies, taking walks, massages, movies, picnics, long rides, talks, and loving. I often can't imagine ever being more blessed by one amazing person and many amazing memories. i love you brian.

a song for you:

Better Together- Jack Johnson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u57d4_b_YgI&NR=1

Jeremy's Test Results

Test results negetive for Cystic Fibrosis, negetive for an enlarged heart, negetive for all the horrible things that the physicians have been looking for.

The only positive thing is the relief that we are feeling right now. Jeremy is still ours, and will be for...well, forever. We are just needing to be patient with what we are facing. But it is not the worst.

Magic Shows and 33rd Ward Idol

We have so much fun sometimes. My school does Family Nites, which my kids have loved for the past 2 years...This time it was a Magic show, which was absolutely fabulous. Clarissa (with a tiny prompt from me) raised her hand and was chosen to participate. The magician changed a piece of paper into a 50 dollar bill, and it was hers. It was absolutely fun to see her delight, and a real 50$. I guess we will be going to the bank! She is so excited.

Next, Jeremy decided to enter 33rd ward Idol. He has been very serious about this. He is doing a piano solo, then a duet, with me and my guitar. Wish us luck!

forgetting things

With all that has been happening with Jeremy I seem to be forgetting so many things. And not one bit of it is bothering me. What happened to my obsessive compulsive everything. We have an appointment up at Primary Children's Hospital today for Cystic Fibrosis testing for my baby Jeremy Bear. Prayer is the only avenue for peace now. Not cleaning, not perfection, not one thing can offer what we need right now. Just faith and prayers.

A Scare with Jeremy

(excerpts from communication while we are trying to figure out what is going on with Jeremy)

"Gosh, how does Jeremy feel? I think he is confused about what is happening, but mainly he knows he doesn't feel well. He just can feel that he catches his breath. Yet he can run and play sometimes, and other times he is just not able to. He tells me a lot that he can't breath, it's hard, and it makes me sad.

When we learned about the Iron yesterday Brian started giving him a tablespoon of natural molasses. Jeremy says its yucky but he wants to get better and he believes it will help. The heartwrenching reality is he knows how he feels and how bad it is. I have tried to protect him from the frightening diagnosis that we are waiting on. I really have protected him and been very positive, so the following took me by surprise. This morning after having the Molasses he was walking with Sam to their room and said to Sam, "Know why I have to have that stuff? Because if I don't fix my Iron I have to go to heaven." I was shocked.

Brian started to tear up and left the room. Jeremy came to me right after that and said, "Mom, if I go to heaven can I have a birthday every day?" I just knelt down and took both his hands and looked at his face. He had such a look of courage I can not even describe. Like he was trying to be so brave asking me. I answered "Yes, Jeremy, you can have a birthday every day in heaven, and Grandpa would be there with you, You and Grandpa would be best pals and do so many wonderful things together. You would be our angels and watch over us."

Then he said, "Can I have a star just like Grandpa?" I said, "Yes, the biggest one....but Jeremy you are going to pick a star for me long before you get to heaven." I told him that he had so many things to still do. Learn to play the piano (I started him in lessons today, no time to waste), go on a mission, marry your best friend, be a daddy, play sports, go to work, go to college....you know. I was pleading with him to know that he was going to be okay. I told him, "Jeremy, Daddy and I are going to do everything possible to help you feel better, and it is going to work, and you are going to grow up and be strong, and have all the fun in the world before you ever go to heaven." And then he said, "If I do go to heaven can I paint the sunsets with Grandpa." I nearly lost my pretend happy composure at that moment. I just said, "You can paint sunsets, Jeremy, and rainbows, and butterflys, and beetles. You will have so many important things to do and heaven will be wonderful. But Jeremy you have many things to do here first."

I reminded him that Bishop blessed him and that we would help him and he will get better. The look on his face said it all. He heard what I said but he bravely holds on to his wonder, "what will heaven be like for me".

...why is he even thinking such things. I am so scared. I feel so destroyed, my heart is aching and breaking at the same time. He shouldn't be thinking these things. I am protecting him, or so I think, from the worry and concern. But he knows how he feels, and he is frightening me. After I talked to him I went into the kitchen and Brian was in tears. I have seen him cry only a few times, when his dad died, and today. He is mine, my Jeremy. I feel so stubborn. I don't want to let him go. Last night he woke up and was clammy everywhere. He was having a night terror and wasn't really awake, shaking and really upset. I put him in a warm tub and bathed him, he gently woke up. Then I held him in the bathroom on the floor for hours, with tears streaming down my face, while he slept in my arms. I can't stand worrying. I just want to know so that we can fix it. He seems like he is just fine most of the time, but if you watch closely he doesn't breath very well. If he has an enlarged heart, and has had it since he was at least 2 years old, it is a very scary diagnosis. I don't know how to do this. Everything about him has always been different, from the beginning. But everything about him is "Just Jeremy". That's what I always say, he is Just my Jeremy, different but perfect in every way.

About a month ago I had a strong feeling that something was going to happen to him, I thought maybe he was going to die....dreams about him getting hit by a car, or something. I told Colleen to watch him carefully, I called his teacher at school and pleaded that she be really aware of Jeremy because I had such bad feelings. I made the doctor appointment a month ago because I noticed his breathing was getting worse, he was more agitated by it. I just thought it was asthma. None of this is what I planned. How selfish is that, thinking that I can plan everything? I realize that I am in the middle of some refinement for me and my family, but this just really sucks and That is the bottom line, it sucks.

Naty Baby

Beautiful Barn

This reminded me of a barn we saw on our trip to Oregon with the kids. I wanted Brian to go back so I could get a picture, to be able to paint or draw it. He didn't turn around that day, but here it is. Even better, and I don't have to dig through old photos to find it. Blessings come mysteriously.

aMAZing!

Amy Walker does 21 accents in two minutes which is certainly amazing, yet, WHY I ask, WHY and how would you be able to remember your native verse after mesmerizing audiences with your talent...talk about a split personality.

She says that she tends to slip into character even in her thoughts. That would be scary for me.

Anyhow, if you want an interesting read...or to see/hear her do it [yes both senses are necessary], use the link above. Most interesting is the interview which can be accessed by this NPR link.


She is upcoming, a rising You-Tube star...check her out, it is aMAZing to watch her dialect change, tone, attitude, facial refraction, etc...!

Vacations and Holidays- New Years 2008

Just some fun in the snow and sun.

Henry's Fork of the Snake River - Island Park, ID

Thank you Brent and Eve, for the fabulous time!!!

Dear Grandma,

You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are gray...
I know you won't read this, and I am writing it to myself. I miss you. I already do. I miss being your dancing girl. I miss the smell of bread baking in the oven. I miss your laugh, your smile; the look in your eyes that tells me even if I did the very worst thing in the world that I am okay. I bought a card today for you, it says; Lifes hard unless you have a Grandma. I will give it to you someday.

My life has been hard, Grandma. But because of you I am happy inside out. You have listened to the worst, the best, the crazy things that make up me. You have forgiven me for spilling nail polish on your counter tops, for telling white lies, for anything I could have ever done to disappoint you. You are an intricate part of all my seasons.

In January I think of your birthday, the day this world was blessed with an angel. I think of the lovely stories of your youth, the things that bring smiles and sometimes tears. Thinking of you and your dear brother, Uncle Bill, living through the depression, all the new things of the world plaguing your youth. How frightening those times must have been. I think of your dear mother, whom I love beyond all understanding. The comfort she gave to me, I know that she loves you; that she wants to bring you home. I think of birthday cakes with money in them, and bringing you white donuts, the white donut cake Gavin and I tried to hide money in. You played along, and we had a grand time. Always a grand time with Grandma. Grandma you are an angel.

In February, the time for valentines. I love to remember how Grandpa spoils you with valentines. I couldn't wait to come after the holiday, to see what he would surprise you with this year. Pink hearts all over, telling you of your beauty, your charm, you’re knitting his heart, his love of you, and knowing that you love him. You are looking at my sweetheart; a month to celebrate love, his creativity, your kindnesses all year, him giving you one day, you giving him them all, celebrated in a month of love. Grandma you are love.

March; Grandpas birthday. You make it special, always. He is lucky to have your home baked bread in round tin cans, it always tastes better when you make it, he misses that. All the goodies you have bottled and canned. The love you cook into every meal, keeping him and his together. The treat drawer, something of magic in the world of Grandpa and every little child greeted in your home. You are always keeping everything so wonderful. So capable of making things beautiful. So able to fix, and be thrifty with everything. I have learned all this from your example. Grandma you are beautiful.

April; Easter. My favorite memory, of doing the Easter baskets with you, giving to the widows, running from porch to porch. The detail you put into every basket and message, but more the love that you show as you do what the Savior would do; to remember and serve the widows, the lonely, those who need more than most. On such a special day, remembering the resurrection, the hope that all will be well, the Atonement; which makes us whole. Hundreds of those little baskets, and hours of your time, and never anything but a smile, a peaceful love that I have felt as we followed in your footsteps to give to others. Grandma you are giving.

In May, the flowers, the seasons changing, time to plant, to open Fish Lake, shopping at thrift stores, finding just the right little things. I love the walks to see the horses, you telling my children all the things I remember you telling me. Looking at the blossoms, thinking of the fruit that we pray to be blessed with during the harvest; these memories I am now harvesting.
Playing in the breezeway with the marbles and the marble toy, oh, to have that back for just one more moment. Telling you of the cute things that the children are doing, and having you tip your head and laugh. Listening to you and Grandpa sing, why can’t I remember all of the songs. Xoxoxo, kiss you once, kiss you twice, and kiss you once again, it’s been a long, long time. Listening to Grandpa play the trumpet, and hearing about you playing in the band with him. Talk of your dates, marriage, early struggles, trials, challenges, supporting one another and reaching for the long term, basking in all the efforts you and Grandpa have made, your eternal marriage, and hoping for that same blessing for Brian and myself. Talking about the temple, your primary class, the training school kids [adults:0)] and loving them with the Savior's love. I learned love from you. Will you ever know how much you mean to me? Grandma is memories.

June and trips to Fish Lake. Thank you for taking me with you. For the late night talks and games. For staying up with me to hold my babies, rocking them for me so I could sleep. Walks to the water hole, and church at the lodge. I can close my eyes and smell the sweet scent of the aspen trees, and hear the leaves blowing in the wind. I can see you lovingly preparing a meal for us to enjoy. Love in all the service you have given makes each morsel so much sweeter, more nourishing. It's no wonder that Fish Lake is my Heaven on Earth. I know how much you want to return there, and whenever I go I will look for you to be there. Grandma you are Heaven.

July and Steele Days, I will never forget. Throwing the candy to the little ones. Making sure everyone of us had the treat that we most desired. Your thoughtfulness and insight to all of your children, your grandchildren, your great-grandchildren. Honoring you and seeing the delight as you rode in Brian's truck in the parade. Hearing you tell me that it was like being royalty, because you are Grandma. You are a queen. When I was asked to throw the candy for you these past couple of years I felt as though something inside of me was breaking. I wanted you to be there, and then I felt you within me. I am you, you are a part of all that makes me who I am. May I honor you. Grandma you are priceless.
August is hard, for as my birthdays come and go I will miss your greetings. xoxoxo and your signature, hearing you sing happy birthday to me, with Grandpa. Knowing that you indeed celebrate my life, makes me more precious. I will miss that. Grandma, you are a happy day.

September. I will never forget. The way you held me when Brian lost his father. You were there to remember with me the wonderful man that he was. I remember thinking that you, Grandpa, and he were the same age; that I was thankful to still have you. Now...well, you know, I feel so lost. But I do believe that you will be in my dreams, counseling me, cheering me on, holding me again. Say hi to Dad, he will be one of those greeting you, happy to see you. I will want to do better, to improve my life. To make you proud, always. Grandma, you are my angel.
October, this month, as I drove to school today, watching the leaves dancing on the street, they reminded me of you, your dancing, your grace. And now it is His grace we pray for, to allow you to enter back into his presence.
Now, to hear my little Jeremy pray for you Grandma, please take her back to be with you. Don't let her hurt anymore, Let her be with her mommy and daddy, her brothers and sisters if she has any up there. Bless Grandpa to be happy, not sad, to have comfort, from the Holy Ghost. Only seven, he has more faith than I, he has so much love, to want to see you rest and without aches of age. And faith that all will be well, for Grandpa. Gratitude that the spirit can comfort us. We will be well, Grandma. Into the winter we go, and knowing that it is okay for you to let go. For spring will come again. And we will see you again.
I think of the Halloween party's, the games you planned. The baby jars of candy, fun for all ages. Knowing that I mattered because there was always a jar of my favorite, and somehow I always won that jar. I know now that it was not chance or luck, but love. I loved playing the donut on the string with you. You have such a competitive nature, no wonder where we all get it. To hear you laugh, once again. I will dream of it. Grandma you are fun.

November. What is to come of November? Veterans Day, all the times that we celebrated, with gratitude that Grandpa was home, with stories of the war, of the depression, with thankfulness that we are present, not past, and together. Hearing the clock in your breeze way, and you and Grandpa singing: Off we go into the wild blue yonder, Climbing high into the sun;...
Your little pies, the smell of thanksgiving in your home. Each of us expressing what we are most thankful for. The tenderness in your preparations, your absolute willingness to give a dose of love to every one of us, we are so many, and we all feel we are your favorite. Grandma, you are my favorite.
December; will be hard.
To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
ecclesiastes 3:1-8

December; I will miss you, Mrs. Clause. I will miss your sweet attention to me, to everyone who is lucky to be called yours. I couldn't wait to hear your bells as we sang Here Comes Mrs. Clause. You with your darling little elf. It didn't matter what you gave us, but in the end your gift was always my favorite. Grandma you are hope, you are faith, you are patience, long suffering, you are mine.
A couple of weeks ago I came into the room, you said to me, "there you are my dancing girl. help me up. let's dance." As I held you in my arms, being your strength now, after so many years of your strength holding me up, I realized this was our last dance. Thank you for that. Thank you for loving me, and for seeing me for who I would become, and will become. Thank you for having faith in me, faith in Him, and for showing me there is a better way. A way of patience, of peace, of enduring all that we are given. You have endured, now rest, Grandma. We will remember, we will be thrifty, we will remember the widows, we will watch over Grandpa here, as you will from Heaven.
Grandma you are patience, peace.

You are my angel,
you are love,
you are beautiful.
You are giving,
you are memories,
you are heaven,
you are priceless.
You are a happy day,
you are fun,
you are my favorite, my friend.
You are my Sunshine!
You are patience, you are peace, you are my angel.

Grandma, I love you. Yes, so many times; good times, hard times, have passed in my life. Because of you loving me I know this truth, Life's hard, Unless you have a Grandma - and I have the best!, I have you.

My dancing Grandma. Thank you for loving me, for teaching me to bake bread, dry and bottle fruit, Thank you for the lessons in sewing, manners, stitching, care-giving, service, dancing and life. Life lessons - I have learned so much by your side.

You pray, you laugh, you love and let me be who I am. I love you for so many reasons. Memories - the marble toy, Fish Lake, The Family Tree Restaurant, thrift store shopping, sweet taffy, your love of dolls, your love of heritage, teaching me to love and cherish ours.

You say it like it is, the truth is not optional. You kissing me three times (my favorite number) kiss you once, kiss you twice, kiss you once again...

I will always cherish going to the rest homes with you, singing and dancing. I never felt anything but just thankful for being there with you and Grandpa. To see the love between you both, and the honest desire to love and serve these people, who needed Sunshine, in their rainy season. You are my Sunshine, you are their Sunshine; Grandma, you are Sunshine.

You fix everything. A bandaid for this, a bit of hard work for that - my hear aches, healed at your side, reminding me of our Brother's love. Turning me to the Lord, always His will. You are my amazing, my amazing example of love, of light. Grandma, if there is anything I could tell you, it would be you are beautiful; inside and out. You have given me, and others millions of memories.

A heritage; heart; and heaven awaits. We will keep you in our memories. What you forget now, we will keep. you, my beautiful Grandma, rest; we love you and keep you. xoxoxoxoxo
We love you, xoxoxo

Clarissa's 11th Birthday Friend Party

Dancing the night away!
Eleven Friends!
Eleven AM, waiting!!!
Going to the U Gymnastics!
Happy Eleventh!
Eleventh Hour!